18 – THE OVERNIGHT ADULT

Having been the proud owner of an 18 year old son for a few months now, I have observed that a MASSIVELY extreme learning curve is required all round to readjust to the new world order. Things are very different from when they were 17 because they seem to think that all of a sudden they have become fully fledged adults. Which of course they have, in the eyes of the world. But not necessarily in the eyes of the parents – that can’t happen overnight, when nothing much has changed – when they still burp and fart at the table and they are still at school, possibly doing a few A levels and still live at home.

But of course, we as parents have to try and see them as adults who can vote even if we are secretly concerned that they don’t know which party is running the country (although to be fair who does?) and who is Prime Minister. Initially and unsurprisingly we see a whoosh of activity – mostly bad as they get over-excited and throw away their fake ID and rush off to the shops to buy alcohol, cigarettes and possibly porn. They might even take up a bit of gambling or consider renting a riverside apartment and they will no doubt bang on about knowing their rights. They probably, on the other hand won’t rush off to give blood, take out insurance or open a bank account and start saving for their pension.

They are now considered old enough to “make their own decisions”. Does this include going out during the school week, drinking far too much, partying too hard and then falling over, possibly getting arrested and then having to get up for school? What I hadn’t thought about was how many bloody friends they have that all have to have an 18th birthday party that gets out of hand. They seem to think because they are now adults that going out has nothing to do with us. That even though they still live under the same roof, they are free agents. It is proving interesting trying work out strategies – you want them to enjoy their new found freedom to a degree, but you also want them to bloody be respectful and behave themselves AND DO WHAT THEY’RE F*CKING TOLD AND GET SOME WORK DONE. I know the old adage about “well when you live under my roof you abide by my rules, bla bla, but with kids today it’s pretty difficult to administer those rules at all times. There has to be a huge amount more compromise than I’ve been used to in order for the whole family/group dynamic thing to still work.

You see, the problem is that we still see them as our children and probably always will – even if we try very hard to give them more independence. Tomorrow for example my 18 year old son has to have an operation to re-break his nose. I’ve cancelled all my classes. Will take him early to the hospital and sit with him all day. Drive him home, look after him – worry about him. Apparently it’s a painful operation and they pack his nose with cocaine afterwards. COCAINE? Is that right? WHAT A WASTE!! I wonder if I can pull it out when he’s asleep.

Yes, they’re young adults, but they still need a lot of guidance and if we’re lucky and they respect us enough – maybe they will even ask us for advice….of course they want to do the really fun bits like get pissed and fall over but they don’t want to start paying their way and doing the laundry and putting up shelves for me. We want to protect them, let them out into the big wide world gently even if we do understand the importance of the development of the prefrontal cortex in relation to risk-taking and management and experimentation.

So whilst being constantly accused of being overly protective – imagine the shock then of suddenly finding ourselves facing an entirely different problem when they hit 18. The Overnight Adult. It’s like going back to being a toddler again and giving them a car. My friend was phoned by the police at 1.30am the other morning. Was told that they had her son in a cell. That he had been involved in an “affray”. “What exactly does that mean?” she asked. “Is he OK? Can I see him? What happened?”. But the policewoman on the other end of the phone couldn’t tell her anything. Because he was an “adult” and no longer under her jurisdiction. How scary is that for a parent? She had to wait desperately all night for him to call or arrive home in order to get the details. That is not right I don’t think and surely must say something about the lack of support for kids out there…..surely if there is a willing parent to save the day why not use us?

What is the answer? This doesn’t happen in America. They have three more years to get their act together before allowed to buy and drink alcohol in public – is that better? Could we not give them the adult title when they start earning their own money? Or when they move out? Or maybe that would be unfair on those kids that still live at home age 35.