As I have said on many occasions, my heart often aches for my children and for what they have to go through in order to manage the minefield of divorce and our particularly unusual situation. It is not easy for them and I quite often wonder how all our children are going to cope in the long term with the fallout that surrounds them. For example, last night, Builder Bloke cooked for all 8 of us and we ate a relatively early Sunday night meal before he drove his children back to my ex husband’s house. At one point I had to tell my youngest son off for being rude to his sister for no apparent reason. I asked him to apologise but he refused. Without boring you with the details it culminated in him wanting to phone his father whilst in a hysterical state. That is never good for either parent obviously – one feels they’ve fucked up, whilst the one on the end of the phone line just feels helpless and frustrated. I should have got him to calm down first because of course his father took a view that was entirely different to mine and because he wasn’t here to witness the whole event it was very frustrating all round.
Presumably even for families that all live together in the same house the arguments can be just as bad and just as divisive, but at least the parents can agree to stand back to back in order to survive being taken over by the children, when required. Children are clever. They know what to say to the opposite parent to get a reaction.
ANYWAY, I was therefore hugely buoyed by my 15 year old daughter’s essay entitled “A Life In A Day”. It gives me hope that perhaps, after all, they will all be fine because they accept our unusual situation with a lot more grace and dignity than some of the adults involved in the situation. She seems to be growing up with a sense of maturity beyond her years and consequently, an understanding that adult life isn’t easy, that we are flawed…..she wrote an amazing essay, which I posted, but she’s asked me to remove because it’s course work so can’t be copied….
I’ve left the comments though. Few interesting responses.
kelloggsville
May 9, 2011Wow – that was really wonderful. x If it helps to know, my daughter goes into those meltdowns about seemingly insignificants,gets her father involved etc and he gets another end of the stick and the usual mess/guilt ensues. I guess it’s a scene being played out in many houses.
Expat Mum
May 9, 2011Aw, that is lovely. She sounds like a sweet girl, and you’re right, she has a very mature head on those shoulders. It’s also good to hear that she talks to her dad for hours. Not all girls (even those in “normal” situations) do that.
Anna
May 9, 2011Her style is easy and unhurried, flows well. It paints a picture of a well-adjusted kid, who is mature enough to understand the problems that her parents are having, yet feels safe in her world.
Would love to chat about art with her.
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011OOH, yes, you should – she’d love that given you’re extraordinary knowledge Lx
saz
May 10, 2011no worries there lu…not for the time being anyway…..seemingly accepting and non judgemental…you did good girl!!
luv sara x
Eclipse
May 10, 2011That’s really good, but quite sad in a way…
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011I know, it is sad……Lx
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011Ps is that because it brought back memories for you, I wonder? Lx
Eclipse
May 11, 2011Yeah, I guess so. It sounds eerily familiar to times gone by…
Mud
May 10, 2011She writes well. And obviously loves and is loved by both parents. That’s the most important thing. Despite also growing up with divorced parents I never experienced the ‘shared parenting’ angle as my father was largely abroad. Establishing a relationship as a child based on airmail letters isn’t so easy!
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011I can imagine that – and yes very good that she feels close to both of us Lx
goodmum
May 10, 2011It seems to me that if you keep going on about how ‘odd’ your situation is, you are just making it all the more ‘odd’ for all the children. What is a normal family these days anyway? If your children are loved by both families they are extremely lucky. It shouldn’t matter who the parents are. This is their norm, their lives, and it is you making it an issue by keep writing about it, surely? You’d been divorced for years, and so had BB. If your children can see that both couples are now happy then isn’t it about time you did? It seems maybe, you are the one that is unhappy about it. If so, it may be you creating the ‘minefields’ you talk of for your children, by feeling as you do and writing about it in your blog. Children just want their parents to be happy. Does any child want to read their mother talking about their father, or his situation, in the way you write? Can you not see what an impossible position you are creating for your children, especially for your daughter, being so close to you and so close to your pain, by writing as you do? It seems that both couples are in the same situation, but unfortunately, only one couple has moved on. Time for you to move on, and allow your children to see that you are happy about it. Let it go, and just be a good parent, not a parent at war over your Ex-husband’s new life and wife, whoever she is. (Still not quite sure what she has done so wrong, as you are both in exactly the same situation).We all have complicated lives, and things that turn our lives upside down, but we should surely as mothers deal with those complications as quietly and discretely as possible, in a way that protects our children. Not write about it possibly in a blog?
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011Hmmm. Wonder who you are then? Never had such a strong, pretty harsh comment in my entire three years of blogging. Lx
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011Ps. I do think my situation is extremely “odd” and I do think it is a minefield for the children. I didn’t expect to find myself divorced and I certainly didn’t expect to find myself in a strange little wife swap. I haven’t been divorced for years. I’ve been divorced for four years. Not very long in the great scheme of things and in that time an awful lot of stuff that was unexpected has happened – they say it takes at least half as long as you’ve been married to get over it so I”ve got another three and a half years before I have to stop moaning. I don’t have a problem with my children reading about their father in the way that I write. I don’t have a problem with honesty and openness and anything that I write I stand by. Don’t really understand the strong opinion when I have no idea who you are – not very typical of blogland I have to say – but thanks for you view anyway. I will think about it. Lx
English Mum
May 10, 2011BUSTED! ‘Unfortunately only one couple has moved on’ and ‘still not quite sure what she has done wrong’.
I wonder who she can possibly be?
And yes, of course your situation is odd, and as we said before, you work through it on here, and your children see you being fair and sensible. I’d say that was brilliant for them. And worrying about being a good parent in the face of all these problems just shows you’re human. I’m sure you voice these opinions to them – nothing on here is a ‘shock’, surely? Why on earth would that be tough for them? I think it shows that you’re a really good person.
PS: She should have toned it down on her first visit x
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011Yes, think maybe busted…..little too harsh for first step through the door Lx
Anna
May 10, 2011Totally busted.
LoopyLu
May 10, 2011Goodmum (ha, ha, ha!). I think you ought to wind your neck in! What L’s children will learn from her blog is that she is a very humane, intelligent mum, with whom they’re very lucky to have as a mother.
In my opinion, it’s much better to be open and honest with what, as a parent and a person, you’re going through. Builds much better relationships and enables them to be as open and honest.
Family Affairs
May 10, 2011Thanks hun – I agree with that – I don’t mind them seeing my faults – means they won’t get a shock as they get older like I did!! Lx
karen
May 11, 2011Wow! I have been away from blogs for about 3 weeks, and what a lot to catch up on here.. I am always amazed at kids’ resilience in these matters, and I’m sure I’ve probably said this before on your blog. I’m convinced that as long as they know they are loved by all parents concerned, and secure in their family relationships, however odd they may be, it makes a world of difference. Openeness and honesty are great, they need to know you we parents are also human.. keep hanging in there!
Family Affairs
May 11, 2011Good to hear from you Karen – you always say what a lot to catch up on when you pop over – worryingly!! Lx
Jaz
May 11, 2011I find your blog unbelievable in so many ways, your life is unbelievably complicated but always so very unbelievably interesting, so much so that I sometimes find it hard to believe that your life is real! but it is written so compellingly that I really do believe every word! As I have said before I came to your blog as The Daily Telegraphy described it as cheaper than therapy, so I thought it was worth a try! I didn’t get a chance to go to therapy, but your blog is wonderful – I love it, please don’t stop! I am sorry I have no idea how you can continue, is there such a thing as a blog ‘by invitation only’? All the very best of luck x
Family Affairs
May 12, 2011THERE YOU ARE – I always wondered about you and how you were getting on – how ARE you getting on? Thanks very much for you comment – I don’t have a problem with continuing to be honest – I write like I speak and I’d say any of the stuff I write to anybody’s face, so although my father told me never to write anything down when you’re angry and it’s probably very good advice that I have totally ignored, I will keep calm and carry on……(sort of panicking on the way) Lx
H
May 12, 2011I have just spent the last hour reading your blog and feel as I have been forced into a reply. Thank you ‘Goodmum’ for putting in a different slant, I know you meant well, however foolish, but really you should have just kept quiet as you seemed to have fuelled a situation which is pointless, and which I seem to be getting the credit for. Regrettably, I am not ‘Goodmum’ but it is someone I know, and who has been a friend of mine and BB’s for many years, and whom I have asked to never comment or lower herself, and by doing so me, in this way again.
This is the second time I have had to read your blog, and will be the last.
Please be assured, I have never felt the need to comment in your blog, as it is just that, your blog, or would never feel the need to hide behind a pseudo name. I only hope that you will decline from ever writing about any of mine and BB’s children again as I think that is a step too far. It is your blog, not theirs. But, I genuinely wish you well, and I am sorry you still find the situation so difficult to deal with. Hx
Family Affairs
May 12, 2011Thank you H for your comment. I think this clears the air. I appreciate that you have friends that want to defend your side of the story, that is entirely understandable, but I am pleased that it is not you that is “Goodmum”. Of course happy to respect your request to avoid writing about your and BB’s children Lx
Niki
May 13, 2011You are FIERCE! I am all for your raw, honest approach to sorting your way through life. Keep it up, and keep sharing, no doubt everyone benefits from a good chunk of reflection now and then.
xxNiki // nikideerocks
Family Affairs
May 13, 2011Thanks x
Family Affairs
May 14, 2011Thank you – am I really fierce??? That’s scary. Lx