I am having a “what to do” moment. Again. These sort of moments are endless when you are trying to work your way through the minefield of “dealing with your ex”.
About a month ago my ex asked if he could have our youngest child to stay the night – it happened to be very little notice on a school night and he’d just started a new school and he had lots of homework. So I said no, which I hated doing because then my ex rang and talked to our son and told him how unreasonable I’d been and he got upset and it was all a mess. Several friends in a similar situation have subsequently advised that I should make it clear that he can’t go during the school week now my ex has moved significantly further away because he has to get up too early and won’t get all his homework done. But. I think that is harsh. For both my ex and my son. Of course they want to see each other during the week. I think it’s good for their relationship. I don’t really understand why he doesn’t want to have all three of them mind you.
Anyway, he sent me a text on Monday saying that he’d like to have our youngest child to stay on Tuesday or Wednesday evening this week. As he didn’t drop my kids back till 10pm on Sunday I said that maybe Wednesday would be OK once he’d caught up on some sleep. But now he’s asked me to take him on the train to meet him at a different station and then get myself back home to the other kids. Given that when he moved he promised that nothing would change regarding pick ups and drop offs, I think he is now being unreasonable. Asking too much. I told him that last night and said I wasn’t prepared to do it. I did make some other suggestions – I said I’d bring him to our local station or he could pick him up later from youth club. He said no, he was going to wait at that station only and if I didn’t deliver our son there then I would upset our son. “Your choice” he kept saying. Then we both got cross. I hung up.
Then his text said;
Thanks for putting the phone down on me again. If you drop him at station it means we’ll have more than another hour together. You said you’re going to be busy doing something else, but then said you can drop him at your local station. What I’m asking is not unreasonable and it’s not difficult for you. What are you going to be doing that makes it impossible? Or is this about you and your continued deliberate efforts to make life as difficult as possible for me with the children? Your choice”.
I texted: “why don’t you drive to work and pick him up afterwards? Your choice”.
But he said he can’t. Not sure why. He very commonly does do that when he’s picking up the kids. Now I’m in a horrible situation again – being pushed to do more when I don’t think it’s reasonable and then told that it will only upset our son and it will be all my fault. To be honest, this isn’t about what is best for our child – he would like to see him, but not if it’s stressful and late – he loves youth club and frankly needs his sleep, so perhaps I’m better just saying that if it’s all too hard to pick him up lets leave it for another night. But then, it’s my son that misses out. Or will he not mind too much because they like boundaries. Or is it me thats being unreasonable and I should just take him.
So. What to do. Any ideas?
Shiny
October 6, 2010Oh, it all just seems so complicated. Sorry, that’s not helpful, is it? Sending love and sun from Africa because my experience with such things is null and I’d probably just be weak and give in, which, I’m certain, is not what you should do. So… um… love and sun and strength it is… x
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Thank you shiny person – thats enough….African sunshine. Just what I need Lx
Leanne
October 6, 2010Shiny might be on to something. It is all so complicated, perhaps, this once, you might just “give in” to the ex and see what happens.
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010I’ve already given in by saying he can have him for the night. Don’t think he should push it quite so far in my opinion. Lx
saz
October 6, 2010fuck me… l get so cross about these men…and their fucking choices….
HE was unfaithful, HE left home, HE moved away…if HE wants to see his kids, HE should make arrangements to collect them.. HE is being unreasonable..the very fact that he is stating he IS being reasonable shows that he is defensive and knows he is pushing you trying to manipulate you and then runnng and telling the kids. GUILTY…
you have two other children to look after and a life to juggle this wasnt your choice…its all HIS choices and his doings..and its about time HE moved his FAT arse and started parenting himself…
saz x
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010thanks Saz. Said in a very small voice…..sometimes it helps to be reminded of the facts. Lx
karen
October 6, 2010Ah, no! I was hoping you needed advice about fashion, in which case I could just say ‘hello, and I don’t do fashion’! What a difficult situation you are in, and I can only say that it does seem to get better, the older the kids get. It is so hard to know what the right thing is. As usual I could go on for ages about my own experiences as a stepmom but each situation is really different isn’t it. I will settle for sending you another dose of African sunshine and some good luck wishes like Shiny, before me!!
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Yippee more african sunshine helping hugely x
kelloggsville
October 6, 2010I would try again to say that “the added hassle of the journey makes the evening more tiring for son. Whilst you know it is important to help support their time together, you also see that son needs to have a relatively straight forward routine midweek or his school work and emotional well being suffers even more. The rush of trying to sort this Wednesday out is too difficult but you will be prepared to plan a head a little more for next week and see if you can make something work. Is there another day that he could drive and collect son? ”
It is only a suggestion, you know them all best. my feeling is if your gut reaction is son needs sleep and stability now and dad later then that is probably right.
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010I did say lets do it then on a night you can pick him up. Too much stress for son. But all he said was “see you there at 6!”. Bit scary as I’m not going to be there.
Karin
October 6, 2010If I followed correctly, he’s asking you to make a roundtrip on the train (when you have no other business on the train) to drop off your son – to ride the train with him. He’s already on the train, why shouldn’t he ride out to your station to meet your son? How much time does this all entail?
I think it’s a good idea to look for reasonable compromise with him, but I don’t see how your going out of your way to accommodate his regular routine is that. He ought to be able to compromise, too. Plus, if you do this once, it will automatically become the new system – are you prepared for that?
Could you agree on a station midway, and you drive your son out there instead? – Mind you, I know nothing about London transport!
Good luck.
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Thats what I thought and he will be on the train anyway so why not get off a few stops later at our local one. Lx
Dulwich divorcee
October 6, 2010I think you should just have a blanket ban on Number 3 seeing his Dad on school nights while he is still young – it’s too much for him and I bet it’s quite stressful for him being on his own with his dad and poss the new wife/other kids. Why doesn’t your ex want all three together? This ban would still make it possible for your ex to have him on Friday nights when getting up the next morning/doing the homework isn’t an issue. I would say you can have a rethink in a couple of years when he’s a bit older and more able to cope with the to-ing and fro-ing. That’s what I would do anyway – easier said than done I know. My ex is still impossible but when he starts kicking off I just remember the therapist saying, ‘don’t let him bully you, he’ll just get worse ….’
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Completely easier said than done…..ex would make that very difficult indeed and not sure I’d get much support all round. Just so hard though as you say it gets more difficult each time you think you’ve reached a compromise – they just push you even further. Lx
challe
October 6, 2010My reaction (as unmarried and with no children) is maybe not valid.
But just a comment how sad and disgusting adults intelligent people
act. It does not inspire me to become married nor have children.
Having parents who are divorced I know the pain.
Anyway, I dont have any advise other than try to brush his disgusting
behaviour off your shoulders.
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010I agree that adults can behave really badly when it comes to fighting for kids – sorry you’ve had a bad experience re your parents, I wish it didn’t have to be like that for my kids. Must all try harder to make it work for them. Lx
LoopyLu
October 6, 2010I’d have told him to bugger off! x
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010Really? Just like that? How does that work? Lx
QldDeb
October 7, 2010My brother had to put a plan in place where he saw his daughter every 2nd weekend, and every Tuesday evening she went straight home to his place and left for school there on Wednesday. It was his responsibility to make sure he was home and she got there on the Wednesday.
Maybe you need to put a designated evening in place.
You also might need to get everything written down and every time he wants to change it just tell him to read the legal document. My brother would not answer any calls unless they were identified (so he didn’t have to talk to the ex) and communicated with her through texts alone. Juvenille, but effective. And it also kept a record for legal reasons.
Family Affairs
October 7, 2010I have tried before to put a designated day in for him but he always says he can’t do that because doesn’t know from week to week what he is doing. But will think about that option thanks Lx