Two out of my three children went back to school today – hooray! (do small wiggly dance in kitchen hoping nobody can see me). I’m exhausted already and it’s only 9.20am. Why am I always so unprepared? It was total chaos this morning and I really must try harder to be more organised, although there are certain elements (mainly the six year old) that always do the unexpected.
7am
Wake up to find six year old in my bed (again). He was immensely excited as it is his first day of packed lunches as opposed to “hot dinners”. I finally relented as I had been worn down by both children providing me with a daily description of how revolting the food was and how many times they’d gagged. Have now got to go and make two interesting, edible and vaguely healthy lunches that they will both eat.
7.05am
“Look at my hair, how cool is that? I look like Elvis Presley – can I leave it like that to go to school? Implores my six year old. In my humble opinion he looks more like a chicken, but I don’t share that information with him – he went to sleep with wet hair and it’s gone mental. “Yes, of course you can keep it like that if you’re sure you like it”.
7.15am
Allow six year old to make his own sandwiches. Also let him make porridge, “I don’t want any help, but can you stir it for a moment, I need a quick poo and then I’ll be back.
7.20am
Kitchen has been devastated. Accident with porridge oats has caused major outbreak of A4 dandruff all over surfaces, hob and floor. Takes 15 minutes to clean it up.
7.45am
Wake up daughter
8.00am
Wake up daughter again
8.15am
Shout at daughter to get up – “god, you don’t have to shout…”
8.25am
Wrestle with daughter over skirt. She’s wearing filthy skirt on her first day back to school – I have had weeks to wash said skirt, but have failed in my duty – no way she can wear it, the teachers will report me. All other skirts suddenly don’t fit – how can she have grown so much in two weeks? Find skirt belonging to someone else – she has to wear that.
8.30am
Can’t find PE kit – six year old phones my mother to ask if she knows where it is “hi foxy grandma”. Why would she know where it was and WHY has he addressed her like that? “that is not an appropriate way to address your grandmother”, I tell him, “where did you hear that?” “From Sponge Bob Square Pants” he says.
8.40am
Leave house with everything we need – walk to school in smug I’m doing my bit for the environment way. “Please can we drive, my legs are sore” comments all the way to school.
8.45am
Find my daughter and her friend talking to a policeman. She sees me and runs ahead. I speak to the policeman “is everything OK? She hasn’t done anything wrong has she?” “No”, he replies, “she and her friend were just asking if I could give them permission not to go to school today”.
8.50am
Six year old now regretting decision to leave house looking like a chicken. Is walking with his school bag on his head and diving into other people’s front gardens every time he sees anyone. “Stop being ridiculous, I thought you liked it and nobody will notice anyway” I say, “well now I hate it and I’m really embarrassed and I can’t believe you let me go to school looking like this, I’m not going” and so on and so on until we are finally at school, but now late.
9.00am
Have to go into his classroom via the loo in order to totally wet his hair and remove any signs of quiff.
9.05am
Leave school through one exit, but notice daughter running in through other entrance wearing no shoes. How did that happen? She was ahead of me. Must remember to threaten to stop allowing her to walk on her own with her friends if she can’t be responsible.
9.10am
Stop to buy a paper. All, except one of the main papers are carrying the horrific story of the lone killer of 32 American students at Virginia Tech on their front page. Only The Independent covers the killing of over 200 people in a market square in Baghdad. 90 people a day are now being killed in Iraq. That is approximately 3000 a month and that is since the ‘surge’. Unbelievable.
9.15am
Back home. Notice daughter has forgotten her lunchbox. Drive back to school.
