Is “blame” as a concept ever a good thing?
I am the first to admit that blame has featured widely in the breakdown of my marriage and subsequent divorce. It is easy to blame somebody else for your position in life and presumably you can only move forward and away from blame once you have found a way to take responsibility for your own life back into your own hands. I still love blaming my parent for f*cking me up. Everything was their fault. Still is. I even have a badge that says “It’s All My Parent’s Fault”. But really is “blame” in itself of any use at all in life? It’s so easy to find somebody other than yourself to blame in life but is it right?
“A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else”.
William Burroughs
and as Arnold Bennet says:
“There can be no doubt that the average man blames much more than he praises. His instinct is to blame. If he is satisfied, he says nothing, if he is not, he most illogically kicks up a row”.
I feel really upset today. I am missing my youngest son hugely now who I haven’t seen for over a week and haven’t really been sleeping for the last few nights as a direct consequence of the frustrations surrounding my teenage son’s future (oh and having to sleep in a double bed with my mother for two nights hasn’t helped either). My head and heart are pounding constantly as a mass of thoughts about what, if anything can be done swirl around my head. It really is very unhelpful that he’s gone away. We sort of need him here to do a teeny little bit of sorting out the rest of his life. I really wasn’t expecting it to be so stressful, but perhaps that was because we all thought he’d get the grades he the university he wanted.
After being two marks away from the required grade we decided to have the maths and biology re-marked. In maths, instead of choosing one of the cores, we went for all four in a panic because of the time restraints. But we heard on Friday that one core went up two marks, another went down two marks. So no difference. AAAAGHHHH. How frustrating.
It now looks highly unlikely that he will get his place. There is a brief glimmer of hope left but not much. I am doing all i can but the deadline is Wednesday and today is a bank holiday. So not much time to do anything.
Of course with life disappointments such as these we have all regretted not having worked harder, not having read the question better, not allowing so many distractions, not playing so much sport, whatever it may be. I have asked myself the inevitable questions about how much of it was my fault? Should I have made him work harder? Made him go to bed earlier? Made him stay in more? Fed him more brain food? Perhaps that would have made all the difference. But I doubt it. I am not a Tiger Mother. It’s his life, not mine. I did as much as I thought I should. I was supportive and present. I’m sure I could have done it differently, but I didn’t. So what is the point of dwelling on that? He is the one kicking himself now and having to make some other decisions about what to do next.
What I am most upset about though was a conversation with his father last night about how he thinks it is my fault that I didn’t help him manage his time better. Aren’t we supposed to stand together at times like these? I pointed out that blame, at this stage was pointless. “We are where we are and we have to deal with it”. But, of course I then got defensive and pointed out that in my opinion he’d had an incredibly difficult year personally for a number of reasons, including not only his father getting remarried and moving further away right in the middle of his A levels, but the death of his Grandfather – had he not considered what effect those extenuating circumstances might have had on our son and his focus? How much more blame-slinging years do we have in us? Isn’t it time to stop??? Work together? Communicate better?
All I know, is that if he had got the grades he’d needed I would have got no credit at all – it would have been entirely down to him – which is absolutely as it should be – and I must try and remember that (once I have stopped panicking about what to do next).
Kelloggville
August 29, 2011Hmmmm blame now isn’t going to help, you voiced it very well. Not getting grades isn’t everything, there are other chances and other routes. It will work out.
Working Mum
August 29, 2011Blame doesn’t help here; there are lots of circumstances that lead to a pupils’ achievements and no one person can be held responsible. However, the biggest responsibility must lie with the pupil themselves: A level students are old enough to take responsibility for their own education, albeit supported by their teachers and parents.
Your son is in a place now where decisions need to be made calmly and rationally and, if it means taking an extra year out, resitting, reapplying or looking for another path, then so be it. One year of your life to get something right for the rest of your life is not so bad, is it? Just support him while he works out what he wants to do.
Family Affairs
August 29, 2011Thank you – WILL DO!! Lx
Expat Mum
August 29, 2011What Working Mum said. It probably won’t turn out as bad as you’re fearing at the moment, but it’s terribly hard to stand by and watch then screw up isn’t it. I agree that he is old enough to make his own decisions, and anyone who thinks you can force teenage boys to do anything – well, doesn’t have a teenage boy.
Family Affairs
August 29, 2011I know. In the great scheme of things it’s really not bad at all and I’m sure, whatever happens will turn out to be the right thing for him. BUT STILL Lx
Eclipse
August 30, 2011I agree with all the above. I didn’t do as well as I should have on my A-levels, mostly because I discovered alcohol and boys. I ended up in Finland because I spent the first 2 years of my degree partying too hard, and then couldn’t get a paid placement. However, now I think things turned out for the best. If I had followed the path that people had set out for me and that I had aspired to, I would probably be a bit richer, maybe married, but knowing what I know of myself now I don’t think I would be happy where I “should have been”. Life leads you to funny and unexpected places sometimes, one just has to accept what has happened and try and make the best decisions that you can in the circumstances.
Family Affairs
August 30, 2011You are so wise for one so young….Lxx
auntiegwen
August 31, 2011It feels very raw at the moment, I remember it well, a few years ago I wrote this on the MMM site just before my daughter got her AS results
http://madmanicmamas.blogspot.com/2009/08/results.html#comments
The bit that sticks out at me is this
“For some kids this is the day that will either give them the ticket and boarding card to their destination and for others it means planning a very different route, that may be longer and less direct or in a completely different direction.
I have told my beloved child that I love her and I am proud of her. She has worked hard and her results will not change how I feel about her. She is kind and funny, patient and resourceful and a fantastic girl who deserves a great big happy shiny future. She may get the ticket and boarding card or we may have to re route the journey or go next year instead.
But she will be always be loved and I will always be proud of her, because I refuse to define her or anyone else’s child by their AS/A2 results.”
I hope this helps even a tiny little bit xxx
Family Affairs
August 31, 2011YES YES, brilliant. Thank you xx