“Can you really have it all?” was the question I was asked to moderate and discuss on a panel at the Britmums conference. Sitting with me was Eleanor Mills of The Sunday Times, Hannah Brewer another mum blogger and Michelle Chance a lawyer with the Association of Professional Working Parents.
My friend says perhaps a more relevant question today would have been “what is having it all”. Not sure there is the elusive all to get and is it directly related to happiness?
We had a very good discussion about whether “Having It All” was at all possible, even though I introduced the conversation by saying that clearly I was there to add comedy value because as a single mother of three I clearly didn’t have it all…
Obviously there is no single answer as to how to juggle all the balls we do as parents – it is very different for every relationship and every parent, but interestingly most of the other panelists believed it was entirely possible to have it all, just not necessarily at the same time.
I asked the provocative question “Should a career be more important than raising children?” or in the words of Angela Neuslatter, who has brought out a book on the subject “are working mothers worse parents?”. She says that “feminism puts women’s rights above our children” and suggests that by choosing ourselves above our children we make our lives more complicated and miserable and that ultimately we overlook our parental responsibility to the children we bring into the world because we are not there physically and emotionally for them.
We discussed the woeful state of childcare in the UK and how it should be more affordable – UK families are spending more than a quarter of their income on childcare on average and there has been a drop in child minder’s because of the declining pay and additional red tape.
Cherie Blair, I suspect has made herself even more unpopular this week by hitting out at the “yummy mummies” who are happy to rely on their husbands to support them whilst devoting themselves to raising the children. She says “mothers who put all their effort into their children instead of working set a poorer example than those who go out and make a living”. Is that true? She is worried that today’s young mothers are turning their backs on feminism and now regard motherhood as an acceptable alternative to a career, but she thinks you should strive for both. “Every woman needs to be self-sufficient”. Well I agree with that, but if you could bottle hindsight, wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing? I talked personally about the fact that I gave up my high flying career to travel abroad with my husband and be a stay at home mum. Once my marriage went wrong, I was in no position to get back out into the work place at the same level. I chose to re-train in something that meant I could still be around to pick my children up from school and I’m pleased that I’m around for them then, but not everyone agrees with that decision.
Eleanor Mills strongly believes that girls should choose a career they can do around the children, working from home to get a satisfactory work/life balance, but when I pointed out that worryingly my daughter was of the opinion that mothers should stay at home to bring up their children because she felt that was the most important role they could play – a member of the audience questioned why I said “worryingly” and suggested that I was setting her up for failure because I was encouraging her to think about her career and make sure she didn’t end up disempowered like me.
I’m really not sure that you can “have it all”. If you successfully manage a full time career as well as bringing up your children that is great. But how do your children feel about it? Or your partner? Surely it can’t suit everyone in the equation? There appears to be a growing trend in the number of highly educated stay at home mothers – “an international phenomenon” notes a recent survey of Harvard Business school graduates.
It’s not right that Cherie Blair should dismiss SAHM in such a way I don’t think. Having won maternity rights and flexible working hours there are more choices available to us and if women want to stay with their children and work part time then isn’t that a choice we should all embrace? If that choice suits that particular family then who are we to criticise?
Each to their own I say and the way forward is for us women to embrace each and every choice. If you “work” you shouldn’t slate the women who don’t “work”. Each choice is “work” in a different guise even if you can’t put a monetary value on one of them. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world and we should all live and let live instead of criticising. Of course many women have no choice but to work and that too can be very difficult for the family as a whole. The one thing that I think is important here is that we work together as a team (penalty shoot outs excluded). Those women at the top should be pulling others up with them who want to be there and forcing changes in the work place to suit everybody’s differing needs.
It will be very interesting to watch the next generation of young adults make their choices. Will they decide, having spent much time in nurseries and with child minders and au pairs to do the opposite of the full time working mother and take a more shared, flexible approach? There are many professional women that regret that they didn’t spend more time with their children when they were young and children who resent their mother’s work ethic – as well as many SAHM’s who are bored and unsatisfied. Everybody needs to find their own way. My theory is that each generation tries to correct the errors of their parents in a Philip Larkin sort of way – so watch this space.
Would love to know what you think?
English Mum
June 26, 2012Really interesting, Lu. I was discussing Cherie Blair recently and feel that most women don’t ‘take sides’ like this, as they’ve probably been both a working parent and a stay at home mum in their time, I know I have.
As you say, the most important question is what is ‘all’ exactly? If ‘all’ is a happy home life, relatively stable, contented kids and a moderately rewarding career (or home life, if you’re at home), then yes, I think it should be possible (says she just back from the school run and looking forward to four trips into town today for school pick up, meeting, kickboxing and collecting…). *Le sigh*
Anna-Marie
June 26, 2012a provocative topic that seems to be generating alot of talk
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/
thanks for raising it
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012Oh thanks that is an interesting article Lx
Laura
June 26, 2012After 8 years I am finally finding my work/life/children balance. I work 30 hours a week, the majority of which I work from home. I usually do one day in the office where I relish adult conversations.
Because I work split shifts I work early mornings and evenings leaving me free to do as I please during the day when the children are at school. In the school holidays I am around more.
My husband also works from home. Between us we manage after school clubs, parties, tea and it works. It is stressful at times though.
During the last 8 years, since having children I’ve done it every which way; Nurseries, childminders, nannies, part time, full time and stay at home mum. Nothing was ever perfect and every which way had pros and cons.
Right now our life works, we have it all, and my children are happy and contented .. but then they always have been.
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012Aaah. good for you – guess it helps to have your lovely husband at home with you Lx
janelle
June 26, 2012i don’t think there is a ‘right’ way. life has a tendency to throw curved balls at you. or should i say death? i think one should strive to fulfill your passions. whatever it is that rocks your boat, do it! as much as possible. life is so bloody short. as a mother, i know that i wouldn’t be as happy not being around my children as much as i can while they are growing up. my heart would feel broken. i was sent to boarding school at five because of circumstances. i couldn’t do that to my children. i work full time but at the school. i dream of travelling on my own, being a writer, wearing kaftans on zanzibar and drinking gins at nine. (this WILL happen)i feel empowered by motherhood. i LIKE to keep the homefires burning. it’s lonely sometimes. sometimes i feel trapped. but i’ve realised it’s a state of mind. i’ve compromised. and i’ve taken. i think there’s a skill in this. compromising. how much to compromise? so you don’t feel frustrated? not sure i’ve mastered this yet but it’s certainly a journey worth travelling. so there. clear as mud eh? and SORRY i never got to write the thing on zanzibar!!!! CRAP i know but its been pretty mad. will email. xxx janelle
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012You are SOOOO right – I love your comment – how much compromising of compromises are we prepared to consider – how much give and take does it um ‘take” to get it right. Life is too short not to follow your passions to a degree I agree – but as you say, kids grow up so fast and so why not enjoy that time as much as possible too….Lx
Kelloggsville
June 26, 2012My initial response is ’42’ because I’m not convinced the question is properly defined. I don’t know Cherie Blair well enough to make too many assumptions but if she it comparing a well educated working professional with a help, gardener, nanny etc to a well educated SAHM with a help, gardener and nanny then I’m tempted to agree unless the SAHM is engaged in some form of productive unpaid work. But this is a world away from comparing my reality of the world in which I would probably disagree with her. Are you asking whether mums should work ever? Or are you asking if it is possible for any mum to be totally happy? It’s all down to context, to individual circumstance and an individuals personal needs for fulfilment.
I wasn’t going to leave a comment as I thought it would sound facetious to just put ’42’ and it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought into the whole subject. But being as you now know I’ve out a lot of thought into my answer, it is ’42’.
Well written Lulu.
Family Affairs
June 26, 201242 is a good answer. About hits the nail on the head. The thing about Cherie Blair’s comments regarding yummy mummies is that her situation is unusual. Yes, she’s worked and is driven but what about all those nannies she needed whilst travelling abroad with her Prime minister husband. She was lucky I suspect to be given a huge amount of leeway in her company because of who she was….that doesn’t work for everyone obviously. Lx
Karin
June 26, 2012Such a fraught topic – with guilt and resentment on all sides of the fence. The tension seems to suggest that no one ends up fully satisfied – else why would we care about anyone else’s choices?
I’ve always had to work – had a Ph.D. student for a husband, now an ex-husband. But I’ve never seen the high-profile, super-ambitious job as the way to happiness, and didn’t start down that path even before kids (though I did work 50-hour weeks back then). I tried to work reduced hours at my consulting job when baby #1 was born, but gave that up after the boss told me to “have a good rest” one day as I rushed out the door to pick up my infant from daycare. Anyway, the truth is that if I ever said I couldn’t make a meeting or travel for the job that I was not going to be taken seriously there.
Now I have a job in local government, where the balance is much easier – but there’s a lot less prestige and recognition (and pay), too. And I still can’t easily sign on to be room-mom at school, or volunteer for the field trips, or be there every time parents are invited in to admire our kids.
It’s easy to look both at the super-successful career moms, and at the stay-at-home moms, and feel jealous. But those successful moms probably don’t get to spend as much time with their kids as I do, and I’d probably lose my mind if I didn’t have a professional job to go to. So I guess I have it all, huh?
Karin
June 26, 2012Here’s another piece on the subject: http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/06/the-secret-shame-of-the-working-mother/258923/
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012Thank you – it really is a global issue – isn’t it? Although I guess in some countries with other things to worry about it isn’t such a problem Lx
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012Sounds like you pretty much do….especially with all those elephants AS WELL – what could be better? Lx
N xx
June 26, 2012My children will always come first, but they also have to learn to adapt to a less-than-perfect world. The money brought in by having a working mum helps us all live slightly more varied less stressful lives, and enables them to experience occasional theatre trips,holidays etc that we couldn’t otherwise have. To juggle, for me, is essentially the stuff of life! It’s busy, hectic even, but never boring. The children see that nothing comes without some effort and dynamism, and that, I think, is a good model. They do learn some independence too – although not a lot!! But I don’t “have it all”, whatever that means. That would mean I’d arrived and life is, after all, a journey.
Family Affairs
June 26, 2012Yup, they do say life is a journey and when you get there….well what does that mean? No more striving? Learning? Changes? Lx
Reluctant Memsahib
June 27, 2012I love that this debate continues to rage for it means that the Having It All remains unresolved. I love this piece and I agree with yours/Philip Larkin’s theory. I think Eleanor Mills has a really valid point. I empathize with Janelle’s searing honesty and I’m with N – I don’t Have It All and I’m not sure that ought to be the Holy Grail to which all women – working outside the home or in – should feel compelled to strive for. Have bunged some thoughts on my blog; thank you for prompting that xx
Family Affairs
June 27, 2012Thanks for the comment – yes – a mixture of contributing factors – definitely Lx
Expat Mum
June 28, 2012God I really hate this topic. There isn’t a “should” and we women shouldn’t be pontificating on what other women do. To be perfectly frank, many of those yummy mummies have very high powered husbands who are hardly ever at home, so if they feel they need to drop the job for a while, why blame them? After my 2nd was born, my husband was chasing the partnership dream, he travelled constantly, I had no support system and felt I had no choice but to quit my job. Yes, I was resentful, but the fannying around that went on as I tried to juggle childcare, nursery school and an insane boss made it all not worth it.
And let’s face it. there are still many professions in which women are treated like second class citizens, albeit in a very subtle way. Why the heck would you put up with that if you didn’t have to?
There are many ways we parents can screw children up and I don’t think this is the biggest one.
Family Affairs
June 28, 2012Thanks for your comment – and yes, I was the same – our joint choice to keep one parent at home so that the other can rise up the ladder – I’m very happy with the decision we made but it has, now, come back to bite me in the bum. Lx
Jane Alexander
June 28, 2012I don’t know, Lulu. Having a child wrecked my career but of course I wouldn’t change a thing. I adore my boy – my greatest achievement. Is there a one-size fits all answer? No, I don’t think so. But that goes for everything in life, really. I tried to do it all – failed dismally. But really had no choice but to try – didn’t have the option of not working – worked up until I gave birth; started back to work after emergency C-section a week later. But hey…it is what it is.
I think we muddle through; we do what we can according to our own priorities and principles; we do the best we can (and yes, as women, our natural inclination generally tends to be to put our children first). Sometimes we have no apparent choice in a matter and then all we can do is change the way we think about it. Should we be censorious about other women’s choices? No. We all sin – just in different ways… 😉
Sorry, that’s not a very helpful answer, hon. Thanks for commenting on mine… And what is ebuzzing? Is it a good thing? 🙂
Family Affairs
June 29, 2012Hugely helpful thanks – just shows it’s an impossible question to answer. I’ll pop back over to tell you about ebuzzing Lx
Shiny
June 29, 2012An impossible question in some ways, but not in another. I think it’s all in defining what ‘all’ means. If by ‘all’ it is meant being a full-time mum while carrying on bursting through the glass ceiling in a high-profile job earning a huge salary all while being composed and perfectly manicured then no, we can’t have it all and we’re doing ourselves no favours striving for that. For me, it is a satisfaction with whatever I’m doing. This sounds so preachy, but it’s surely in the balance? A bit of work, a bit of responsibility, a bit of play, sometimes it’s unbalanced chaos, sometimes it works, it’s all in the acceptance of that. As long as it’s all done with love.
Now that I’ve written all that self-help sounding twaddle, I will sheepishly admit that my life, almost always, lands in the ‘unbalanced chaos’ fold!
xxx
Family Affairs
June 29, 2012Mine too!! Lx
Muddling Along
June 29, 2012It was a great debate, as you say perhaps we should start to focus on what having it all looks like and start to realise that having it all is different things to different people and at different times of their lives
I’m not sure you can have it all at the same time but do hope that I can find a way to have a lot of different things at the same time just in different proportions
Trouble in my view is that the media portray the wrong things – most of us don’t have endless back up at home or the high flying career where you can get the flexibility to do things your own way – the reality is grim for most working mothers and to be honest if the money is marginal then why would you put yourself through that horror UNLESS you have an eye to maintaining a degree of independence in the future
Family Affairs
June 30, 2012Exactly x