The issue of disciplining the children when you are divorced is rife with difficulties. Inevitably, as a parent we are going to get it wrong and be blamed for ruining their lives. In the words of Phillip Larkin:-
They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But at least, in general it is “mum and dad” together, putting on a united front and taking joint responsibility. When I was growing up, it was my father who was the strict disciplinarian. I don’t think that he particularly relished his Ghenghis Khan role, but my mother managed to instil terror into our very heart’s simply by saying, “wait till your father gets home”. He always looked slightly puzzled as to what to do next, but usually managed to think of something.
If you are divorced things change. Children can be very clever about making full use of the divide between the two of you. “Please don’t tell dad, he’ll kill me” is a typical request. This puts you in danger of becoming a soft touch in an effort to stop them shouting “bollocks to this”, packing their bags and moving in with him.
In addition, if you are not on good terms with your ex, it can be difficult to reach an agreement. He might suggest that they are banned from using the Playstation, the Xbox or from watching TV and I’ll be thinking, “it’s all bloody right for you, you don’t have deal with miserable children hanging around because they’re bored and cross”.
In the latest drama, involving my daughter’s anti-social behaviour in Woolworths, my reaction was very different to my ex-husband’s. The headmistress had addressed the letter to both of us, so it was right to inform him of the situation. He went mental. “She needs to be banned from going out and banned from playing with those dreadful girls. She’s growing up too fast and cannot be trusted to behave sensibly in a public place”.
I felt, however, that her behaviour was relatively normal. She has recently finished exams and is therefore testing the boundaries of her new found freedom. Suggesting that she is no longer allowed to play with her friends is ridiculous, in my opinion. She needs to understand how to deal with difficult situations and to learn how to deal with other people’s “unacceptable” behaviour. She will come across people throughout her life that make her feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, as we all do. But I think it is more important to equip her with a strong sense of who she is, by talking to her about the choices available to her and the way she chooses to deal with them.
I also disagreed with him about the fact that she is growing up too quickly. I pointed out that we have to move with the times. Admittedly the childhoods of our offspring are different from ours, as ours were from our parents, but we need to try and understand the differences and accept the changes because she’s going to do things anyway. She and her friends are currently pre-occupied with issues relating to body image and self esteem because they are all reaching puberty., hence hours spent in Boots trying on make-up.
Even the headmistress played it down when I talked to her the next day, saying it was perfectly normal and could have been a lot worse.
The last verse of the Phillip Larkin poem is telling:-
Man hands on misery to man
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can
And don’t have any kids yourself.
Too bloody late, mate….
