COUGARS

Last night I went with a friend to the opening of a shop on the New King’s Road. Very smart it was too. There were so many people in the shop that we had to stand outside – there were a huge number of gorgeous females – some incredibly exotic. One with the greenest eyes and the pinkest lips I have ever seen. There were also more unbelievably well preserved older women than I have seen for a long time – and hardly any men. One woman I talked to, wearing a beautiful black, floor length vintage Biba dress turned out to be Angie Best.

I went out with three other women for dinner afterwards. Three quarters of us were divorced although one was about to embark on a reconciliation with her husband and the fourth was slightly apologetically married. We had a lovely time discussing our individual situations and comparing notes. My friend who has been single for quite a while now is finding that only octogenarians are asking her out for dinner. We all agreed that any men vaguely our age who are still normal (ish) are now going out with women at least twenty years younger than us.

So where does that leave us? Please tell me I don’t have to pay extra attention to the fact that it’s”Older People’s Day” today or find out where they are all going to hang out when The Times offer an Active Life Award? Or start checking out the lonely hearts column of Saga magazine.

Some people would recommend the go younger route. That doesn’t appeal to me at all. Is the point that you would get to have loads more sex? Because if so, it wouldn’t work – I’d dispel the myth that an older woman knows what she’s doing within minutes and wrap myself up in a duvet and some bubble wrap (was just about to add masking tape but beginning to sound a bit kinky so leaving that bit out) in order to avoid displaying any ageing flesh.

Anyway, it seems the jungle has just acquired another animal. There is a new term for the single, over 40 predatory version of Mrs Robinson. These new beasts are on the increase and are commonly known as “cougars”, sinking their fangs into juicy young buttocks (hmmm on second thoughts). Not sure about the term. Quite like the sleek, catlike, sexy thing though…

The situation seems a little bit hopeless from my perspective. I have LOADS of single girlfriends – with quite a few on various dating agencies and so far not one of them has met anyone half decent. One friend texted me a while ago saying something like “1st impressions OK, nice smile, think all own teeth, shirt bit tight and tucked in but can sort, altho think I can see some man boobs – not good”.

I am not going to bother worrying about it though.

I’m on a gap year.