I feel compelled to write a blog post today – firstly to wish you all a Happy Good Friday, but secondly, because it’s a significant day for me and my little old blog. It’s most definitely a marker in the sand because Good Friday is the day I started this blog SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. That’s ridiculous isn’t it? I really should have put it to bed many years ago, but I just can’t quite bring myself to do it. For a time it was like my 4th child as I nurtured and watered it and spent an inordinate amount of time with it and I just can’t quite work out a way to let it all go. If it was my 4th child, it would be ready to go to university or travel or take up an apprenticeship – it would be gearing up to leave home all by itself – maybe that’s the way I need to look at it, so that I can begin to let it go…..but that’s not going to be easy because I struggled every time my kids left home and would have kept them here indefinitely if I hadn’t worked out that the job of a parent is to send them on their way after trying your best to teach them all the fundamental lessons we hope they will take out into the big wide world in order to manage and flourish.
Sitting here, writing aimlessly for all those years frankly got me through some very dark times and kept me busy and off the streets. I have a lot to thank it for – it created a new career for me as well as made me new friends. I got to travel because of it and I still get to review plays and restaurants here and there. We all know how much the world has moved on since 2007 and my first introductory post below shows how far we’ve come in the internet age. I’m very pleased I’ve been a part of it, but it’s overtaken me again – Instagram and Twitter weren’t even in existence at the time and the iphone had only just been released. These days I’m not sure about the internet and where it is heading. It used to be a happy, gentle place to be. Now there are dark corners and aggression and it seems that the Wild West has not found a way to move into the light. I’m currently reading “Infectious Generosity” by Chris Anderson and I’m hopeful that there is still a way to bring all the internet has to offer into a different space – using AI in positive ways and encouraging communities to help and support each other more online. Infectious Generosity is the idea that through the power of the internet, small acts of thoughtfulness spread to change lives at a scale never experienced before. I’ll update you on this when I’ve finished it, but it’s a great concept.
By looking back at what I’d written at the beginning of my divorce it’s clear that time really is a healer. Things become less painful as you begin to get used to your new and different world order and once you accept that there is no turning back, there is a wealth of opportunity ahead of you. The important thing is to get to know yourself and work out what new paths you want to take. Even if only armed with a machete, you can choose the wild, untended paths, you just have to be prepared to hack your way through (metaphorically speaking of course – I’m currently watching “The Gentlemen” where machetes are wielded more freely than one would like – but that’s Guy Ritchie for you).
My children were 12, 10 and 5 when I became a single parent and we were all so busy just getting through it. But now? They’re all thriving and today I’m meeting them for a pub crawl, followed by dinner in a restaurant near where by firstborn has moved to in East London!!! WHO KNEW??? I’m really looking forward to it and it just shows how strange life is and can be. You just never know what’s around the corner – you just have to try not to worry about it too much and then you just have to show up – by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. It will all unfold eventually in ways you never thought possible. I’m very grateful that my children are all in a good place, my cat (despite recent biopsies and skin lesions) is still alive and my house is still standing. At my age and stage we now have illnesses to deal with amongst our friends and it makes me realise how much we just have to be grateful for, so don’t sweat the small stuff so that we can learn to enjoy the present.
I thought I’d reprint my first Easter post – just as a reminder:-
HELLO?
I am conducting an experiment. Another one. My life seems to be full of them at the moment. I apologise in advance to anyone that has the misfortune of accidentally stumbling across my ramblings. I am not a writer, nor am I a regular user of the internet. This particular exercise feels so abnormal that I might as well be attempting to make contact with aliens. I don’t even know what a “blog” is, let alone what a “blogroll” or “blogosphere” means. I have been advised to get my head around RSS feeds – is that a related condition? A new blog is born every second and according to one source there are about 70m blogs in existence that have been built up over the last 10 years. How is it that I am just catching on now? I thought I was cutting edge…
I read somewhere that we should all attempt to challenge ourselves daily. To step out of our comfort zone in some way shape or form. I imagine it’s a bit like becoming a teenager again. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for those, like myself, who are old enough to know better and who can’t really cope with the adrenalin rush associated with putting yourself into an unfamiliar situation. Had I previously been in the SAS or MI5 it would have been fine, I might have welcomed them back with open arms. However, having only ever had about 3 or 4 adrenalin rushes before the age of 40 (not including my 40th birthday party), it is manifestly obvious that they are not good for me. They result in things like acne, sweaty armpits and irregular periods. For a teenager, this is a normal part of growing up, for me it feels more like having all my clothes removed and maybe one or two layers of skin and then being expected to stand in front of a crowd of people who can’t stop laughing.
By way of introduction I should probably just let you know that I am a nearly divorced mother of three who has arguably lost her way. If I’m honest, I would prefer to go back to my old life. The one in which I felt safe. The one in which I knew my boundaries and understood my place in the world. I swathed my entire family in cotton wool and enjoyed the feeling of being comfortably numb. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have had to cope with a major life changing trauma, I wouldn’t be here, attempting to understand the complexities of the modern world. I’d be in bed reading a book or watching television or warning the children not to reveal their postcode to anybody on the internet because a paedophile might come and find them.
My aim is simple. I plan to use the internet as a place to experiment with a new identity in order to find my own voice again. I would like to understand the allure of cyberspace and to embrace the wealth of possibility, rather than to fear the danger. I would also like to remain one step ahead of my children, although I suspect there will be no chance of that. It was not long ago, when my 14 year old asked if I’d logged on yet, that I replied “what do you mean?” Silence. “What part of “have you logged on yet ?” do you not understand?” he said incredulously. It will be mildly interesting to become an active participant in our most traumatic of daily household dramas, that of whose turn it is to use the computer. The children communicate constantly with their friends in this way. I don’t understand it – what’s wrong with meeting for a drink? Or talking on the telephone? They would argue that they can talk to 10 or 15 friends at the same time, but it can’t be right to have a one dimensional relationship with people, to not be responsive to facial expressions and non verbal communication. But that is the way of our brave new world and I for one have been teetering on the edge for too long. I am going to jump in. So here goes….Hello? Is there anybody out there? My name is … well, actually I am quite sure my name is of no interest to anybody, so let’s dispense with formalities for now.
