HAPPY HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY

As usual, I feel compelled to write a blog post today – firstly to wish you all a Happy Happy Good Friday, but secondly, because it’s a significant day for me and my little old blog.  This blog was born on Good Friday, EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO.   It is now legally allowed to drink and go clubbing.  But instead, it just sits here, like a Tamagotchi, waiting for me bring it back to life with a few more words.  It may well be time to accept that it’s run it’s course and that I should just let it die….but I can’t quite bring myself to do it yet.

It became my lifeline back in the early days of my divorce, keeping me safe and sound as I sat in my kitchen tapping at my keyboard instead of tapping on other people’s windows wondering what I was missing.  It taught me how to be alone – although back in the early days I never felt alone with my blog.  There were tribes of us all supporting and nurturing, laughing and crying through each others lives and it meant so much to me.   I have so much to thank it for – it created a new career for me as well as made me new friends.  I got to travel because of it and I still get to review plays and restaurants here and there.

The world has moved on since 2007 and my first introductory post (below) shows how far we’ve come in the internet age.  These days I’m sure AI could do a better job than me, but that was if anyone was still reading blogs….which they’re not.   Instagram and Twitter weren’t even in existence at the time and the iPhone had only just been released.

By looking back at what I’d written at the beginning of my divorce, my writing journey proves that time really is a healer.  Moving on took a lot of work and a few wrong pathways as I got used to my life as a single parent, but life is good now.  My kids are happy, my cat is happy and therefore, I am happy.  My children were 12, 10 and 5 when we got divorced and we were all so busy just getting through it.  But now?  They’re all thriving now.  Beautiful human beings who I love to spend time with.  We partied together last night to celebrate Easter and today they’re at their dad’s.  I sincerely hope that they manage spending time with each parent with relative ease – that’s what it looks like to me.  When my son was asked in a street interview recently what was the most life changing experience he has had to date there was no hesitation in saying “when my parents got divorced” and I immediately felt sad until he clarified by saying “but in a good way – they’re both happier apart and it’s made me who I am today.”

My firstborn has moved into his new house WITH HIS FIANCé (can’t seem to put the accent on a capital ‘E’ soz) and we’re all so excited for their wedding later this year.   I’ve started my new career (that is now possibly my 8th or 9th change of profession – “career” and “profession” possibly being a little over ambitious for all my weird and wonderful jobs).  Deciding to focus exclusively on a fitness career will (I hope) help my own health too.  I’m fascinated by all the coverage of how to get fit over 50 – what about Ralph Fiennes’ new body??  He looks incredible.  OK, he has had to do some extreme work to get there – 5.30am exercise regime, boring steamed food, meal plans, drink plans (I bet no alcohol) so it’s not going to work for everyone (especially not me), but I’m interested in how to find a way to get a good balance.  I’m currently doing another Reformer course for the “Tower,” which is time sensitive, but when I’ve finished it and hopefully passed my exam I’m going to write more stuff on that.

Anyway, as I do almost every year in honour of all that time and effort, I’m reposting my first post for posterity – a sound reminder of all that it meant to me and of how far removed I feel from that lost person all those years ago.  It’s also a reminder for me of how fast time is flying by and how little time there is left to get shit done! Some years, my Good Friday post has been “Bad Friday” or “Not Very Good Friday,” so I’m also thankful for my “Happy Happy Good Friday” post this year.

HELLO?

I am conducting an experiment. Another one. My life seems to be full of them at the moment. I apologise in advance to anyone that has the misfortune of accidentally stumbling across my ramblings. I am not a writer, nor am I a regular user of the internet. This particular exercise feels so abnormal that I might as well be attempting to make contact with aliens. I don’t even know what a “blog” is, let alone what a “blogroll” or “blogosphere” means. I have been advised to get my head around RSS feeds – is that a related condition? A new blog is born every second and according to one source there are about 70m blogs in existence that have been built up over the last 10 years. How is it that I am just catching on now? I thought I was cutting edge…

I read somewhere that we should all attempt to challenge ourselves daily. To step out of our comfort zone in some way shape or form. I imagine it’s a bit like becoming a teenager again. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for those, like myself, who are old enough to know better and who can’t really cope with the adrenalin rush associated with putting yourself into an unfamiliar situation. Had I previously been in the SAS or MI5 it would have been fine, I might have welcomed them back with open arms. However, having only ever had about 3 or 4 adrenalin rushes before the age of 40 (not including my 40th birthday party), it is manifestly obvious that they are not good for me. They result in things like acne, sweaty armpits and irregular periods. For a teenager, this is a normal part of growing up, for me it feels more like having all my clothes removed and maybe one or two layers of skin and then being expected to stand in front of a crowd of people who can’t stop laughing.

By way of introduction I should probably just let you know that I am a nearly divorced mother of three who has arguably lost her way. If I’m honest, I would prefer to go back to my old life. The one in which I felt safe. The one in which I knew my boundaries and understood my place in the world. I swathed my entire family in cotton wool and enjoyed the feeling of being comfortably numb. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have had to cope with a major life changing trauma, I wouldn’t be here, attempting to understand the complexities of the modern world. I’d be in bed reading a book or watching television or warning the children not to reveal their postcode to anybody on the internet because a paedophile might come and find them.

My aim is simple. I plan to use the internet as a place to experiment with a new identity in order to find my own voice again. I would like to understand the allure of cyberspace and to embrace the wealth of possibility, rather than to fear the danger. I would also like to remain one step ahead of my children, although I suspect there will be no chance of that. It was not long ago, when my 14 year old asked if I’d logged on yet, that I replied “what do you mean?” Silence. “What part of “have you logged on yet ?” do you not understand?” he said incredulously. It will be mildly interesting to become an active participant in our most traumatic of daily household dramas, that of whose turn it is to use the computer. The children communicate constantly with their friends in this way. I don’t understand it – what’s wrong with meeting for a drink? Or talking on the telephone? They would argue that they can talk to 10 or 15 friends at the same time, but it can’t be right to have a one dimensional relationship with people, to not be responsive to facial expressions and non verbal communication. But that is the way of our brave new world and I for one have been teetering on the edge for too long. I am going to jump in. So here goes….Hello? Is there anybody out there? My name is … well, actually I am quite sure my name is of no interest to anybody, so let’s dispense with formalities for now.