I feel exhausted. Two 50th birthday parties, one blogging conference and an emotionally draining day with Builder Bloke has left me feeling a little frail.
Of course most of it was lovely, birthday parties and catching up with old friends. The children were with their father and the sun was shining……and yet, still, here and there, I moped. One set of friends had come over from Australia. They are the all time beautiful couple. Gorgeous, happy and still in love after all this time and I love them, but it always saddens me slightly because we spent so much time together when our children were born – when I was in an entirely different, happily married place. I can’t help but pine for “the way we were”, which I am told is odd, all this time later, but I don’t care, I think it is entirely normal and I wouldn’t be very human if I didn’t sometimes think about the good times we all had and what my children have lost as a result. I know our friends find it difficult too – seeing us separately in entirely different lives.
I had lunch with BB yesterday in the knowledge that my Aussie friends were off to see my ex and meet his new wife and see my children and sit by their pool in the sweltering 30 degree heat of the day and therefore I was sulking. About life. I was in A. Very. Bad. Mood. I’d had a lovely day at the Cybermummy Conference the day before but was aware that my blog was no longer providing me with the support and pleasure that it had done in the past. Many of my blogging friends that I bumped into were sympathetic about the fact that it had been discovered and that I was in trouble. That I had lost my natural voice as a result. I was miserable about that and I was still cross with BB about his recent dispute with his ex wife. Stuck in a wife swap scenario means that if one person misbehaves we all suffer the consequences.
I talked to him about my concerns. About my misery. About how it all felt like it was getting on top of me and he listened. Tried to understood. But as ever, he seems to see life differently to everybody else. I don’t always agree with him. It’s hard. He didn’t say anything particularly insightful – he’s a simple soul at heart. Very clear about his likes (his children, beer, wine, curry, golf, Portugal, Jeremy Clarkson and me) and dislikes (I won’t go into those). I told him that everything felt wrong and the only thing I actually remember him saying was “is duck the new chicken?”. I’m still trying to work out WTF he was talking about.
I was also dreading the meeting I’d arranged with my ex later that evening when he dropped the kids home. To discuss our impasse regarding maintenance and my blog. We sat outside and talked it all through whilst drinking wine. Actually we both remained fairly calmly. I told him I understood his concerns and apologised on the basis that of course nobody likes being written about from an opposing side of the ring, but tried to explain how important it was to me when I started it. He made it very clear about what he thought of it but we somehow managed, I hope to reach an agreement.
I of course don’t want to stop writing stuff down. Don’t want to stop my blog. But maybe I can find a way to make it readable without upsetting anyone. Maybe it will be possible to continue. I don’t know. We’ll see. It’s certainly not easy writing when you don’t get that warm glow of knowing other people agree with you. But I guess that is the nature of the beast. It’s a risk. It’s not a risk worth taking if it ultimately affects my children, but I don’t believe that is the case. He wasn’t asking me to stop blogging per se. Just wanted me to be more reasonable when it came to writing about him. I think I can do that. I hope I can. Of course I’m warning you it’s going to turn into boring bloody blog.
Apologies in advance.
kelloggsville
June 27, 2011Well here comes a whole new chapter. 🙂
I too hope you find your balance. I look forward to finding out whether Duck really is the new chicken and exactly what those dislikes are. Maybe you will blog about BB until he too say ‘enough’. I thought My hubby would get fed up of me moaning about him but it seems like water off a new chicken’s back.
and besides who needs a pool, e-madge-ine the hassle on the other 364 days 🙂
x
Mud
June 28, 2011You will find balance, and a way to express yourself which everyone needs (esp in such a stressful and moving situation).
Not sure I can help on the duck/chicken question though. My life seems to be mainly prawns these days!
Family Affairs
June 28, 2011OOOH, must pop over to see how you are getting on Lx
Jon Storey
June 28, 2011I don’t know about everyone else but I can do boring, though I doubt we will have to!!
Good luck, looking forward to tomorrow….
Family Affairs
June 28, 2011Thank you again!!! But yes, you’re right, there’s always something not boring to write about Lx
DD's Diary
June 29, 2011I would still read you if you wrote exclusively about concrete, paint drying and roadworks, you could make anything interesting. Glad you talked to the ex and cleared the air. I think BB is right about duck being the new chicken. I also think that tuna is the old salmon for what it’s worth. Lovely to see you on Saturday xx
Family Affairs
June 29, 2011Great to see you too and thanks for that lovely comment!!! Lx