MARRIAGE, ADULTERY & DIVORCE

Apparently there are fewer couples divorcing now that at any time since 1974. Why is that? I have read a few theories of late.

One suggested that it was because, for Generation X born between 1965 and 1980 they were so traumatised that many of their own parents got divorced they attempt to avoid doing the same thing themselves. She describes this new breed of “helicopter parents” as those that “having survived the wreckage of split families were determined never to inflict such wounds on our children and the fundamental premise was simple: Kids come first”.

Another theory is that couples simply can’t afford to divorce anymore. Extortionate divorce fees and a difficult housing market means that couples are being forced to live together despite ending their relationship. I know a few couples who are “saving up for divorce” because they can’t afford two houses.

Currently a third of marriages end in divorce. I heard recently that another third stay together happily married and the final third stay together unhappily married. That is a little depressing – only a third of marriages are happy? Really? I suppose expecting to love and cherish your partner and be loved in return is a pretty big ask and bringing up a happy family is not at all easy. Are modern marriages therefore extraordinary in the expectation that to be happy with the same person over an entire lifetime is still entirely possible?

I wonder if both theories apply. Certainly those friend’s I have whose parents divorced work very hard to keep their marriages together – I guess if you went through the trauma as a child you would see divorce from a very different perspective. My parents had a very happy marriage so I wasn’t scarred. Perhaps that did affect my decision making process.

Do you think our expectations for what makes a good marriage are too high? A 2003 study by the psychologist Shirley Glass found that the mores of sexual infidelity are undergoing a profound change. The traditional standard for men – “love is love and sex is sex” is dying out. Increasingly, men and women develop serious emotional attachments with their partners long before they commit adultery. As a result, she found, “infidelity today is much more likely to lead to divorce”.

I am quite surprised about that because although that is exactly what happened to my marriage I know a lot of marriages who seem to get through an affair – not necessarily very successfully, but they are still together.

Hmmm. Interesting food for thought.