In fairness, to balance out the debate, it’s only right to look at what happens to men in their 40’s. Veronica Henry in her article on “Invisible at 40” says that whilst women can lose their way, “at the same time, men in their 40’s whose children have been cared for by someone else are much more likely to be reaching their zenith, becoming partners, managing directors, heads of department. They are enjoying power, respect and financial reward. This inevitably puts a strain on marriages and relationships which are already likely to be creaking a little if you’ve been together for many years”.
Well. True. But not for all the men I know. My ex husband for example. The midlife crisis can hit hard when you least expect it and I think that he probably had a total meltdown without me noticing, which was a little remiss of me, even if I was up to my eyeballs in mashed banana and nappies.
He, like many men, went through the very predictable traits of a man deep in the midst of a crisis. He talked occasionally about wanting to leave his job to go and work in a Post Office somewhere remote. He wanted to buy a Harley Davidson, he started going to the gym, buying new music, the usual sort of stuff. He was clearly profoundly unhappy with his lot in life, suddenly questioning the purpose of his existence in a “what have I got? What’s in it for me?” sort of way.
It is manifestly obvious that something happens to men in the middle of their lives, especially to the high achievers. I think he probably woke up one morning, looked around him at me, his three children, his big house, his big mortgage, his big responsibilities, ageing parents and thought “F*CK! Is this really what life is all about?” He probably felt a dawning realisation that the ambitions he had achieved had done little to satisfy him. He would have been worried about haemorrhaging money and wondering how all this materialism had removed him from his quality of life and the relationships he felt he deserved. I’m quite sure his home environment exacerbated his angst – ungrateful children, a dismissive wife who didn’t want to run a post office, with issues of her own – he was powerful in the workplace and yet ignored at home and because men are generally not the world’s best communicators, he had nobody to talk to…..
Unluckily for us, on to the stage walks his “soulmate”. A divorcee who massaged his ego and his umm….well we’ll leave that bit out and listened to his problems and provided a sanctuary for him. Albeit temporarily. That was when he lost his direction and his control. He wanted solutions and didn’t know how to find them. So he blew everything out of the water. He became irrational, unreasonable – an unguided missile.
I know a lot of men (and women) at this stage of our lives who indulge in the dangerous toxic cocktail of work, sex, money, ambition, alcohol, power, hormones and the general thrill of feeling alive again – some manage to reign it back in without hurting anyone. Others fail spectacularly at this task because they no longer know what they want. We didn’t succeed in working things out. Others do better and go on to lead far happier lives safe in the knowledge that they’ve worked out what it is they want – together.
So. If women are invisible and men are miserable how do we address the balance? Or is it more simple than that? Perhaps it’s not a gender issue at all. Perhaps it’s more a matter of compromise, learning to respect your partner, better communication and more honesty, together with a yearly assessment of hopes, dreams and targets.
saz
January 21, 2010interesting lu, l do feel that with all the time, love and stress invested in a marriage it is an easy cop out to walk… but l am generalising. I do know several of my friends are on their 2nd or third spouse…after walking for what l would call not deal breaking reasons….
I don’t believe enough couples put their children before themselves..or can’t too self serving…..l do believe its easier for men to walk out and move on…and l think that must be the different bond with their children. It isnt usual for women to walk and dads have custody..
I would like to have a sip from that cocktail you describe, but l wouldn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t because of the greater good…if it were just me and the ball and chain who knows..grass is always greener….and often regretted….
l am generalising and only speaking from my and my pals experiences, by no means painting everyone the same….we al have tough times, rough times and l’m looking for the buff times….I am in mid life crisis, thing is l recognise it and am dealing with it, albeit day by day and trying to think of the greater good, bigger picture and the consequences to any possible actions l may take, cocktails l might sip…
Family Affairs
January 21, 2010All good points too and somewhere in there is the argument for how much of your life should one live through/for other people rather than for yourself? I do agree that kids should always come first but at what cost? At some point you have to way up how life will be if the parents stay together and are miserable or who separate and are at some point happy again Lx
Nicola
January 21, 2010Well, you have described my ex to a T (except for the ‘soulmate’ which only happened a year after we’d separated. I think). They’re such huge generalisations to make – but of course they ring true. It’s easy to look back and see how textbook our issues were and how we could have overcome them with a little empathy and understanding of each others situation, but at the time we were both too entrenched in our own misery. I watch ex’s life now – gallivanting around the US and the world with his job when it suits him, dedicating his free time to running and his new love, taking trips with her that he could never have taken with me because we just didn’t have any childcare options so far from home, enjoying her full attention because she doesn’t have children yet to compete with. Part of me thinks that ultimately his life will become what we had together…but maybe he will have grown up by then and will be ready to accept it. Who knows?
I have to say, I find it all so very, very depressing. Particularly when I know that a part of me is ambitious and driven myself and am attracted to these go-getting successful men. The last thing I want is for past patterns to repeat themselves in my life.
Family Affairs
January 21, 2010So true Nicola. I agree with everything that you’ve said Lx
London Dad
January 21, 2010Can’t comment on men in their 40’s. I am only 39 and a quarter.
Family Affairs
January 21, 2010Oh you have so much ahead of you! Lx
diane foden
January 22, 2010Mine wasn’t involved in the thrusting world of business, really, so he went off to find his spirituality instead. With a younger woman with four children. It’s hard trying to fight God in the shape of a willing young woman.
stigmum
January 22, 2010I can’t really comment on this either, me and the foca not together any length of time in our thirties. We did go to Relate though, who told us to read The Joy of Sex, which was slightly missing the point…
In the online dating world i’m currently travelling, all the guys who ‘look’ at me are in their mid to late 40’s, some in their 50’s. However I’ve so far had no luck which I can’t decide whether that’s lucky or not. A very interesting post though, thanks very much!
Family Affairs
January 23, 2010Thanks stigmum – let me know how you get on with the online dating bit. I’m v curious about all that. Lx
Nicola
January 22, 2010So, your ex, looked around at “me, his three children, his big house, his big mortgage, his big responsibilities, ageing parents” and…..after a little interlude finds himslef with “another woman, SIX children, a bigger house, a bigger mortgage, no doubt still big responsibilites…….” that sounds crazy to me. If he had responsibility issues before……surely the monster’s got bigger even if he hasn’t quite noticed it yet. Meanwhile the treasure he has left behind is his own children, (and of course you). It may not always seem like it but you have the best deal. Precious time with them is irreplaceable. I know it’s really really tough at times, but I also know you wouldn’t swap with him for all the tea in China.
All the red wine? Now that’s a different story…..
Family Affairs
January 23, 2010OMG. I hadn’t thought of that – he’s got SO much more responsibility now – I guess. But it’s love….so it’s different….Lets hope for his sake it lasts. But you’re right. I wouldn’t swap my position for all the tea in China….BUT all the sauvignon blanc from the Malborough region? Hmmm. Don’t make me choose. Lx
Expat Mum
January 22, 2010What really pisses me off is that these guys just think it’s OK to leave everything and everyone behind to “find themselves” or otherwise deal with their mild-life crisis. We all look at our lives from time to time and think “Bloody hell, there’s no getting out of this” but how many women piss off with a toy boy and leave the husband with the kids.
Sorry for the rant. I’m lucky that this hasn’t happened to me but it happened to a close friend a few years back and the ex’s behaviour almost destroyed their kids. Guys like this are basically saying that their wants and their needs are more important than anyone else’s and, when you bring children into the world, that’s simply not OK.
Family Affairs
January 23, 2010Well, yes, EM, there is that. Lx