My 17 year old son’s mangled car got picked up yesterday by the insurance company. The man who came to collect it made a lot of “Mercy Mother Of God” comments about how amazing it was that nobody had been seriously injured or died.
Good grief. I’ve had lots of concerned friends all talking about the “what if’s” that just do not bear thinking about. My friends and I have all got so many children between us, please, please let them all get to adulthood in one piece. Strangely, the only person that hasn’t been able to empathise with me has been his father…..we were obviously both hugely relieved that he and all the other’s were safe, but beyond that there was no emotion or additional discussion between us. How sad is that? I had 1000% more sympathy from the tow-truck driver.
My son and his friend managed several days of sore necks and feeling “disorientated” to persuade the school nurse that they needed to go home and lie down immediately. That worked particularly well around the time of the England game….
I rang my X to discuss the insurance and during the call I said that in light of what had happened would he support my request not to let our son drive our other two children (or Builder Bloke’s children) ANYWHERE. Because I would be terrified at the thought of them in the car with him. He refused to agree, accusing me of double standards and when I hung up he sent me a text saying:-
“I don’t agree with or accept what you have said. I hope it is also absolutely clear to you that I will make my own decisions about our children when they are with me. This is about doing the right thing, about making good, right and fair decisions in everyones best interest. It is not about point scoring or getting your own way”.
All I wanted was a little understanding about how I was feeling post his crash. Not a f*cking lecture.
It’s just so disappointing to find that there appears to be no level upon which to find some common ground. Not even when our son was in a very scary situation. Just rubbish. It shouldn’t be like that.
fab feisty and fifty
June 24, 2010if its not about one upman ship the he wouldnt have written this..to you
‘It is not about point scoring or getting your own way”.
anyway you are the bigger and better person….they are all fuckwit!!(my latest fave word to describe ‘them’)
saz x
fab feisty and fifty
June 24, 2010…oh and l have a theory….and it makes me feel better and smile when l think it (even if it isnt true…which it is)
the reason ‘they’ can’t communicate and see us regularly on any level, is that they still love us and fancy us to bits and just want to get into our knickers, but darent be civil in case they let slip the slightest nuance…
makes me giggle every time….(in between the vomiting that is)
saz x
Jon Storey
June 24, 2010Agree with Saz’s first comment.
Better leave her second comment for you girls to debate!
Karin
June 24, 2010Sounds to me like he’s defensive and taking the whole thing as an, “I told you so” moment from you – and losing sight of the big picture of your kids’ safety.
PippaD @ A Mothers Ramblings
June 24, 2010I agree with both Soz’s comments. And Jon cos he agrees with Saz.
Chic Mama
June 24, 2010What is wrong with the man? Sorry, shouldn’t be so personal….but it is as though when the children aren’t living with them….THEY suddenly have double standards about safety.
Can you not just tell your son how you feel? Or does he think it’s okay to drive his siblings? There should be a law about the number of passengers they can have until a certain level of experience and age of passenger too. I know that makes situations difficult for some but surely it’s safer and makes sense. Sorry you’ve got more to worry about on top of everything else. xx
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010I have decided the best way forward is to say to my kids that this is my rule and if they break it there will be hell to pay….hopefully that should work. Lx
English Mum
June 24, 2010Guilt, guilt, guilt. Every time you repeat anything he’s said, it comes across as so defensive. He’s spiky because he’s guilty. End of.
PS: Great tea today! Champers all round xx
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010I know. Wasn’t it lovely. Great to see you Lxx
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010PS- does it come across as guilt? I can’t see that AT ALL. Defensive yes, angry yes, but not guilty….Lx
louise
June 25, 2010?? Am I reading right? Despite all your differences, between you it is essential to have some common rules, and I totally agree that your son, having just passed his test, should not be driving the other children around. The first year of driving there are always bumps – and at times things more serious. I think in the States that a young driver cannot carry more than one person for the first year after their test (or did I dream this up – whatever, it sounds like a good idea).
That you each have different rules in your own homes is normal and if they go to bed thirty minutes later is not the end of the world – but if you don’t agree, they will play you off one against the other. They all do!
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010I know Louise and I totally agree, Children who are the product of divorce can certainly play one parent off against each other. I am very upset that my X is not supporting my decision and all I can do is talk directly to the kids about it – about my rules but of course there are another set in the other house. I am flabbergasted that he will not agree to my request – especially since Builder Bloke’s 18 year old son just got his new car two days ago and I don’t want my children in his car either. Lx
karen
June 25, 2010Oh no! I am just catching up here.. so sorry to hear of your son’s accident. It really is a horrible experience as a parent (and just as much as a step-parent!) we went through the same thing last year with our 19 year old. I do feel for you with the attitude you are putting up with there. I am sure that your son has learned a big lesson, though, and will probably be a safer driver because of it but you will probably never get rid of the driving anxiety thing, I know I still have it and the boys have been driving for years now!
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010Thanks Karen and I guess it’s a little bit more scary driving about in Africa! Lx
janelle
June 25, 2010oh christ…what a KNOBHEAD? so sad that he can’t just get over and ON with it, with the kids best interest and leave his bullshit out of it? don;t know how you do it…would make me WILD. sorry darlin’. as said previously, just SO relieved all ok….bloody hell. and yes you simply don;t want them all in one car/basket at this stage. no. completely sensible and right….(god. what a KNOBHEAD.) xxx j
Family Affairs
June 25, 2010Just so perfectly eloquently put as ever xxx
fd
June 25, 2010“I hope it is also absolutely clear to you that I will make my own decisions about our children when they are with me. This is about doing the right thing, about making good, right and fair decisions in everyones best interest.”
Is it just me or are these two sentences in direct contradiction with one another? How is it in everyone’s best interest if he is the only one making decisions about everything when the children are with him. Is he the only capable judge of the right, good and fair decisions? Is he the only one affected by the decisions?
Either way, so sorry you have this to deal with. If its any consolation, I had a similar accident less than 6 months after getting my driving licence when I was 18, and over 10 years later, it still replays in my mind and I’ve been an extremely careful driver ever since. It really helped underline for me the responsibility I have for passengers. I hope it has the same effect on your son.
'm'
June 26, 2010Only just catching up here….it is a ‘revenge’ thing isn’t it?….after all this time, he thinks he has found happiness with someone else, he no longer wants you back, and he wants to show you he is ‘all right’….but to me, comments like this are simply a way of getting back at you, ‘cos he knows it will make you unhappy….rise above it. Janelle is SO right….
Family Affairs
June 26, 2010Thanks ‘m’. Not sure. Just think he doesn’t value anything I say or do – which is a great shame and also it’s a money thing. Not sure about revenge….how can he be taking revenge after he had the affair in the first place?? Maybe you’re right tho. He certainly doesn’t see it like that. Lx
Jill
June 26, 2010Totally agree, you all need to support each other on these decisions. You asked him to support you, and he refused, instead making it an argument. There is no good coming from that, and all you can do at this point is set the rules in your house about the car, and diffuse the argument with the Ex. Good luck!
QldDeb
June 28, 2010It sounds cynical, but the only way I’ve seen these situations work (and it’s definitely not the BEST solution) is that there is one set of rules with mum and one with dad.
Makes the kids a bit schizophrenic (spelt wrong, I know), but that stops the playing against each other. “That’s my rule in my house, what you’re father does in his house is is business.”
It kind of stops the back & forth. I actually hold my hand up, palm forward, saying I don’t want to know. It’s really hard to do the separating to start with, though.
Family Affairs
June 28, 2010Yes, I’m beginning to see that is the only way to actually deal with the situation and may be the only way to truly let go and get on with my own life. Regardless of our separate views we both have our kids best interests at heart Lx