control

This is how I feel. Out. Of. Control. This is a very strange feeling - in fact I don't like it - never been one for enjoying floating about aimlessly or scary rides which flip me any which way. I like feeling grounded and IN CONTROL. This is mostly about my children. Who apparently this summer don't appear to need me at all. Neither do I appear to have any influence on what they are currently doing with themselves. I am finding this marginally depressing and a teeny bit exciting. Take my firstborn son for example. He is somewhere in Belgium. At a festival called Tomorrow Land. Or Tomorrowland. I'm not really sure. In a town called "Boom" which seems appropriate - sort of like they've lived their whole life just waiting for an enormous electronic festival to descend on them year after year. Anyway, life with children I thought was meant to be about shared experiences and frankly, he has gone. Yes, I know he's old and that is therefore normal but it still feels strange. I still can't help parenting him from afar "where r u?" is something I appear to be texting him a lot and by the time he's bothered to reply he is two days of being somewhere else. "Don't take any illegal substances" is another text I sent prior to his submergence into a two day love-in - or whatever it is and I don't even know what I'm talking about - are there illegal substances there or do you get shot at dawn if you have any or are all illegal substances in Germany actually legal? So you see? My mind is a little whirl of rubbish as I wonder where he is - EVEN WORSE than this was the text I sent in reply to "OMG the line up is AMAZING" - I actually asked him who was playing in manner of someone who for a the smallest of moments thought they might actually be a teeny bit hip "Tiesto, Sebastian Ingrosso, Hardwell, Steve Aoki etc". WTF. Are they artists or DJ's? Or Names of Beer? This is not good. I am going to make my children take me to Ibiza. No I'm not. That is really sad. I'm going to find a friend to go to Ibiza with. No I'm not. I'm going to breath deeply and remember that I am too old to go clubbing anymore. No I'm not. You're never too old for anything. It's all in the mind. So. That is my son. MY DAUGHTER - OMG - how worried have we all been about our girls. Out in a resort where there was a brawl followed by a stabbing and now ultimately a murder. So very, very sad. She said she walked past all the paramedics as they were trying to save him. A young British boy. What a tragic waste. Of course you imagine that the whole area is therefore dangerous - but of course it doesn't really work like that. This is all drink fuelled. THEY ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH. But. She is home. Safe and sound and very very happy. "I'm not gonna lie mum, that was the best holiday I've ever had ever in my whole life" - this was said with eyes nearly shut on the table at 7pm - she has had no sleep for a week and is absolutely covered in bruises. Something to do with falling off a stool on the first night with her friend. Don't believe me? My youngest has just had his 13th birthday and is finding his feet. Getting his voice. Testing the water. This age is the worst. All that testing does my head in. I'm not sure I'm ready. SO YOU SEE? DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE GOOD REASON TO FEEL OUT OF CONTROL? I wish I was a Black Widow Spider, then I'd just weave my web around them all, wrap them up and strap them on my back. Or maybe eat them. That would make everything a whole lot easier. And cheaper.