relationships

The worst thing for a friend to say to me when I'm having a bit of a shit time is "I know you're having a bit of a shit time - how are you?" because it totally disarms me. It is usually because I have persuaded myself that I'm not having nearly as shit a time as lots of other people and even the slightest whiff of sympathy is an absolute disaster for me. A friend has just done that - "I'm fine" I told her with an increasingly wobbly voice (Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional). "The kids are fine. My job is fine. I'm fine on my own, I just don't feel like going out tonight". She is understandably worried - not wanting to go out is a total first for me so it's either a sign that I am suicidally depressed or a sign that I am finally growing up and not feeling the need to run after (or away from) my life. Yes, of course I'm missing Builder Bloke and I'm having to come to terms with being single again, but there are upsides to not being with him. Most importantly, because of the complicated "wife swap" scenario we were in, it is good to have less stress between my ex husband and me. Conversations and arguments aren't swooping round and round in four different directions like Chinese Whispers and he has been sympathetic to the situation I have found myself in. So much so that when I had to go and collect my daughter's art book from his house the other evening his new wife - my children's stepmother invited me in! It was the first time that I'd stepped over the threshold of the house where my children spend every other weekend and I was very nervous about it. Then she asked me if I wanted a drink. After a slight pause in which I am quite sure she could see me thinking "shit, f*ck, yes, no, HELP!!" I said "yes, why not" and so I sat with her and my ex husband in their kitchen, drinking wine and talking. The situation was strange but surprisingly fine. In fact it was more than fine it was a good thing to do and a major step forward in developing our grown up working relationship on behalf of the six children we have between us. It is obvious that our common bond means that we both want the best for our children and will do all that we can to make sure that happens. We all know that the kids (especially the younger ones) would find it a lot easier if we had a better relationship and certainly down the line there will be events - significant birthdays, graduations, maybe even weddings that we will all need to be at. How much better it will be for all concerned if everyone can be in the same room together being civil. We both know how much stress it will alleviate for our children in the years to come. I am feeling very grown up and think we all deserve a gold star (presented to us by our children). Although tomorrow's post will probably be called "It's All About Me"...