Navigate our site
I have woken up on this leap year day feeling miserable. I can't think of one spectacular thing to do today that isn't inappropriate (a tattoo is very tempting for some bizarre reason but ridiculous) and have nobody to propose to, so instead I have been fretting, since 5am, about where my life is going and what I'm going to do about it all and worrying about everything. Five years ago, almost to the day my Decree Absolute came through. When I had counselling pre my divorce the counsellor used to ask me where I wanted to be in five years time. I think I must have been visualising clear azure waters and pale sand and warm sun so hard that my wish has actually come true - it's just that the bloody genie got the wrong person and it's my son that is the lucky recipient of my mental powers because he is the one who is currently floating around the Great Barrier Reef and off to Airlie Beach and thinking he's in heaven. NOT ME. Which is FINE. OBVIOUSLY. I AM VERY HAPPY FOR HIM. I can't be there, I have other children to look after. Responsibilities. Work to do. Bills to pay. Daily life to lead. Issues to deal with. Things don't feel at all right at the moment. I have mucho worries. My mother, whilst being supportive isn't helping the situation. When my father was alive I'd ring him to discuss my latest drama or concern and he'd talk me through it step by step. He'd come up with a practical plan. Give me some solid advice. For the last few months, because of the issues I am dealing with the moment (that cannot be openly discussed for various reasons) she mostly sighs a lot and says "What a mess" in lots of different ways. Like, "WHAT. A. MESS" or "what a meeeesssssssssss". It makes things feel worse somehow. Time is going by and I appear to be making no progress. I have a number of friends teetering on the verge of separating from their partners at the moment. I don't feel like I am able to give them any positive advice about the future. Yes, we all know people who have found their soulmate later in life and couldn't be happier, but it's not particularly common or realistic. It's a big scary world out there and it is changing rapidly. There are many more younger single women around - those who took it for granted that they would spend their 20's and 30's finding themselves and building their career and having fun are suddenly finding that there are not too many men left waiting for them as they reach the stage of wanting to settle down. Kate Bollick wrote a very popular article in The Atlantic Magazine recently all about the sea change afoot that is "every bit as wrenching and irreversible as the Industrial Revolution". "Immensely liberating and immensely scary - when it comes to what people actually want and expect from marriage and relationships and how they organise their sexual and romantic lives, all the old ways have broken down". 43% of Generation Xers think that marriage is becoming obsolete and many haven't dealt with the matter "in a timely fashion". This new scarcity of suitable men she says "disrupts what economists call the 'marriage market' in a way that in fact narrow the available choices. This shrinking pool of traditionally 'marriageable' men is dramatically changing our social landscape and producing startling dynamics in the marriage market". She also says that when confronted with "a surplus of women, men become promiscuous and unwilling to commit to a monogamous relationship". Her opinion is that the "the more successful a man is (or thinks he is) the less interested he is in commitment". She as a gorgeous, clever, nearly 40 year old woman who has had to accept that she might always be single and is learning to accept that prospect and thrive on her own. But. Where does that leave the single ageing divorcee parents? In a very messy world with few choices and all sorts of added complications to consider I suspect. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN and I feel I've lost my way a bit of late. Time is rushing by and I am not in control. I don't want to take up sailing or Karate to find a partner. In fact I don't really think I want a partner at all but the danger is that the more I get used to my own company the more difficult it will be to let someone else in....and that is just in my fantasy world of assuming there is anyone out there suitable enough (i.e. single, own hair, teeth, friends, not too much baggage, doesn't snore, have horrid feet or an STD, that I can trust). I think I might just go back to bed. Perhaps I just got out of the wrong side of the bed. You can do that when you sleep in a double bed on your own. I'll try the other side tomorrow.
Thank you to those of you who have emailed and texted.....you're right - too many reviews/current affair posts = trouble at mill. My life is a DISASTER at the moment on lots of different levels. I could list my Top 40 issues but perhaps my Top 3 will suffice for the moment:- 1. My cat has cystitis. Honestly. How ridiculous. When the vet asked if he had any reason to be stressed and if there had been any changes to the home recently - my daughter announced that she thought it was probably because my mother had been to stay. I am having to break open numerous capsules to add to his food every day. 2. I have split up with Builder Bloke. I can't tell you why. Suffice to say that I am deeply hurt and angry. 3. I didn't get into the list of finalists for the "Best British Travel Blogger" awards. Hardly surprising as I struggled to find a travel post that fitted into the dates required. But still. Disappointing. I do a weird thing when I'm miserable - totally shallow and childish (bit like when you're driving and decide not to put your foot on the brake unless absolutely necessary whilst slowing down to see if you are going to bump gently into the person in front) I decide in a "Dice Man-Esque" manner that the next song I hear on the radio will determine my immediate future and send a clear message. The last three times I've turned the radio on it's been the same song and I've been puzzled because I thought it was all about "You Have Been The Best Thing I Ever Had" and I kept thinking, "oh no, I've made a hideous mistake" but I've just found out that the lyrics in fact are "You Have Been The Best Thing I Never Had"......which is entirely different. I tried to be very grown up and sensible all weekend and made myself stay in on Saturday and sunday evening ON MY OWN. It's pathetic how rubbish I am at enjoying my own company..... SO. Whilst I"m on my scary, lets take fate out of my hands and put it into someone else's the next thing I have just done is check out my Buddhist offering for the day and honestly it couldn't be more relevant to the situation and it reminds me how lucky I am to have three gorgeous children who take priority over everything else:- 17th October "Our children are our meditation" and finally, now I'm on a roll and a little bit bored at home on my own I'm going to check my Chinese Fortune sticks "LIVE"....(off I go...........) Number 36 YOUR FORTUNE You've years of happiness in store, But friend, be warned in time, Hard luck is apt to visit you, If so, twill be through wine. Honestly - when my brothers read this they will laugh. I'm quite sure that most of my family's misfortune has been down to wine. So I need to pay attention - perhaps start drinking vodka instead. YOU SEE? It's a sign... (....shuffles off to put the wine back in the fridge immediately). ps: my other cat - the one who doesn't have cystitis is actually snoring LOUDLY on a chair behind me. Things can only get better....