I only lasted two hours this morning whilst out shopping with my children. It all went wrong. I kept telling my daughter her skirt was too short and she kept getting cross. I then wasn’t in the mood to buy anything she kept pointing out and my youngest child practically threw himself on the floor with boredom every time we entered yet another shop that didn’t have either sweets, cook books or playstations in them.
I came home with three tubs of Marks and Spencer’s brandy butter (well, it’s the best and last year they sold out before I could get any) and um, thats it. Daughter is exceedingly grumpy because she only came out with me in the hope that I would buy more things for her. Youngest child. Ditto. Oldest son hasn’t even thought about presents or ventured near a shop yet.
He will do what my brother does at the 11th hour. I will expect many calls from him that get increasingly more grumpy with an increasing touch of panic in his voice. Today was the start of it for my brother. Call number one said “if I’ve been asked to buy Ugg boots do I have to buy Ugg boots or can I buy some other sort of boot?”. “No” I told him, you have to buy Ugg boots. “Oh bollocks, well I can’t. There’s a queue and I’m not f*cking standing in a queue for a pair of boots”. “You might as well, it will only get longer”. “No, forget it I’ll come back in the week”. The next conversation involved what sort of Ugg boots he had to buy for his wife. Colour and style. Daughter advised on this.
His next call was about my daughter’s present. “Does she still like Cath Kidson? Good great. I’m buying her a towel”. “Sorry, she’s already got one of those”. “Oh bollocks. Well never mind I’m in the f*cking queue now and it’s too late”. “If you haven’t paid for it maybe swap it for a bag?”. “NO I CAN”T THERE AREN’T ANY BAGS. OH FORGET IT THEN. FINE. I wish I hadn’t called now. I’ll put it back and go somewhere else”.
The next call involved something for my son and so on. What a nightmare for him that I have so many bloody children. Oh well, I will remind him next time he calls that he should be bloody pleased I no longer have a husband he has to consider. I also suggested that it would probably be better if he didn’t phone me again today.
The high streets must be full of happy shoppers with tourettes.