Apologies to all my non-readers out there for the lack of news this week. I have been feeling slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of my “To Do” list this week and there has not been any spare time to update you all. In addition, I am finding this blogging business unbelievably frustrating. Primarily because I am too stupid to even work out how to create a link. I don’t know how to do it, which means that I’m continuing to write a blog that is not even out there yet.
As I am currently addressing precisely no one about my life, I thought that for now, a weekly update would suffice. This at least means I won’t have to bore you with too much detail. Instead I will briefly cover my Top 10 list of things-that-are-taking-up-a-lot-of-my-time:
Fourteen year old
No news to report. No trouble, apart from normal teenage grumpiness. Away for Bank Holiday weekend on a football tour. Apparently he and five mates won the prize for having the smelliest room.
Eleven year old
No trouble either. Owing to an overdue promise, I took her to Top Shop in Oxford Street. It happened to coincide with the launch of the new Kate Moss range. On the way there I could feel her hand tighten in mine, she was positively bursting with excitement at the prospect of spending time with somebody who might have money in a clothes shop. Personally I thought the Kate Moss range was disappointing, but I’m not the target market, she thought it was great. She texted her friend “its lyk a dreem cum tru x”. How sad is that. Bought her new school dress, but have to take it back – didn’t ask her to put her arms up and when she does it comes up to her belly button. Bad design. Or my daughter has unfeasibly long arms and a short body.
Six year old
It took ages to remove the indelible ink drawings from my babysitter’s extremities and even longer to remove all the tattoos from his face and arms before he went to school the next morning. I then had to explain to his teacher why he had red arms and face and why he had plasters on his nipples (unrelated issue involving him thinking that his nipples were in fact verucca’s and that he needed to scrub them off with a pumistone before he would be allowed to go swimming).
He lost his first tooth this week. He went to school with the tiniest hint of a wobble and came back with a gap. Having carefully wrapped it in tissue paper, he promptly lost it and the teacher thought she must have thrown it away. Major trauma ensued, involving a vast amount of discussion about how the Tooth Fairy would deal with the problem. Unfortunately, he could not be persuaded to settle for the money, it wasn’t money he wanted, it was his tooth. Which explained why, at 4am in the morning, having forgotten to do anything about it before I went to bed, I was blearily having to write a teeny weeny letter from the Tooth Fairy and attempting to find an old tooth from one of my other children’s mouths that looked vaguely like his. He was amazed. It was a miracle. I think I got away with it, even if it did split in two the minute he dropped it – he’s not to know that’s what happens to prehistoric teeth.
Have to take back his new school uniform too. Grey shorts aged 12 do not fit him around the waist. Consequently I spent a lot of time working out how to get him to lose weight without psychologically damaging him. Not easy when the other two children spend the whole time telling him he’s fat.
Cat
Our cat got hit by a car this week and is now in a cage looking more like a chicken. One child screamed and ran away and her friend asked me if the cat was having chemotherapy owing to baldness. By the time she’d come back home from surgery, I was feeling bad for wishing that the car had actually killed her. The initial quote for an operation to repair a ligament was £2500.00 – I really wanted to ask how much it would cost to put her down, but they don’t let you ask that question, they send you off to the RSPCA to sit in an unbelievably scary waiting room for three hours.
Ex-husband
I am finding it extremely difficult to work out the best approach to getting on better with him. He is still very angry and consequently conversations generally don’t go terribly well. Because he was away for 10 days, I sent him an email asking him if he would like to see the children on his return, even though it was my weekend and making suggestions regarding dates. But, apparently he will not answer anything I send him via email. He does not want to communicate via email and sent me a text instead saying: “If you want to discuss arrangements with the children please have the courtesy to pick up the telephone”
House Hunting
Have found a house I quite like. It ticks most of the boxes. I spent 10 minutes looking around it and then made an offer the next day that was accepted by the same afternoon! How come deciding to spend huge, stupidly ridiculous monopoly type money on a house takes less time than deciding on whether to buy a pair of shoes from Primark?. As a result of the thought of spending so much money on a house I’m not 100% in love with, I am getting hot sweats. Especially as when I went back the next time with the children I noticed it had an electrical sub-station actually in the garden, which I’m sure is not normal. I need a man to help me buy a house, girls don’t know about things like electrical sub-stations.
Lawyers
Suddenly I seem to have three lawyers. This is obviously nothing to be remotely proud of. It means that I am a complete mess. I have had to speak to all of them this week. Firstly my divorce lawyer phoned to hassle me about the Decree Absolute. Think she wants to close the file. I don’t blame her. I ought to want to close the file too. It is not easy though.
Then I had to speak to a Conveyencing lawyer (what is that and how do you spell it?) about helping me buy a house.
Then I had a letter from my father’s lawyer, post our meeting, telling me that I MUST immediately change my will, my guardian’s, etc.
At least I haven’t got a criminal lawyer (yet).
Mortgages
Have spoken now to far too many people in an attempt to get the best rate. Am now confused and depressed.
Landlord
The kitchen roof is leaking and the sink in the bathroom is blocked. The good thing about renting is that you don’t have to pay to sort it out or even care very much. The bad thing is that if your landlord has a Homecare agreement with a major Gas company you have to stay in a lot – days at a time, to have everything repaired.
Work
Lots of work this week which takes up a lot of time. Was kneeling behind somebody’s bottom this week, helping them get into a particular position and they farted in my face.
Sex
Unfortunately didn’t make it into the list of Top 10 things that are keeping me far too busy. Nothing happening whatsoever. Hopeless.
