This bloody dating again in your 40’s is a MINEFIELD. LOADS to worry about and “to text or not to text” is just yet another one of those things we don’t really know how to cope with. We didn’t get to do it first time around. Texting didn’t exist. I can’t even say the word correctly – I say “texted” much to my children’s amusement as in “my friend texted me”. WRONG apparently. Supposed to say “my friend text me”, which sounds totally wrong to me.
Anyway, I have a friend who has asked for advice on the dilemma – she needs to know whether to put a kiss at the end of a text or a full stop – I can’t really advise. I put an ‘x’ at the end of my text to virtually everyone – she has sent me the following email:-
“I met up with my gorgeous friend this weekend who is also separated. My friend asked me for my advice. She had met a 40 something guy on a dating site and they had arranged to meet at a local pub. She said they had enjoyed a lovely evening together (he had his own teeth, some hair, could speak quite eloquently, was quite interested in what she had to say and even had some evidence of a GSOH) – wow! Mr perfect then?? The evening had gone so well that they forgot the time, and were the last to leave the pub whilst they stacked chairs and tables around them. They laughed, shared some wine, and generally seemed to have a lot in common. She text him the following day to say how much she had enjoyed meeting him ….. and then waited 10 hours for his reply. It was a nice text, ‘how are you doing’ ‘was good meeting you too’ but no mention of another date. ‘Mmm’, I said, ‘maybe he was being polite, a nice guy, but maybe he’s just not that into you’? ‘But he put a kiss on the end’ she said. She text straight back (no game playing with my friend) and again a 14 hour delayed response (yes she timed it) with no reference to a barbeque she mentioned he’d be welcome at. ‘Perhaps he doesn’t want to take it any further’ I suggested?’ – ‘but he put a kiss on the end again, look two of them’ She said again. A further glass of wine each was consumed and still this debate about the significance of a kiss on a text. ‘But I put x’s on text’s to everyone’ I told her, even embarrassingly to my accountant the other day (oops!) as the x’s on the end of a text are mere full stops to me these days – but the significance to my friend seemed huge. My thoughts are that if people are truly interested, at this – let’s say, more grown up age of dating, surely they will just pick up the phone and call? Respond quickly? Or is there a possibility that this guy may have been genuinely busy visiting all things cultural, pursuing extreme sports, Italian cookery, contemplating world peace, watching Chelsea? Therefore just not having the time or inclination to text back quickly or to attend a barbeque of date?? I have had many a text exchange with my teenage daughter and I understand that this is the chosen communication of the young (even to the point where contacting her friends on Facebook seems to count as ‘talking to them’) But I feel I am unqualified to assist my friend with the answers. The last time I dated someone I would skulk round the house yelling at my mother and sister to ‘KEEP OFF THE PHONE I AM WAITING FOR A CALL’ come to think of it, I think it wasn’t even a push button model, so that must be centuries ago, but this is a modern minefield of dating/texting/emailing/ twittering/face booking etiquette. Please help? I am completely unsure as to what one is to do??”
Does anybody out there have any advice? My view would be “DON”T PLAY GAMES”. Don’t get drawn into them. Don’t waste your time worrying. If they don’t respond fairly soon, then they’re not interested. End of. Or is that a bit of a harsh blokey sort of view. Do men/boys really think about texting? Surely they’re just busy watching sport or eating and text when they remember. Although if they’re keen, texting back straight should take priority over everything else. OH I DON”T KNOW THE ANSWER.
cad with a heart
May 11, 2010I’m not sure you will want to hear this …. but here goes;
I would say he’s not interested. The kiss or no kiss is not relevant, it depends probably if you are a hard core ‘texter’ or not …. Us guys are not planets away from where you girls are (give or take a few) if we want to see someone again, we’ll ask .. simple. To me it sounds like they had fun, but on his part no real connection … and never underestimate the thrill of the chase, we like it! If it were me, I’d maybe be put off with a quick text and an invite to a barbeque – sorry, there you have it, kisses full stops – irrelevant. It boils down to whether there was chemistry, that illusive ingredient that either makes it amazing, or just not worth a quick response, Chelsea or no Chelsea! Tell your friend not to give up, there are many frogs, and many princess’s, it can be fun splashing about in the pool.
Family Affairs
May 11, 2010Harsh but fair I think Lx
lemonade lyrics gucci
May 11, 2010I found this post while surfing the net music lyrics. Thanks for sharing will come back regularly.
Lynda
May 12, 2010I have no actual experience of this but a son’s 24 year old was smitten with someone and every time she texted ( I think this is the “right” version too) he answered straight away but she didn’t, she cancelled outings at the drop of a hat and seemed very laid back about it all. We advised him to become more “unavailable” and not return texts straight away and so on. Result! She suddenly became much keener and they have been an official item for over a year. I have to say we were relieved when it all came good. If it didn’t we were going to scarper as far from him as we could.
I also have to say after owning a mobile for about 6 years my husband still can’t text properly. He has to get someone else to do it or it is short and sharp and often doesn’t make sense.Predictive text is unknown to him and he keys in every letter.Kisses would add an extra 12 hours to the time it takes to text back. The boys and I were thinking of showing him but it amuses us too much watching him struggle and give up and ring instead.
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010I love watching old people trying to text – hilarious. Although that’s what my kids think I’m doing Lx
percentage of failed engagements
May 12, 2010The Zune concentrates on being a Portable Media Player. Not a web browser. Not a game machine. Maybe in the future it’ll do even better in those areas, but for now it’s a fantastic way to organize and listen to your music and videos, and is without peer in that regard. The iPod’s strengths are its web browsing and apps. If those sound more compelling, perhaps it is your best choice.
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Thanks but no idea what you are talking about Lx
janelle
May 12, 2010hmmmm. i sometimes send x to my syce. x j
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010What’s a syce? I have been known to send kisses to my children’s teachers. Lx
louise
May 12, 2010Think it’s a minefield in your 40’s? Try it in your 50’s?! Have to agree with Cad that obviously it was just a good night out for the chap and as far as he was concerned there was no chemistry. I would think frantic texts with or without kisses doesn’t change that. When I signed up on an internet dating site (which is quite annoying as being old I hate all this shorthand like GSOH which I had to google!) I personally decided I wanted a divorced man … bear with me!
At 50++ I didn’t want to get involved with someone that was going through messy divorce procedures (been there), I didn’t want a man who had just lost his wife after 40 years of marital bliss and needed a shoulder to cry on and single men of 60 – something odd there. I cyber kissed a lot of frogs before meeting the New Husband – as we lived 1000km apart it started with emails where you can discover a certain amount about someone, then progressed to phone calls where we learnt more and eventually we met up – and the rest as they say is history …
Maybe this chap was just having a bit of fun – these internet sites are full of men and women fishing around to see what is available and it’s fun to have an evening out with a woman who has dressed up, sharpened her wits, is amusing and funny rather than boring old wifey at home.
Cynical, moi?
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Good for you though successfully finding a cyber husband. Lx
Mud
May 12, 2010Afraid I agree with the cad. “He’s just not that into you” is a horrid message, but better than being played as a game.
Now – where’s the next frog?
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Really? Not just distracted? Lx
Eclipse
May 12, 2010Don’t be put off by long delays and don’t read too much into them. Some blokes I know won’t txt back for a day, if it at all and some just don’t think that it is necessary to reply every time. Some people leave their phones in their car, some people have such quiet “beeps” that they don’t notice the txt for several hrs (the reason why bf forgot to pick me up yesterday), some people leave theirs on silent by accident and then wonder why no-one has phoned them and then find a few txts and missed calls, some people maybe in the middle of smthg when you text and then forget to reply. You get the gist. As for kisses, some people who have known me for 5 mins will put kisses on the end of every txt and some people who you have been in love with for years and live with don’t. All I’m saying is, if she wants to see him again, invite him out directly or phone him, don’t waste energy with what ifs and “does he? doesn’t he?” worries
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010That’s what I thought….think it depends entirely on the person Lx
Jellybean
May 12, 2010Through bitter experience I really think it’s never a good idea after a date, drinks, whatever to be the first to call/text. Regardless of equal rights etc I agree with cad, men do like to do the chasing and seem to be scared off by a woman being too keen!If they don’t get in touch it just wasn’t meant to be, hard I know… Get back on the dating sites and continue fishing or failing that move to Alaska where I’ve heard the men out number the women there by something like 4-1!
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Yes I agree. I have been burnt by looking too keen. Let me know when you’re going to Alaska – I’ll come with you Lx
Female Skier
May 12, 2010I agree with you L, it is a minefield, perhaps at any age! I must admit at times, I feel strange anticipation when i hear the little beep and open up the message wondering who it will be and what it will say. However it can also be annoying when you are busy and your phone is going mad and you have to make sure its not various children needing emergency taxi services. My funniest experience of text’s was when I woke one morning to 19 messages – all blank – and all from you! You’d obviously sat on your phone, I can’t put into words my disappointment!!! Must change my name to something beginning with Z and not A!
Love the post and the diversity of comments! More please! x
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Thanks FS – yes I remember that incident AND your disappointment. Lx
CJ
May 12, 2010I’d definitely take the blokeish point of view. If no text after 10 hours then bugger ’em. If they can’t be bothered to send a quick text then they’re hardly gonna be bothered to do much else are they!!
I’m so glad I’m not dating. And I think “texted” sounds right. In fact, I would say it is the correct way to speak!
CJ xx
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010CJ trust me you are very lucky not to be dating. It’s hideous. Lx
Gumpher
May 12, 2010I realise that texting is now the chosen method of communication for the younger generation, and I rarely text, if I want to communicate with someone I ring them.
But that’s from a non dating point of view. If I had to get involved in that minefield again at the age of 42, I think I’d turn celibate anyway.
Family Affairs
May 12, 2010Celibate is definitely the easiest option. Lx
fab feisty and fifty
May 12, 2010well lu, l’m not much help sorry…as the thought of dating, (let alone anything else with a new man, even an old man) makes me want to vomit, really!! thats 35 years with one man eh?
heck..l’m taking out shares in that ‘ladies’ accoutrements firm…
saz x
fab feisty and fifty
May 12, 2010should we get that dvd out ‘he’s just not that into you?’
Burton Gaby
May 21, 2010I searched for this site on Google and just wanted to take some time to say thank you for the good dating advice you have posted on this article.