I have had the most unexpectedly lovely weekend. It is always unbelievably difficult to cope, in the aftermath of divorce or separation, with your children going to the other parent and with the deafening silence that replaces them. However, over time you learn how to deal with it, prepare for it, dare I say it, even look forward to it and with any luck at some point you meet somebody else in the same situation and you find yourself with unexpected adult time. It is something that lots of my married friends have commented on from the beginning of my separation from my ex husband – “you’re so lucky to be able to have all that free time” and you nod, but in your heart you know just how painful the journey has been to let them go so much earlier than you ever anticipated.
My kids were picked up by their father on Friday night and I was filled with a curious mixture of misery and elation. Odd. Builder Bloke and I had dinner together on Friday night on our own – and it was great, because we are finally learning to let go of all the complications surrounding our situation. Also, the “every other weekend” thing has changed for us as the kids get older and because my ex has moved further away. I went to watch my son play rugby yesterday (with a female referee wearing very short shorts) and then he stayed with me on Saturday night because he had a party to go to.
I went to a fantastic party last night – an old friend’s 50th birthday party. Held in a pub – they had a live band and lots of lovely friends and their children were there and it was just a lovely atmosphere and for the first time in a very long time I felt as if all our problems had dissipated – we were with a different group of people who don’t really know either side of our stories and so we were just another couple out together, having fun.
Paul Rankin, the celebrity chef is an old flatmate of my friend, so he arrived in time to make a speech:-
He brought his old mate Ainsley Harriott, one of Britain’s best known TV chefs with him and his wife.
Here they are getting on down:-
and here is a picture of Builder Bloke and Ainsley immediately bonding over Arsenal, You don’t see smiles much bigger than that very often:-
Ms P
October 3, 2010It is so nice to know that there is future ahead of all this mess. My kids were picked up at 5pm yesterday and I collected them at 2pm today (aged 4 & 2), so not too long away from me. It is so hard to see the kids being upset at having to leave me and then be upset when they have to leave their dad. I never wanted any of this and feel it is so unfair that the kids are having to deal with this new world.
My solicitors letters are being sent tomorrow about divorce, access and money. My husband doesn’t even know that I have been to a solicitor, so it will be a big shock for him, I think. I don’t know him anymore so not looking forward to his reaction. I have come to terms with the fact that I have been so upset for so long at losing the man I loved with all my heart and who I thought cherished me. I now realise that he either wasn’t who I thought he was or he has changed. Time to move on and get back on with my life for the sake of everyone. Enough ostriching !!!
Thank you so much for your blog – I appreciate your honesty and the realness that you bring to these really crappy situations.
x
Family Affairs
October 3, 2010Good for you. I remember my first visit to a solicitor and my husband didn’t know either. I felt incredibly deceitful even though he was the one who had been having an affair!! He will no doubt react badly, but stand your ground. You deserve your fair share and like you say the poor kids didn’t ask for any of this. Just so hard. Thanks for your kind words! Lx
Karin
October 4, 2010To Ms P: Just wanted to share that my kids, too, were 4 and 2 when I started my separated life two-plus years ago. Now 7 and almost 5, I think they have adapted beautifully to the challenges of two homes – and my life is soooo much easier now that they don’t need constant monitoring, diaper changes, etc. I know that they still wish that their dad and I lived together with them, and they’ll still ask now and then why we don’t (always feels like a sucker punch), but I really believe they’ve settled into the new reality.
“To let them go so much earlier than you ever anticipated” – brought tears to my eyes. The separations are still confusing and hard – that mix of elation and utter sorrow. I’ve been spending time with a recently widowed friend, who has kids aged 2 and 6, and pondering the similarities and differences in our situations. Mine is so much easier in so many ways – but I have to (get to?) let my kids go, and she doesn’t.
Family Affairs
October 4, 2010Thanks Karin for your comment – and to ms P who is so clearly hurting so v much….all so hard. But we do all get through it. Somehow. Lx
kelloggsville
October 3, 2010what a fantastic photo! geniune smiles. love a good knees up, good for you xxx (I know exactly what ou mean about the deafening silence when daughter is at her dads – I hate it)
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October 4, 2010Crikey!….lots of pointy finger dancin’….there’ll be none of that at my 50th! Great pic of BB…does he know you’ve posted it?……
x
Family Affairs
October 4, 2010Yes, he gave his permission – although having never read my blog he has no idea what he has given his permission for!! You will so get pointy finger dancing from me at your 50th Lx
Dulwich divorcee
October 4, 2010Loving the pointy finger dancing! Such an accurate and heart-rending description of those no-child weekends. I don’t think anyone understands unless they’ve had them. But looks like you had a fab time. I met Paul Rankin at a do recently and he was lovely x
Family Affairs
October 4, 2010Did you? He said he’d done something recently with bloggers – which one was that? Lx
Dulwich divorcee
October 6, 2010It was the tomato ketchup do – he is the new face of ketchup, poor dear. Mind you if anyone can make it look like a good idea to add ketchup to cakes, it’s probably him!
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Is he? Cool. He mentioned a possible Heinz event coming up – maybe see you there?? Lx
Ms P
October 5, 2010Well tonight sparks another episode of more heartache and drama. He received my solicitors letters and called me straight away asking if they were a joke. No mention of sorry it has come to this, lets be friends, but more “how on earth do you expect me to be able to pay this …. you are still being a victim nearly a year on …. you said you would never ask me for money … the kids will have to see me with the nanny and I every weekend now …. I might as well take a paycut or give up my job…….”.
I suppose I should have expected all of this, but it has crumbled me again, I don’t really want his money or really to have anything to do with him as I want to move on and he keeps dragging me back. I have only ever been fair & honest, letting him see the kids as and when it is convenient for him, never paid any money towards them and I text him everyday about how they are and a call at bedtime every night. Why is this sooo difficult.
I feel I am in the wrong for asking for money and going down this route, does everyone feel this uneasy about starting these proceedings ….
x
Family Affairs
October 5, 2010This is very typical and a nightmare. Were you married? How long for? Even if you weren’t you have two kids and a shared life together that he chose to leave. You are entitled to your share. It’s difficult to advise without all the facts, but my ex said the same about leaving his job and my solicitor said “don’t worry they all say that…..”. If you really don’t need his money or any support then I would think seriously about taking it because it is still a nightmare for me – he gives me quite a lot of his money and he hates it. I would MUCH rather have my own money and one day I will…..but it’s not easy when you’ve got three kids to look after. One day….but in the meantime, you;ve got to look at it a different way. If you are at home with the kids having left a job then it’s your money too….that’s what I think anyway – not everybody agrees Lx
Lx
Ms P
October 6, 2010Hi L
we were together 13 years and married for nearly 8 years (7 year itch affair that is still continuing). I am currently living off the money we made on our house that we sold. I took 70% of the equity but it won’t last forever and without a decent deposit I’m going to struggle to buy a house (currently living in rented).
I am going to need some money. I would rather not ask him for it but also a bit sick that he drives a £40k car, goes shopping for clothes every weekend and spends a lot of time / money socialising. He has said he won’t see the kids go without but doesn’t want to pay the sum of money my solicitor advises. He knows if has them more then he pays less but I don’t want him to have them more. I already wish I hadn’t started this !!!!
X
Family Affairs
October 6, 2010Well if you were married and sacrificed your job for a while to bring up kids then it’s reasonable that he pay you some maintenance…..I know it’s hard and he’s expecting you to roll over but why should you? You’ve had a bum deal……check out Saz’s comment on my latest blog post – says it all really Lx