“A former wife is for life, not just for Christmas” says an article in the paper today. Suggesting that there are always three in the marriage and that you can just never get rid of the bloody ex wife.
I hadn’t really thought about it that way. About how Builder Bloke’s ex wife perceives me. Must be really annoying for her that he has to spend more of his hard earned cash on me and his children every month than he does on her and her children.
“Latest figures from the Office for National Statistics show that of the 232,990 marriages that took place in England and Wales in 2008, 85,860 were second marriages in which one or both partners had been married before, representing 37 per cent of the total. Government figures show that one in ten of us lives as part of a step-family. Behind these figures lurk secondary, less quantifiable relationships. No official statistics exist for the numbers of people locked into an enduring and unasked-for relationship with their partner’s ex, and yet for many it is one of the most defining (and often frustrating) of their lives”.
Linda Mellor, founder of the British Second Wives Club (BSWC), which was set up five years ago and has about 2,800 members, says that relationships between new and former partners tend to be fraught. “Even if the two women rarely meet, there’s a permanent dynamic between them and in our experience it often tends to be marked by bad behaviour on the part of the ex towards the new partner. She believes much of the rancour is down to jealousy or possessiveness. “When a new woman comes along, it’s a confirmation that the marriage is over and has failed. Many women find that hard to take. So they might use their children or financial demands as ways of getting back at him and his partner.”
It’s certainly true that my ex remarrying was a confirmation that our marriage was well and truly over. I found it very hard to deal with. The permanent dynamic is even more strange in our case because we are in the unusual situation of being in an embarrassing “wife swap”.
Oh well. Can’t be helped. In most cases it is an unasked for situation, but given that she chose to pursue him, it’s her choice. It does make the financial situation far more stressful though – must be a nightmare for my ex. It doesn’t work the other way round either – BB doesn’t have to pay her very much and I’m not married to him. Which must be even MORE annoying.
Oh well. Again.
louise
November 30, 2010I am always amazed that by marrying/living with someone who is divorced the new partner thinks that the love of their life is totally without a past/skeletons/children/ex wife/husband. Especially when we get to a certain age! I am myself Mrs Perfect Ex Wife – he left/I paid his half of the divorce/the house/gave him all the furniture he wanted – you name it, I did it. And he didn’t pay one cent towards the children. Despite all this, his Ugly One hated me and my children with a vengeance and once told my children when they were staying and there was a plane crash somewhere in the world and I was away, that it was a shame their mother wasn’t on the flight! Charming, n’est ce pas?! My poor old ex dropped dead of a heart attack two years ago at the age of 57 and she has been kicking herself ever since that she wasn’t nicer to people who were in fact members of her extended family.
Family Affairs
November 30, 2010Oh. Well you reap what you sow and all that……Lx
kelloggsville
November 30, 2010I think Louise has a really interesting point, the ex is a bit like extended family. It’s the Aunt you would really prefer not to have to visit at Christmas but sometimes ou just have to be nice!
kelloggsville
November 30, 2010maybe it depends on how self-secure the ex is to begin with and how wronged she feels as to how she is going to feel. I would like my ex to settle down with someone permanent but not the women he was with when we split up. But why not? I’ve never met her, she might be the nicest woman in the world, the best match for him…but I still feel some animosity towards her (and I left him, not the other way around). I’m not jealous. I don’t want to be with my ex. I am really happy. So why do I not like her?! It must be a territory thing! It is very hard. I’m glad you are self-secure and the one on top x
Expat Mum
November 30, 2010Ironic given the crap she sends your way I think. Still, as you say, she persued him and knew what she was getting herself into, and presumably, the mess it would create for everyone else. If I ever meet her, I hope I’m not driving a car or holding a drink.
karen
December 1, 2010I’m always interested in the extended family topic, having had an ex wife in my life for about 15 years (she was the one who originally left the marriage, taking the kids along). It’s been a bit of a rollercosater ride over the years from toddlers to teenagers, although it’s got very much easier since the boys left school,and we now deal direct with univiersities, and the young men themselves. I have always tried really hard to have a goood relationship with their mom, and at one point she and I were quite good friends, (which the kids really loved) although we are no longer really in touch – just the way things have worked out, and I must say I am finding it quite a bit easier wihthot the intensity of that particular relationship!Interesting looking back, on how things have evolved in the role as stepmom…
Family Affairs
December 1, 2010That is very impressive x
MBNAD woman
December 1, 2010My ex and I have never remarried so I don’t know how I would feel. When he did have a relationship that looked like it was going places, I met his new lady at a family funeral and it was ok. Sadly, for him it didn’t work out. I met someone where the ex was a complete nutter and announced that she would “do” me and then “top herself”, making sure their child went to her family and he would never see the child again. Well, she did attack me but failed to deliver on her side. Needless to say, the relationship ended pretty promptly! Money must make a difference, I think. On balance, life with a collie suits me!
Family Affairs
December 1, 2010BLOODY HELL. That all sounds a little dramatic!! Lx
MBNAD woman
December 1, 2010It was. I’ve since referred to her as Mrs Rochester 😉
I hope that I could behave with dignity if my ex acquired a serious partner. I think I managed ok before (and it wasn’t my fault that they split up, honest). It must be different when you have younger children and especially so if there are children from the new marriage. My children were grown up when we parted so it’s a completely different experience. However, we have managed to stay good friends and support each other in emergencies and family crises. When his father died, the family contacted me and asked me to break the news etc. I can’t imagine a new wife being keen on that.
The “not just for Christmas” thing made me smile though … my ex always joins us for Christmas and, since it’s halfway up a mountain in Wales, he stays for a couple of days. When he leaves, my understanding of why we are divorced is reinforced!
Mad x
Family Affairs
December 1, 2010Well, that’s a good sign then if after a few days you want him to leave! Lx
saz
December 1, 2010very interesting…and mine is already over as lve found out about the ‘mistress’ which is afar to posh word for what she is an dhas been..which makes it the mor epainful..that he chose her and left me for such a person…
it is so over now…my daughter in hospital, an op under a general and he deigned to text me 18 hours later, two moments after l read her wall update stating she wa sin hospital on a drip and oxygen…all this weekend…Lu it is so OVER…..no doubt what so ever and l feel quite liberated..
so when is the last straw, the last straw…??
love your blog as always..
you maze me how you punt onward!
saz x
Family Affairs
December 1, 2010DARLING!! What a nightmare – A MISTRESS??? All along??? That explains completely everything. SO SORRY about your daughter – have you been to see her? At least you can get closure now. What an arsehole Lx