Finally, it’s the last day of summer holidays with my daughter going back tomorrow. Consequently she insisted on a final day of “bonding” with her mother, which really meant using all her powers of persuasion to exploit me to the maximum….new fountain pen and all. Bloody bored of stationary now.
I’m sorry they’re all going back. Not because I’m going to miss them, but because I have to get up early. This summer (when they have been around), it has all worked quite well – mainly because my older two children are now entirely capable of entertaining themselves. My third and last child suffers a bit with my lack of full on interest, but surely that is what makes third and/or last children so special? They have to be creative and imaginative and independent simply because their parents can no longer be arsed to amuse them.
The great thing is that I don’t even have to feel guilty about it anymore because there is a new parenting book out called “Can We Give Them Back Now?” which has coined the term “benign neglect”. It suggests that we redress the balance of family life, where we attempt to meet our children’s needs, but don’t pander to their every whim. It’s about being around but not actually available at all times.
I don’t really have a major problem with this approach to parenting. It’s how I grew up. My parents magnificently honed the art of “benign neglect”. Choosing instead to drink coffee and/or alcohol and read papers and books and talk to friends and generally have a fun-filled child-free time, even when the kids were about. They used to forget we existed for entire days. Even weeks and months. In fact we were lucky to be found alive after several occasions of being locked in the back of the car with a packet of crisps and a sleeping bag. The same applied when we went anywhere near water. Our parents would feed us a packet of crisps and then tell us that we had to stay out of the water for the next three hours in case we got cramp and drowned. I can hardly believe they got away with it.
The principle behind the approach and the resulting benefits seem entirely obvious to me. Parents become less stressed and resentful and children become more independent. My one criticism is the title. I don’t like it. What’s wrong with “f*ck off, I’m busy?”
Or maybe that’s a bit too harsh.
Frankofile
September 7, 2009BETTER DROWNED THAN DUFFERS IF NOT DUFFERS WON'T DROWN (Swallows and Amazons, 1930)
'm'
September 7, 2009L – pleased to see you are back to your old acerbic self. Truly saddened though, (just catching up on FA)to read of the 'rents ailments…you know I have a lot of sympathy with you on that front. I do hope and pray your Pa makes a good recovery and that your Ma's op. will bring her relief from pain. As an old friend in the village (she was 93 at the time) said to me only last summer…"it is a bugger getting old".
Thinking of you
X
Janelle
September 7, 2009completely in agreement. that's how we were brought up too. all this blah and quality time and shit…all a load of my eye and betty martin i reckon. x j
Fat, frumpy and fifty...
September 7, 2009great post!! This would be great copied over to MAD manic Mamas…if you would like!!!
Nicola
September 7, 2009My dad gave me the same advice this summer. Stop being so involved with the boys. Stop talking to them so much, praising them so much, trying to please them so much. Just let them get on with it and don't let my coffee go cold (or words to that effect). 'You don't have to try so hard, Nic' he said. 'They will still love you anyway. You're their mum. That's how it works.' I remember my parents perpetually ignoring me when I was a kid – Get Out From Under My Feet! was my mum's fav expression. As well as, Oh Just Go and Find Some Traffic To Play With, Why Don't You?.
I don't want to go to their extreme – but also do think that I have sometimes gone to far the other way.
Great post. And I much prefer F*ck Off I'm Busy.
Muddling Along Mummy
September 7, 2009I prefer benevolent neglect … but is the same thing – have been doing this with Toddlergirl since early days when I'd leave her to play on her mat whilst I got on with the important things like surfing the web … as a result she's able to amuse herself which is a HUGE bonus – we get to actually talk to other adults and enjoy ourselves whilst out
High maintenance parenting is so nineties …
Di Foden
September 7, 2009Oh God, I think I was a benign neglector. Well, I was doing it alone and I did need some time to myself for my own sanity. The kids seem to have survived pretty much unscathed; quite well, actually.
Shiny
September 8, 2009Harsh? I think not. Catchy, more like x
Miranda
September 8, 2009hear hear. or is it here here??!
geez when I think of the things we did as kids its a wonder we're alive…but what fine adults we have become!!
MBNAD woman
September 8, 2009My mother was older and menopausal (or maybe just moany) by the time I was about 8 or 9. In the long school holidays, I would be shooed out of the house after breakfast and just expected to show up for meals and bed. There was always a lull in the summer where everyone else was away and I had no-one to play with. At some point, I'd mumble "I'm bored". In a flash she would produce an old blue and white jug with no handle and would glare at me, "Don't tell me you're bored, young lady. Go out and don't come back till you've filled this up with blackberries". So off I'd go with the dog. That jug was bloody enormous and we don't really get our proper crop of blackberries in Wales till early September. It took hours and hours. Obviously, just her version of sod off.
Great post. They don't need constant input or even constant structured activity.
Mud in the City
September 8, 2009Totally with you and MUCH better preparation for Real Life. Just how wingey and miserable are high maintenance children going to be as adults??!
Expat mum
September 8, 2009Totally agree, except that when you have two near the same age, and then a big gap between them and the third (like you), they just roam around the house pissing off the older two and watching inappropriate things on TV.
I've been practising BN for years, in fact my parenting motto was "If you ignore them for long enough they will entertain themselves". However when they don't have anyone else to play with it makes me feel a bit guilty. But don't suggest having another small child over – that's even worse!
Dumdad
September 8, 2009Somehow most of us have become the anxious parent, afraid to let their kids run free occasionally; myself included. I lived in Leeds until I was 10 and I used to roam the city streets on my bike and go to Wolf Cubs on my own, returning after nightfall along the grimy and dark streets.
Crikey, we bought fireworks when we were 7 or 8 and let them off any old how.
I love the title!
Georgia Bonham
March 5, 2013I agree with absolutely everything you say! It is just like the Slow Parenting approach. My feeling is that if it doesn’t feel right and requires too much effort and money then it probably isn’t!