My youngest son had a spectacular melt down on Monday morning before school. I’ve been thinking about what that can have been about and I have come to the conclusion that “we fuck them up” as parents at the best of times, but when their parents are divorced or separated and they are living in separate houses it is even worse. Regardless of all the personal issues all six children involved in our equation have to deal with, it is the very fact that they have to live in two separate houses that must be difficult for them all.
I gather, from speaking to friends who remember the scenario from their own childhood that the most difficult part is the transition from one parent to another – adapting from one to another. No doubt, once there all is well, they know what to expect and get on and enjoy it. They are in a different but familiar world. But, when those two worlds collide, albeit on doorsteps, it causes upset all round. Especially if you are dropped back like a small package and expected to get into school clothes, grab your stuff, turn around and get on with your day in the next five minutes.
Children need routine and familiarity and Sunday nights are an important time for school kids to get their heads in gear for the week ahead. Builder Bloke even acknowledges that his children should be back in the maternal home at a reasonable hour on Sunday evening so that they are calm and together for school.
So after what was no doubt a lovely weekend spent with his father and new family he ended up staying there at the last minute on Sunday night because of logistics and was then tired, emotional, not feeling 100% and discombobulated when he was dropped back on Monday morning. Seriously. It was not good. We need to avoid that in future at all costs.
Anybody else got any tips for how to make the transition as easy as possible?
Expat Mum
March 23, 2011So sorry to hear that. No – no tips from experience, but from all my divoreced friends, – they have pretty much all gone back to the kids living in just the one house and the other spouse picking up and dropping off from there. Sometimes it has taken them as many as three of four years to come to this arrangement, but many counsellors will say that the chldren need one place to live. Perhaps if they’ve now come to accept the (non) marital situation, and they know that it’s not going to be the same family, they will be more able to situate themselves (himself) in one place.
Kelloggville
March 23, 2011Routine and one of the places they stay at should be ‘home’. My daughter used to do 4 days on 4 days off. She never knew where she would be on a particular day. With the help of my health visitor I forced her dad to recognise it wasn’t about his fair share of time. It was about her mental well being. A fixed night arrangement was made and stuck to and she settled down in a way she never had before. But unless it is because I am unable to care for her for a special reason, school nights are always at my house. Routine. It works for them. Poor lad. We all melt down sometimes xxx
Family Affairs
March 23, 2011I agree. School nights should be in my home. It’s too hard for them otherwise unless as you say it’s exceptional for whatever reason.
Karin
March 23, 2011I’m in a 50-50 custody arrangement with my 5- and 7-year-old kids. They seem to handle it really well – it’s been 2-1/2 years now. We’re very consistent with a “5-5-2-2” schedule – basically, Dad’s house Mon and Tues, Mom’s house Wed and Thurs, and alternating weekends. It helps that ex and I live just a few blocks apart, in walking distance of school (and each other). It also, for the most part, eliminates the door-to-door transitions, since the switch happens during the school day. Except for Friday, when they have to ask whose weekend it is, they always know who will pick them up after school.
It broke my heart to accept the 50-50 split, but I know they need a meaningful relationship with Dad, and I know that the best way to preserve that – and insure Dad’s ongoing commitment to them – is to give equal time. We’ll obviously have to continue checking in on their well-being under the arrangement, though.
Would it make a difference for your son if he went straight to school from Dad’s house on Monday morning? Would have to plan that in advance, though.
Family Affairs
March 23, 2011Yes, that would have to be the answer if he stays on a Sunday in future – that he goes straight to school from there. Then no confusion Lx
Working Mum
March 23, 2011I don’t have any first hand experience of this, but I do teach pupils who find it difficult to live in two places, who never seem to know who they are staying with when, when they can do their homework or which house they’ve left their text books at. These are good kids who are well motivated but are genuinely disoriented by living in two different places. I have no answers except to make allowances for them. Heavens, I found it difficult to live in two places when I was at college and I was 22!
Family Affairs
March 23, 2011I agree – but from experience I know they milk this situation a little too knowing full well how teachers make allowances for them – which is entirely fair enough I think! Lx