I am feeling totally inadequate. I would like to be with my cousins in Canada. I would like to take my grandmother to her son’s funeral. I would like to be able to support my mother when she has to break the news to her mother today.
My father has written a very moving letter all about the finer features of my uncle.
My youngest brother knew him well as they shared a love of fishing and has been on the phone to them all and has written to them and sent a number of fantastic photos.
My other brother who is a Doctor has been an unbelievable support throughout his horribly aggressive myeloma by staying on top of what drugs he should be taking and when and has written a very moving letter to them all telling them that “You have lost a loved and important figure in your lives and must all be feeling very empty and sad” and that he “bore his burden with courage and dignity and the roller coaster ride you were all strapped into over the last year was exhausting from this side of the world so I can only imagine what it was like to be with him. His fight for life astounded me regularly and showed me once more that medicine is often more art than science. I wish it had had more to offer him though – there is a lot to learn yet about beating myeloma”.
He then went on to reassure them all that “after such a long struggle many relatives and carers can be relieved it is all over but then feel guilty for feeling that way. That is normal and if any of you are experiencing that I can promise you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I am certain no man, friend or patient has ever felt so supported or loved right up to his last breath. My utmost respect goes out to you all for your strength, your stamina and for putting all your own lives on hold for as long as was necessary. When the pain starts to fade I would hope you can all look back with some positive memories of the time you got to spend with my uncle in his last few months”.
I on the other hand have sent them a poem about a fish.
Don’t ask. I’m not sure an explanation will improve the situation at all.
I want to be an important doctor person and say all the right things.
Mud in the City
January 7, 2009Just by saying something you are reaching out so that they know you are there and offering support.
So many people say nothing because they can’t find the words – but I do believe that you are doing just the right thing, and I know they will value it.
x
Anonymous
January 7, 2009my sister is a doctor and is similarly eloquent in such situations. really though i would never want to do her job in exchange for gaining such eloquence. condolences to you and your whole family.
Expat mum
January 7, 2009My condolences. I lost an uncle just before Christmas and was the only one of my family not at the funeral (29th). My mother and the two other sisters are bereft as he was their baby brother. It must be awful to lose a sib no matter what age.
Fat, frumpy and fifty...
January 7, 2009perhaps the fish poem was a favourite or maybe its surreal? and he would have appreciated the message is..it’s from you and thats what counts…doing the right ..whatever it for YOU in these circumstances.
A few years ago a friend suddenly died, no warning just lay down and went….we believe she knew as she left some instructions to help her husband and some ££ with friends. She had tried to see me a few weeks before but l was tied up with small kids at the time…if only l had wrenched myself away, if I had known, perhaps she was going to tell me…
I went to her funeral in bright colours and wearing all the amber jewellery Larry had bought me with her help….it was incredibly sad and painful to watch her husband in his grief…and l did receive some scowls, but I ignored them as she would have roared with laughter and probably did…I think those left behind should get all the consideration to ease their grief….you too….take heart and go with yours…dont feel too bad about not being able to divide yourself into several different ways…they too are feeling their own pain to notice or judge..
FFF xxx ((hug))
Little Brown Book
January 7, 2009I’m so sorry for your loss. Your poem is a representation of how you feel and I am sure your cousins will feel comforted by that.
LBB xx
'm'
January 7, 2009Really saddened to read your last two posts – I can only guess at the feeling of ‘inadequacy’? of being so far away; all of my family are within a few hundred miles of each other.
The person who will feel this the most is your poor grandmother – there is something so outside the natural order about parents burying their children….it just is so not right on so many levels. As you might imagine – it is a subject I have dwelt upon in the recent past!
My thoughts are with you – and your lovely family. x
wife in the north
January 8, 2009Do you know what – a poem about a fish can be just what you need sometimes.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You can be there for you mother and your grandmother, or you could go over. Either way, that’s what families are about, supporting and loving in the best and the worst of times. Thinking of you.
Chimera
January 8, 2009I am so sorry and send much love. I am sure your poem will be just right, a true connection from you and all that you want to say but can’t.
Tanvi xx
Cold Spaghetti
January 8, 2009No doctor person could have said that they are hurting, that they want to be there to ease the pain of others, and that they are thankful for good memories of your Uncle better than you did in this post.
I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you aren’t able to be there, in person, to help your family. Your words here were remarkable in their honesty and beauty.
Brother no. 1
January 9, 2009But they were my words…..
family affairs
January 9, 2009Thank you everyone for your kind words and yes, Bro No.1 – I was a bit puzzled by Cold Spaghetti’s comments too – but nevermind…I’m happy to take full credit! Lx