My youngest and most sensitive child is 10 today. He’s had a lovely day. Got the stuff he wanted. His major request was that for his birthday meal he wanted just the five of us to all go out together – me, his dad and his brother and sister. We agreed. It is, after all, all about him and I thought that given all the emotion surrounding the wedding that it would be good for him to know he can still see the key people, without all the others.
It went OK I guess, after my first initial shock. My heart literally sank to the floor as my ex husband sat down. I immediately noticed his shiny new gold wedding ring. A stark reminder of his new status in life – but it wasn’t only that that caused my heart to stop but the fact that he wouldn’t wear one for me. He didn’t like it. Took it off within the first two weeks of our marriage and never wore it again and when we were trying to patch up our marriage he refused to wear it when I asked him to. So. I guess it was just a very hard slap in the face.
The meal went as well as could be expected. We managed to avoid all the hot topics, unbelievably. I think we only talked about what a lot of weather we have been having of late. Although his car got towed away whilst we were eating so it all got a bit stressy at the end.
My birthday boy was quiet when we got home though. Tired and flushed and slightly bright eyed and I just knew how he was feeling and as I sat with him and hugged him before he went to bed, big hot fat tears appeared.
He hates the fact we are no longer a family and birthdays just serve as an additional reminder of his loss and honestly, even after everything, as I held him close, if I could have turned back time at that moment, I would have – just to be able to stop him having to feel that pain. It makes me so very sad. Poor kids – children of divorced and separated families just have so much to deal with. It’s not fair.
I wonder if I made a mistake agreeing to be together as a family for the evening. Would it have been better for him if we’d been “cruel to be kind” and given him two birthdays instead – one with me and one with his dad? I’m just not sure. Neither scenario is ideal.
What a mess.
QldDeb
July 8, 2010There is no answer.
I had it when my kid cries and I can’t fix it.
Re the last post, PLEASE keep a diary of all of these things, print out the emails and text messages, log phone calls and refusals for access pick ups and the reasoning behind it.
It sounds petty, but it can make all the difference if this situation does end up in mediation or anything like that. It shows a history of harrassment and being unecessarily obstructive. Not putting the children’s welfare first, etc.
Oh, and I can’t put a link up for my blog, my home computer is not playing, I’m in the process of buying a new one. I’m thinking of a Mac, they’re the same price these days as the PC and seem to work much better. I’ll just HAVE to get the I Phone then too. Dear me.
Family Affairs
July 8, 2010Thanks Deb, I thought you might have a more conclusive view on what worked given you’ve been there yourself…..
Yes, I am keeping certain things – BB isn’t though which is a shame. He def should.
Get a mac, get a mac….
Lx
louise
July 8, 2010I think it is probably better to have two birthdays, especially in the beginning. Despite the changes that go on children always desperately hope their parents will get back together again. I saw this in the early days of my divorce – we’d all go for a meal together and my son who was about 10 at the time would look at us in a pleading way or otherwise with expectancy. Heatbreaking. So we stopped doing things as a ‘family’ until the pain died down and he was older. Then it was fine and my X used to spend Christmas with us (leaving his new partner with her family …!).
And of course emotions are running high at the moment what with the wedding and all, so perhaps it is time just to cool off a bit and give the children time to think and accept this new way of life, which they will do.
The positive side of all the mess that divorce creates is that these children are often kind and caring and more ‘grown up’ than their friends who still have their two parents together.
I was just remembering that I went to my father’s wedding to the wicked stepmother (I was about 12) and it was so awful – even now I remember how sad I was, especially when some old drunk came up to me, not knowing who I was, and said he was so pleased to see my father marrying the wicked stepmother as the last wife was awful. This was 40+ years ago and I can remember it as if it were yesterday … so your kids are pretty raw at the moment.
It is a mess, but it does get better eventually! Promise!
Family Affairs
July 8, 2010You’ve hit the nail on the head there Louise because my 14 year old daughter felt exactly the same and will take her misery to her grave I’m sure. She found the whole day unbelievably difficult – especially the speeches and the wiping out of her father’s previous 20 years! Somebody probably said that to her too – about the awful first wife!! Lx
auntiegwen
July 8, 2010When my marriage ended 4 years ago, my eldest daughter was 14, my son 11 and my youngest daughter nearly 10. Since then every birthday we have always gone out just the 5 of us. My ex husband never mentions his life with his new partner in front of me, we talk about the children, the extended family etc etc. We buy the children joint presents and we sign the birthday card from both of us, as we have always done.
This is very probably hard on new partners and has caused a few issues in my relationship (if it has with my ex, he’d never say anything) but it was something that the children thought was important.
I feel it’s a bit false, we look like the happy family we once were but we’ve moved on from that. But I suppose 3 meals out per year isn’t that big a deal for me, in the greater scheme of things.
I wonder how our family dynamic will change on my ex’s re marriage? xxxx
Family Affairs
July 8, 2010I’ve done the same…and yes, the almost hardest thing is the perception of how we look. Back to how it was with a really really big difference!! Well done though, personally I think that’s important, but it will be interesting to see what other people’s experience has been – I bet other’s will disagree Lx
Jon Storey
July 8, 2010As far as I am aware the children and their parents have never gone out together en-family since the separation and divorce, I think The Children’s Mother would find it too painful, though they seem to maintain a reasonable working relationship as far as the children are concerned.
Birthdays are celebrated separately but occasionally larger presents are shared, though I suspect that is for the Lawyer father’s convenience!
What is it about Lawyers?
I have mentioned before the children’s relationship with their Stepmother and Father and some of the difficulties therein, I have not touched on the real problems one of the girls had after the divorce, so I can sympathise with you children’s emotions. Eventually she came to terms with the separation and critically, came to accept that she was not to blame, (why do victims feel guilt or shame? jo,http://www.coffeeslut.net/ is a vital read). The good news is that she has grown into a wonderful, caring and intelligent young woman.
Family Affairs
July 8, 2010“Reasonable working relationship” would be best I think. All too much emotion at the moment owing to wedding etc. Hopefully now it will begin to calm down Lx
'm'
July 8, 2010Really sad to read this post….poor lad. Such a shame that they (the children) have to suffer like this, I do hope it all calms down asap. X
Family Affairs
July 8, 2010Thanks x
spiny marshmallows
July 8, 2010Sorry thats all so sad for you all. Sorry. Its awful seeing kids pain, but in the long run they get strong from this. They really do cope. I look back on my parents divorce and reaiise that for myself although I didnt at the time. Fucking shiny gold ring…what a prick. Its not 2 weeks yet though.
Karin
July 8, 2010It’s a shame the wedding was so close to his birthday. I think you did the right thing in honoring his request. Hard as it was for him, and all of you, you’ve showed that you could put him first at a time when he really needed that. The grieving will take time no matter what you do.
Family Affairs
July 9, 2010Yes, choice of wedding date could have been better Lx
janelle
July 8, 2010oh darlin’….made me cry. . . emailing you. x j
janelle
July 9, 2010oh and i have some friends here who are divorced with two boys (13 and 9). they took the elder one down to a posh boarding school in SA together…and the only thing he asked was please don’t tell anyone here that you’re divorced. not just yet at least….they come to speech days together. they come to all the school functions together. have to say i take my hat off to them. they are extremely civil and almost friends…although neither one of them has ended up with anyone else. she had someone for a while which was tricky. all the kids want is for them to be together again. terrifically hard and sad for my friend M….but everyone makes it through somehow darlin’. warm embraces. XXX
Family Affairs
July 9, 2010Good for them and yes, you get through it in the end Lx
English Mum
July 11, 2010No fantastic words of wisdom to add, but just sending big e-squeezes for you, my lovely friend. It’s so hard when your kids are upset xx
Glee
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