“Do you believe in love?” I was asked the other day (and not by a child) What a gigantic question that is. Or at least it feels that way at the moment. Not sure why. I guess because I’m not sure I know how to answer it. I used to believe in it. Now it somehow seems so much more complicated. Or so much more simple. One or the other. Or maybe both. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Perhaps I have lost faith in it somewhere along the line. Which is sad. I suppose.
Not sure what it really means to believe in love if I”m honest. A soulmate? A warm bed? A hug on demand? A cup of tea? A smile? Someone to wipe away your tears? To make you laugh? To love you back? To think you’re good enough to be in love with? But is there any point in it? Would you rather love and risk being hurt or not bother?
Aren’t some people born lovers and other people born lovees? That is to say (as I made that word up) that some people want to be loved and others want to love – givers and receivers – do you find your compatible partner or do you adapt to how they respond. Or in a healthy, secure, honest, loving relationship is it pretty much equal even if there are peaks and troughs?
I love my children unreservedly and so of course I believe in love for others – but surely love for your children is a different sort of love. Mother love. Unwavering. Passionate, die for them love. Scary sometimes. It can make your heart burst with joy or fear (or both) on a regular basis. Then of course there is other love – for a God if that’s your thing, or for animals, the planet, shoes….but presumably the question is referring (given who asked it – Ok it was a bloke thinking about whether he should commit or not – not to me obviously and he’s scared but if he’s scared then does that mean it’s not right because if he wasn’t scared he wouldn’t have to be asking me that question – or is that entirely normal to be scared?)
But love, love? For myself? Hmmm. Sometimes its top of my list of priorities. Other times it’s not. Will I ever want to settle down with someone again? Allow them in to my life and learn to trust again? Is there much point? Is that really sad to even be asking that question?
We all need different things at different times of our lives. Within each stage we are looking for a different type of partner – someone to play with and learn from, a father to your children, a sex god, a companion, an art gallery man, a lover, a friend, a leader, a follower, someone to save us, someone to release us….all these things at different times – depending on age, mostly. Can they really all be in one person? Forever? How hard is it to be with just one person and to successfully evolve and change and adapt to each others needs?
Is it any wonder many of us struggle to keep it all together?
I would like to hear that I’m wrong. That I’m just being a cynical bitter and twisted old divorcee. Go on. Tell me that I am and that there is nothing better than looking forward to seeing the person you love at the end of the day – but be gentle with me, I’m having a moment.
kelloggsville
July 10, 2012Putting children love aside. Relationship love just complicates life. It would be so much easier if it was acceptable to just sleep around alot, take random strangers on a holiday for company and have lots of random evenings out for a nice meal or a film. Then you go home to a house just as you left it and a clean bed without snoring man. Maybe I’m just a cynical bitter twisted second time round and nothing is differenter.
Family Affairs
July 10, 2012Thats what I thought you see? Think your first option sounds like a really good idea! Lx
SusannahS
July 10, 2012Heehee–sex god. I used to use that phrase all the time. Thank you for bringing it back!
I think it’s okay to have several definitions/degrees of love. FriendBoy and I are addicted to a certain type of potato chip, and it’s only available at a few sandwich shops in those little single serving bags. One day he brought me half a bag (obvs he had eaten the other half) and I realized *that* is love, sharing the world’s best chips. And I know it sounds silly (and cheapie–a coworker wondered why he didn’t just buy a separate bag) but that gesture meant more to me than a dozen roses, chocolates & champagne.
As long as whatever “love” you have makes you truly happy…
Family Affairs
July 11, 2012I agree – it’s what works for you – my friend decided she was in love with her partner when he moved her child’s bike out of the way. A gesture so small as far as he was concerned but something no one had done for her before so huge in her eyes. Lx
Expat Mum
July 11, 2012Whoa – doing my head in! You should write a PhD dissertation on that!
As you know, no one fills “all of the above”. With every relationship there are peaks and troughs, expectations that eventually fall short etc. No one could be the perfect partner all the time, and that’s fine.
I think the one thing your experience has given you is strength and independence. So as you go forward, and allow yourself to have a loving, trusting relationship again, you also have the security of knowing that you will forever be OK. (And one cool dame, if I may say so.)
I also tell any youngster who happens to ask my opinion, that love shouldn’t be mind-games. Say what you mean; don’t question too much and go with the gut sometimes.
Family Affairs
July 11, 2012Thanks hun and that is coming from someone who has successfully managed to weather the storms and keep it all together so well done you – and I am so with you on the mind games. Hate those. Lx