FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – WHAT’S THE NEXT ONE LIKE?

HANDLE WITH CARE

Well, having failed to persuade my book group to read “Fifty Shades Of Grey” en masse because it wasn’t “literary” enough (and instead have to read a boring book about an elegant hedgehog which won’t have any sex in), I decided that I had to see for myself what all the fuss was about.

Apparently sales in Ann Summers (presumably handcuffs mostly) have gone up 150% in the last 6 months which suggests that men are also benefiting from the best thing to counter global austerity since um, “The Story Of O”. What better way to spend a cheap night in than to have your wife/girlfriend be right up for replicating a rude scene from the book? It’s no wonder men are embracing it all round. It’s a win/win situation.

SO. My plan was to be brazen, like the 30 somethings that are reading it openly in public and buy the book from a bookshop. I marched in to Waterstones, head held high, casually pretended to look around, casually picked up the book feeling a little flushed, wandered about with it slightly less bravely wondering if I bought a history of the world book in addition I might get away with it and then started weaving my way to the check out desk. However, I noticed from 50 feet that it was being “manned” by two men, totally lost my nerve and weaved my way back from hence I came and out of the shop, “fifty shades of puce”.

Online was therefore the only way forward – like nearly everyone – a simple, slightly guilty download that nobody needed to know about. I sat in A & E (again) today with, admittedly a different child who had injured his foot and read it on my iPad. Slightly leaning to the left with a notebook poised to cover the words – which were a little too large and I didn’t know how to make them teeny weeny.

Anyway. What do I think of the book? I haven’t read it properly. To be honest I skimmed the pages to get to the rude bits, fleetingly noticing some of the key themes:-

Rolling of eyes
Biting of lip
Double crap/holy crap/holy fuck
Needing to eat
Inner goddess
Breathe
Nondisclosure agreement
Sit
Foil packs (she’s very hot on safe sex)
Clitoris
Splinter into a million pieces (orgasm description)
Room of Pleasure/Pain (depending on who was talking about it)

….and so on.

Actually, I think the author has done a spectacular job. It’s not easy to write about sex without making people laugh or feel sick. To prompt an elderly hairdresser I heard about recently to stop feeling “dormant” is a proper skill. Everyone I know is talking about the book and wondering why they hadn’t thought about writing it themselves. So good for her.

I’m just wondering if I should bother with the next one or not and I really don’t know if I’d want to see the film…although maybe it’s time….”9 1/2 weeks” was a long time ago now and nowhere near as rude.