It has become increasingly obvious to me that something should be done to make the role of the Grandparents in a divorce or separation scenario a little more defined. At present, the law in the UK does not acknowledge any legal relationship between grandparents and grandchildren which means that when their child divorces or separates they could well lose contact with their grandchildren. Currently they have barely more rights over their grandchildren than complete strangers.
There are over 14 million grandparents in the UK and according to figures from The Grandparent Association over 1 million of them have lost touch with their grandchildren due to a divorce or separation. Paternal grandparents are usually the most deprived because women are awarded custody of their children in 90 % of divorce cases.
As a parent, it must be a nightmare to have to deal with any sort of trauma involving one of your children in later life. But if they are going through divorce and have children it could be even worse. I have relied on my parents support hugely from the beginning of the breakdown of my marriage and my poor mother must have to spend far too much of her day worrying about my latest drama. I suspect my parents would have stayed abroad if they had any idea how much time and effort they would have to put into getting me through my divorce. So imagine adding to that the risk of losing contact with your grandchildren. What a nightmare. How might the child feel to be going through the trauma of a parental split and then possibly lose a major role model/support/friend/confidant.
I was thinking about the role of the grandparent recently because I have two male friends who are currently in a similar situation. They are both divorced. They both have ex wives who were given custody of the children. Neither wife has made any effort to continue the relationship their children previously had with the grandparents and yet both my friends’ parents have received letters recently from their ex-wives asking for additional financial assistance with the children.
So if both women believe that the grandparents should continue to play an active financial role in the lives of their grandchildren because they are flesh and blood then surely there should be laws in place to ensure that grandparents do not lose contact with their grandchildren in the event of divorce, separation or even bereavement. It seems a little unfair to just be able to pick and choose which bits you want and currently it seems that grandparents have no voice and no rights.
A Conservative government are proposing to change the laws. David Willetts, the Shadow Tory Minister has recently said courts should “at least have to consider” continuing legal rights for access to their children’s offspring in the event of a family breakdown. He said it was wrong that only half of councils considered family members first when deciding who should look after a child who would otherwise be taken into care. He agreed that we must improve the rights of grandparents to have access to children:-
“The courts should at least have to consider whether there should be continuing legal rights to access in the event of family breakdown. It’s also wrong that only half of local authorities have a policy that families should be considered as a first option before a child is fostered or taken into care. Grandparents must have a right to be the legal guardians of the child.”
The Conservatives are also considering making it easier for grandparents to receive childcare tax credits for looking after grandchildren. These are currently only given for formal care in a nursery or by a childminder. Mr Willetts said it was scandalous that grandparents had little or no recognition of their role in society, saying they were “fantastically important members of strong families”.
“They do an increasing amount, particularly in terms of childcare. Lots of parents rely on the support they give,” he said.
“They also help with the family finances, where there are big flows of support from grandparents to parents and grandchildren. “And, very interestingly, they are often a good source of advice for teenagers. There is fascinating research about which members of their family they would talk to about a problem, which showed grandparents often scoring above parents”.
Just yesterday in the paper a woman won a custody battle in the fight for her grandson after the Supreme Court reversed rulings that he should live with his father. The justices ruled that where there is a dispute over custody the child’s welfare takes precedence over the interests of the biological parents and the grandmother had looked after the boy since his birth.
I would love to hear from any grandparents to see what your thoughts are on the matter.
Heather
November 20, 2009I didn’t realise they had no rights. I’m shocked really. There should be someway for them to stay in touch with their grandchildren, some sort of law that means they get visiting rights etc. I can appreciate it would be hard, having to come in to contact with your ex wife/husbands parents on a regular basis but nobody ever said prenting was going to be easy. i don’t think any parent has the right (assuming that there is no abuse etc) to keep their children away from their relatives just because they have seperated. It’s just not fair to the child. And never mind just grandparents what about aunts, uncles, cousins? these are the childs relatives as well, surely they should be allowed contact with them, more than just the odd christmas card.
Family Affairs
November 20, 2009I totally agree x
Eclipse
November 20, 2009I completely agree. My Grandmother is amazing yet every single one of her grandchildren has divorced parents. In our case my grandma (and my mum’s mum) could only see us when my father had visitation rights, which became increasingly fewer as time went by. Since us girls went our separate ways and my sis ended up living with my mum and I lived with my Dad, neither of my grans have been able to see my little sis, as my mother has pretty much succeeded in severing all ties with family. Even now after Uni my sister can’t see her grandma (or her Dad) for fear of repercussions and out of misguided loyalty. In our case I don’t think laws or court agreements would have made any difference to our gran’s visiting rights, since they made no difference to when my father was allowed to see us, but maybe they may work for someone else.
Family Affairs
November 20, 2009Aaagh that is so sad Eclipse….what a shame for all concerned Lx
Mud
November 20, 2009Strangely, I have very little contact with my father (his choice) yet despite the fact that my granny (how mother) lives in South Africa and was (according to my mother) a terrifying mother-in-law, we are extremely close.
My mother always went the extra mile to keep me in touch with the rest of my father’s family, despite his behaviour, and it has made a world of difference.
Family Affairs
November 21, 2009I hadn’t realised that Mud, how sad – but good you’ve got a relationship with his mother – I love that and good for your mother to keep the relationship going under what sounds like very difficult circumstances. Lx
Nicola
November 20, 2009Oh God, what a thought provoking post. Even given my situation, the rights of the grandparents hadn’t even crossed my mind. I get on really well with ex’s parents (both remarried) and it would never occur to me not to encourage their participation in our sons’ lives. I think before the split they were actually a little concerned – and did tell me that as far as they were concerned that ex and I’s separation wouldn’t change anything from their point of view. And of course I echoed their response. I really love having them in my life -and don’t just want the relationship for the boys but for me as well.
I cannot even imagine how heartbroken they would be if things were different and their access to the kids was restricted.
Such a sad situation – for both grandparents and the children. I hope that rights for grandparents is something that can become legal.
Family Affairs
November 21, 2009Grandparents Apart UK:-
A child’s 4-1/2 years of abuse. SS didn’t believe grandparents.
Friday, November 20, 2009
“A Charter for Grandchildren” would have saved this child from 4-1/2 years of abuse. The grandparents were not believed by social services.
We have sad and good news concerning a child of six years of age. The child has been the subject of decisions by the legal profession and under the supervision of CAFCASS and the Social Services for over four and a half years during which the child has been on the Child Protection Register most of that time. The Child and Family Service plus other agencies have discussed the welfare of this child at core and child case conferences and are agreed that the child suffers from emotional abuse in the home, however the child has always complained and alleged physical abuse and the father has defended his child’s accusations.
These concerns of the father have carried no weight nor gained any support from neither Social Services nor CAFCASS as it was reported that the child was only making these accusations to get attention. The father was accused of using the child’s allegation to support his case for residency. The paternal grandparent’s house has been used twice by the Social Services in the last six months as a safe house for the child, resulting in the mother and step father stopping contact with their grandchild.
The paternal grandparents themselves brought the child’s allegations of physical abuse to the attention of the Social Services and other child agencies including politicians both national and local, but they were accused of only wanting to support their son’s case for residency.
The evidence that the child’s father’s family had was bruising and injuries over a lengthy period that the child claimed were the result of physical abuse at home and some of this evidence had been brought to attention of the child’s paternal grandparents by the local hospital’s A&E department. However the social Service and CAFCASS reports stated that the injuries the child complained about could have been the result of playing accidents. The official line was that the child’s injuries could not be determined as far as trauma was concerned but it could not be ruled out either.
This came to a head this week when the child again complained of being hit in the house and had supportive evidence of a badly bruised temple as evidence. On this occasion the child reported the incident to her teacher and was referred by the school to social Services who investigated the allegations thoroughly and during their investigations the child was kept safe in an independent house and was not in contact with her father or his family. They only knew about this incident when they were contacted by the Social Services and the child placed in their care. The child is now happy and safe.
The moral and significance of this case is, had their been a “Charter for Grandchildren” in place and had that charter been mandatory for the Children’s Agencies then the paternal grandparents concerns would have been taken more seriously and not as they were dismissed because it was thought by the agencies that the grandparents had a different agenda other than the safety of their grandchild.
At last the Social Services took the right decision by keeping the child independently safe while they made their investigations into what the child was alleging. Now the truth about the child’s abuse is in the public domain the family wonder what the legal implications of this will be.
QldDeb
November 23, 2009It’s so wrong that the rights of the children to know their family are overlooked in these power struggles.
I raised my niece for 3 years (from birth) but she “officially” lived with her mother. When she was taken interstate by her mum, I tried to get visitation rights and was told that I had none, and in the courts eyes I was “nothing”. Not something you want to hear when you’ve lost a loved child due to silly, nasty relationship stuff.
I see her now, funnily enough she doesn’t have a lot of time for her mother, but the damage was done. We are not nearly as close as I would like.
And this is where your wonderful qualities shine through. You’re thoughts and actions are always for your kids and their emotional health, denying them nothing when it comes to relationships with their father and family, regardless of the cost to you. I take my hat off to you.
Family Affairs
November 23, 2009Thanks Deb – what a lovely comment and how sad about your niece. Maybe you should just talk to her about it….she’s probably thinking the same thing Lx
Family Affairs
November 26, 2009Hi Lulu, well, I was of course really interested to read your post. It really is a disgrace when you think just how much grandparents actually do for their grandchildren (mmostly anyway). I can’t bear to think of losing contact with my grandson – it would be like tearing off a limb for me – and probably for him too!
I do feel for all those who have lost touch because of divorce or separation. It must be terribly painful. So glad you have your parents’ support – keep up the good work. M xx