Monday 1st February. I can’t quite believe that a month has flown by already.
I have had a very good start to the year in many ways. There are lots of interesting things going on with work which could take me in different directions and I have spent lots of time with my lovely friends. I am feeling far more calm and happy than I was this time last year and better placed to take on whatever gets thrown at me in a few months time when my X husband gets married. I am almost feeling ready to do an overview of how to survive a divorce (note shift from “ex husband” to “X husband” – subtle but significant I feel).
The downside of feeling like this is that I’ve had to let go of Builder Bloke 100%. I haven’t spoken to him for over a month and whilst we did split up before the summer, we had certainly spent more time together than we should have done for a couple who were no longer seeing each other. This time, when I told him it was over for good, although he didn’t believe me as usual, he has at least respected my request not to make any contact and I have been determined not to call.
It is very sad that I can’t be in touch with him anymore. We had a great time together for almost two years (although I think we spent more time splitting up than being together) before it went spectacularly wrong. The fact that my X is marrying his X has put any thoughts of a future together right out of the window. I am simply not prepared to be part of some sort of game, which is how it felt. A mind game. With all the players becoming obsessed with the detail and spreading rumours and counter-rumours at every throw of the dice. Not fun. At all. I’ve never liked games and this one made me feel like a pawn in somebody else’s life. Made me feel like I actually wasn’t getting on with the job of living my own life and made me feel miserable most of the time and slightly obsessed with what everybody else was doing.
But. I am feeling guilty because there is a man about who has taken me out for dinner here and there and is being refreshingly disinterested in the world of X’s and whose company I am enjoying. However, I feel very bad for Builder Bloke. It is because of me that he now has to live with the fact that my X husband is to become the step-father to his children and it is because of me not being able to handle the situation that he is now back to square one. Breaking up is hard to do at any age, but ridiculously, it doesn’t seem to get easier as you get older and when there are children involved as well, who you care about, it makes it all the more difficult.
He rang my mother the other day and told her that he would wait for me for as long as it takes. But he can’t do that because I have already told him that sadly there is no future for us. It is not what I want and I hope that he has/will come to the realisation that meeting somebody else with no connection to our complicated situation would be far, far better.
I wonder when I will be able to speak to him again. It seems such a shame to lose such a good friend. However, I suspect that if I start dating again he won’t want to see me anyway. But I hope he understands that I’m not going to put my life on hold to see what happens with my ex husband’s marriage. He thinks they will only last two years. Well, I don’t think anybody has a right to predict time-scales and I certainly don’t want to be part of a waiting game. Life is too short. I’m going to enjoy life now. Whilst it counts.
I hope he understands and I hope he is happy.
stigmum
February 1, 2010Hang on.. Is your ex marrying Builer Bloke’s ex and you, on and off, were seeing Builder Bloke? My goodness! No wonder you feel as you feel. I left a guy who was really nice and a good friend to me last year. Sometimes I wonder if that was a bit silly and hasty on my part, but like your post is saying really, I didn’t see a future with him. Unlike your builder bloke though, he got the message really quickly and got himself another girlfriend…! You’re right, life is too short to spend it with the wrong person but life itself is short so best we enjoy it as and when we can!
Family Affairs
February 1, 2010Yes, my ex met his ex when she called him when we were away together with all the kids – seemingly it was love at first sight as they were engaged within 8 months. Lx
London Dad
February 1, 2010The double X’s thing is complex and I don’t really understand it, but I can see how you would want to distance yourself from the centre of the storm. I hope you are nice to Builder Bloke as he has done nothing wrong so far as I can see. That said, your heart ain’t there so in the words of Ronnie Kray, be harsh but fair.
Good luck with it all. Have you considered a wealthy older man who can sweep you off your feet and look after you? Not a terrible idea but I suspect you’d prefer an element of pain and misery over and above love and security.
Are you that type?
Family Affairs
February 1, 2010I am certainly not after an element of pain and misery. Who is? But I wouldn’t go in search of wealth either. If money was my motivation for “love and security” I’d have stayed in my marriage. I am a firm believer that it is about meeting the right person at the right time and developing a mutual trust and respect. Then there is both love and security – money or no money. Lx
Chic Mama
February 1, 2010I think you are doing well not ‘making do’ which I think I’ve heard a lot about lately. Good luck with new man. ;0)
Dulwich Divorcee
February 2, 2010So glad you are being taken out to nice dinners, best news I’ve heard for ages xx
Family Affairs
February 2, 2010Thanks DD – that’s encouraging then Lx