The Guardian had a whole section on Divorce in the paper this week. One of the articles was entitled “How To Get The Perfect Divorce”. Well, in my opinion there is no such thing as the “perfect” divorce, even if you don’t have children, it is painful.
I heard on the news last week that websites are being used more these days for advice and support, instead of lawyers. This is a good thing – lawyers obviously have their place but the money they charge you for what you think is a five minute letter or piece of advice is frankly astronomical. I think there should be different fee levels for lawyers – we, as bruised, traumatised civilians should NOT be charged their corporate hourly rate – I think it is OUTRAGEOUS. Not only that, but most of us have to go through the exact same process if we are getting divorced, give or take a few pensions, bonds, children – perhaps we should request a reduction for a group rate? Or a buy one, get one free?
When there are children involved, it becomes an ongoing drama with endless issues. Our latest drama is that one of Builder Bloke’s children has announced he wants to come and live with his father, after an argument with his mother. This is a big deal and all I can do is encourage BB to be as sensitive as possible. Children, when they have the option of two houses probably always think the grass is going to be greener albeit temporarily and I have to hope that in any arguments I have with my children we can resolve our issues before it gets out of hand. I have friends who have suggested their children go and live with their father in the heat of the moment and bitterly regretted saying it, because in several cases they have.
It is not easy and if you are thinking about divorce, think very, very carefully about the ongoing fallout.
There are however ways to help ease the pain if you are thinking about divorce and here is some advice:-
1. Try everything first. If your children are tiny or you have been through some other trauma try and recognise that this may be the cause of your misery and disappointment in each other. You may not need a lawyer. Try counselling or mediation first. Try and avoid an acrimonious divorce at all costs. This will be expensive, traumatic and ultimately affect the children.
2. Don’t expect your lawyer to offer you emotional support – it is not a good use of their time (aka your money). Find a therapist and go together – if that is too hard then go and see a therapist on your own.
3. Even if you think you can reach an agreement about the division of finances/assets/children if you are going to proceed with divorce, it is worth spending an initial couple of hours with a lawyer who has been recommended to make sure you are getting a reasonably fair deal. You need to like and feel comfortable with your lawyer – you may want a rottweiler, but not everybody does. Get a friend to go with you to the first meeting to help take notes. You won’t be thinking very clearly.
4. Mediation is very helpful but they are not their to give you specific advice so be careful that you don’t start it too early. Make sure all the financial arrangements are clear by then.
5. Buy a large file and keep things organised. This will fill up depressingly quickly.
6. It will probably take a while to reach the final financial settlement. Try and do as much of it together (with a bottle of wine and a calculator). It will save you a fortune in legal fees. If you can’t you should think about “collaborative” law whereby both parties and their solicitors sign a participation agreement in order to deal with things in a non-confrontational way (sometimes easier said than done). All meetings are conducted together.
7. Don’t be surprised if things get nasty when trying to agree finances. You have to try and stay strong and firm on the areas you feel are important. Pick your battles. Let some stuff go. “There is no doubt that many men treat the whole divorce issue as a business deal. Many women get very emotionally attached to the family home” says Lloyd Platt. You have to try and see the bigger picture, which is not easy in the circumstances.
For any of you out there who happen to stumble on this post – please let me have your thoughts and any advice. Would love to hear from you.
Jo
February 13, 2011There is always ‘fallout’. I’ve been divorced over 5 years and have a 4000 mile distance between us and there is still continuing ‘fallout’. When there is a child involved, the divorce is just a piece of paper. There is still a certain amount of co-parenting, exchange of information happening and don’t even get me started on the issues of visitation.
So I completely agree with the logic of this post, especially No.5 – organisation is so very important.
Thank you for posting this article. Going through this process can so easily leave you feeling alone, trapped and with no knowledge of what to do. The above check-list is a good start.
Family Affairs
February 14, 2011Thanks Jo – I just think it’s always good to compare notes and take advice on how to avoid the pitfalls Lx
auntiegwen
February 14, 2011I think I have been luckier than most in my separation but my male friend said if Carling made ex wives they would be moulded on me. Apparently that is high praise.
Family Affairs
February 14, 2011Hi praise indeed x
Karin
February 17, 2011I read somewhere that you never really know a person until you divorce them. I certainly got a new perspective on my ex as we worked through the financial issues. Thank goodness we had already agreed to the custody arrangements (and, for the record, there are almost no resources out there for people trying to figure out a 50/50 custody split). So the money became the place where we got our hostilities out. Money is so tough because it goes right to your sense of security, and there’s a lot of fear and anger there. When you’re already dealing with all the emotional fallout of a marriage failure, it’s easy to hang that hat on the money fight.
Fortunately, we worked with a mediator – who succeeded, I guess, in that we both felt cheated in the end. That must be fair, right? Probably as close to “perfect” as possible.
Family Affairs
February 17, 2011I agree. Unless you both feel cheated – it’s not even. Think if both feel that have had to compromise hugely then I think that might be a fair divide. Lx