So we all know that very often when we say “I’M FINE” in response to “How are you?” that what we really mean is:-
F-I-N-E = “FUCKED UP, INSECURE, NEUROTIC AND EMOTIONAL”
but we probably aren’t going to give the details to the poor, unsuspecting inquirer or indeed offer time to the other person either. Much easier to walk away, or talk about something else.
But it’s all coming out now, this need to talk about our problems more. The whole football child abuse horror. Imagine how those boys must have felt not feeling that they had anyone they could talk to about what was going on. I feel so bad for them and also for their parents and family – imagine how they now feel knowing that their children were going through something so traumatic and couldn’t discuss it. Imagine all those well meaning parents putting their trust in other grown-ups who were meant to guide their children through their budding careers – how betrayed, disgusted and angry they must now feel.
Lady Gaga too – opening up to a group of homeless children about how she was raped at 19 and her resulting depression. “Having secrets can make you sick” she says. How how do we as a nation who can’t talk about their feelings very easily do better on this front?
A study of 2,000 Britons has found that the average adult will say ‘I’m fine’ 14 times a week, though really just 19 per cent mean it and therefore The Mental Health Foundation has launched an ‘I’m Fine’ campaign to encourage Brits to open up about mental health and ‘bring back meaning’ to daily conversations.
Almost a third of those surveyed said they often lie about how they are feeling to other people, while one in ten went as far to say they always lie about their emotional state. The real worry is that we are also three times more likely to disguise our feelings from our mother than from our father, so how do I get my kids to talk more openly to me? Apparently we feel most comfortable discussing our emotions on social media and online forums than with our friends directly (well bloggers do anyway).
Almost a third of those surveyed said they often lie about how they are feeling to other people, while one in ten went as far to say they always lie about their emotional state. This dishonesty goes both ways, with 59 per cent of us expecting the answer to be a lie when we ask others “How are you feeling?” – presumably because no one has time for a long answer these days.
Jenny Edwards, Chief Executive of the Mental Health Foundation who commissioned the research said: “While it may appear that most of us are happy openly discussing feelings, these survey results reveal that many of us are really just sticking to a script.
“This creates an illusion of support. On the surface, we’re routinely checking in with each other but beneath that, many of us feel unable to say how we’re really feeling.”
Men are more than twice as likely to be dishonest to others when it comes to their emotions, with 22 per cent admitting they always lie about how they feel, compared to 10 per cent of women.
Women however are more likely to be hurt emotionally. Forty one per cent have regretted opening up to someone in the past, compared to 29 per cent of men.
Conversely, 44 per cent of those surveyed said that they have regretted asking somebody how they were doing after receiving an answer they weren’t prepared for.
As for those ‘fine’ Brits, 34 per cent use “I’m fine” as a response because it is more convenient than explaining how they really feel, while 23 per cent say it because they think the person asking isn’t really interested.
Strangely, we are more likely to reveal our true feelings to a stranger than our work colleagues, while our grandparents bring out the honest side in us, with less than one per cent of the sample willing to fib to a grandparent.
When quizzed on the people in their lives they receive emotional support from, a fifth of Brits said they could use a lot more guidance and support, while 28 per cent think they would benefit from more supportive people in their lives.
In a question aimed at uncovering our attitudes towards our own emotions, just one in ten people enjoy opening up, while the majority remain indifferent to expressing themselves to others.
Fifty two per cent actively dislike discussing their emotions, and one in seven say they do not have an outlet in their lives where they can express how they truly feel.
The study also explored the emotional profile of the participants. When asked which emotions they expressed most commonly, a third of respondents chose anxiety.
Eighteen per cent chose depression, 15 per cent chose boredom and 11 per cent chose loneliness.
More encouragingly, 21 per cent said they felt affection most frequently, and 20 per cent chose love.
Jenny Edwards continued: “The people around us in our lives are crucial for our mental health; people with strong connections live happier, healthier and longer lives than those without. That’s why we all need a healthy network of friends and family who we are comfortable to confide in when we need to.
“Next time someone asks “how are you?”, try going off the standard script and say the truth instead of ‘I’m fine’ and see how a more meaningful conversation unfolds.”
So be warned people, maybe avoid me for a bit, because I start experimenting with giving the long answer, you’re never going to get away…
