Well, that was an evening I won’t forget in a while. Not least because the four of us looked like a bunch of old lesbian pervs sitting almost in the front row. A friend of mine (I shall blame her) invited me and two friends to join her at the french burlesque show Crazy Horse, set up in a large red velvet swathed tent on the South Bank. Very Moulin Rouge:-
It felt very womb like/ sleazy going in, the central part of the tent had lots of teeny weeny round tables and chairs spread out so that you can feel intimate with your group and spend loads of money on expensive drinks. It’s a good combination – I don’t know why more theatres don’t get rid of their boring seats in rows and let us all sit about in circles drinking profusely. They’d make loads more money and more people would go.
Oh, and the other thing to do if you are a West End Theatre owner is to invite Kelly Brook to open the show wearing nothing but a black lacey basque, suspenders and very very high black patent Louboutin shoes. You would never have a problem with selling tickets again. Trust me…..
So. The show.
Well, it starts with all the women in the show doing a marching song wearing bear skin hats and bare skin flesh – and boots. They all look the same. Gorgeous little faces with big eyes and lips, long legs, small frames – small perfect breasts, g-strings and some sort of tape strapped to their bits thankfully. They stomp up and down and their perfect little boobs and bottoms wobble but only very slightly – not a speck of a mole or imperfection to be seen, let alone any cellulite and droopy boobs. I am in awe. They are spectacular examples of the female form. I stop worrying about looking like a lesbian as I begin to internalise my misery about not looking like any of them. I then begin to imagine the four of us doing the same thing and start to get marginally hysterical at the thought.
Then on comes the gorgeous Kelly Brook. Well. I frankly had no idea anybody could be quite so seductive without taking all their clothes off. She was spectacular and all she did was writhe sexily on, in and around a large lip shaped velvet sofa, wafting her legs and arse in the air. This was every school boys fantasy and way more attractive than watching somebody properly naked:-
After her three minute performance on comes a lot more nudity – fantasy city frankly – a tormented office worker rips off all her clothes as the share prices go up and down in the background, a splendid exotic creature writhes around in a cage imprinted with leopard skin effect lighting, a pole dancing scene – in some of them they take even their minuscule pants off, but I don’t know why they bother – it doesn’t make any difference to what you can see frankly.
To be honest, I was just as fascinated with the audience – which was incredibly mixed – not many weird little strange groups of women like us but lots of older parents with 20/30 something kids, couples, groups of couples – a few men at the front on their own looking just as bad as we were…..when Kelly came out the place erupted and then, when she pops out playing a ridiculous Betty Boop style role twice more which frankly spoilt her first show there were girls in the audience shouting “KELLLEEEEE – over here!!” like they all knew her. They also had one man on stage during a great little combo where a couple spar with each other playing the drums on the table whilst battling with each other – they were brilliant and very different.
The lights were one of the best bits – cleverly placed to give the girls spots or stripes so I couldn’t help thinking about Dr Seuss’s “Thing One and Thing Two” characters most of the time. Clever use of mirrors and props as well which highlighted their bodies even more.
I don’t think it’s on for much longer, so if you want a very different sort of night out and it hasn’t sold out then give it a go.
