I have taught three classes back to back this morning, arriving home at 1pm expecting to find my son half way through his packing and organising. But no. He is still in bed. It is this sort of behaviour that I will not miss. The sleepy groggy teenage morning grunty chat that is hard to bear when I’ve been up since 6.30am. The slow brain dead conversation whilst they stand and stare vacantly into the fridge – willing a sandwich to materialise in front of their eyes. The temptation is to wonder whether they are ever going to actually function properly in the real world when you know he is about to shout “THERE’S NO FOOD IN THE ENTIRE HOUSE. GOD!”.
Still. He’s doing it one step at a time. University is hardly the real world, but it’s a step in the right direction and that is where my firstborn child is off to this weekend.
This feels very strange.
I thought I’d be fine because he’s been away a lot of this year. But it’s not the same. His stuff was still all here. He only took a backpack. Now he is properly packing up his room. Packing up his life and taking it all away. Somewhere else. There will be a big black hole here. For a while.
I have produced, nurtured, fed, watered, loved, cried over, worried for, hugged, laughed at and with, shouted at, got frustrated with, loved even more, felt proud, angry, resentful, hurt, even more worried, terrified, upset for and with and then loved even more again and it has mostly been an absolute pleasure. He has become a fully formed adult who I am very very proud of. He is more than capable of holding his own in the world, he is the most easy going person I have ever met, he is clever, fun, brilliant at sport, a party animal, a good friend to many and whilst a little bit crap as a son from time to time because that’s their job, I love him more than I can ever say and now, just as I am beginning to enjoy his company, he is moving out of my house and moving on with his life…and it has gone in a long, slow heartbeat of a blink of the eye of a needle. I want to be able to say to anyone who dares to break his heart that he needs to be forgiven for being a simple soul and when he’s not listening when he’s supposed to be – he’s not being rude, he’s just thinking about the football results and what he’s going to eat next – he can’t help it – he’s always been that way.
But. My job is done. I won’t be nearby anymore when he’s sitting in his little room, feeling lonely. I’m feeling very sad about that – but then again, he won’t be sitting in his little room feeling lonely. He’ll either be really happy on his own in his little room or out and about meeting people or playing football or at the pub and hopefully attending the odd lecture.
Lots of people say that they will be back in one form or another – either living back at home due to lack of job and funds or in and out for whatever reason…..yes, yes, I know that – but surely it’s not the same really is it? This is a great big huge step for both of us and I feel like the mum (mom) in Toy Story (3?) who is all upset staring at her son’s empty room as he leaves for college.
Yesterday we went shopping for provisions. He downloaded various checklists – saucepans, cutlery, mugs, chopping board, bla bla – basically an entire new set of kitchen equipment and utensils – which seemed a little bit extreme given that this year the hall of residence he’s in is catered. So what is he going to need all that stuff for?
ALSO – I’ve messed up. I was meant to start teaching him to cook and unload the dishwasher and wash behind his ears years ago….is it too late? Will he cope?
We stood in John Lewis’s bedding department yesterday looking at his checklist. Pillows, duvet, mattress cover, towels etc etc. Do you want Oxford or standard style pillow cases I ask him “what’s the difference?” – so I try to explain the difference and I’m describing flappy bits of extra material and he has completely glazed over – “mum, I don’t really give a shit” …..
Neither do I.
We go and buy him new jeans. T-shirts. Jumpers. I’m enjoying myself. I know it’s because I’ve got a wallet, but I still like spending time with him.
It’s weird though. I have turned into one of those women who say “I cant believe how quickly he grew up, it was all over in a flash – how did that happen?
How have we gone from this (try to ignore the horrible jumper):
To this?
From this? (His shoes are on the right):-
To this: (His shoes still in the right):–
Still. Some things never change:-
I will miss you my gorgeous boy. So will your brother and sister. Be happy and don’t forget to phone your mother every once in a while.
Trish - Mums Gone to
September 27, 2012Oh you’ve got me all choked up now. The words, the photos…just a lovely post.
It will be happening to me sooner than I think and I keep wanting to bury my head in the sand. Right, must start some life skills teaching!
Family Affairs
September 27, 2012Yes hurry up and get on with it!! Lx
janelle
September 27, 2012ahhh loved this piece..close to my heart…he’ll have an absolute blast..my how the years fly by…love the photographs! gorgeous, you! love xxx
Family Affairs
September 27, 2012I know. Thought of you as writing Lx
saz
September 27, 2012I’m taking my last born on Sunday morning…you words are my words…just different images….
how to shake this off….bottle of red and ten fags prob….
hope you will be ok…you have the others still home so thats a blessing..shit did l say blessing??? am def a goner…
xxx saz
Family Affairs
September 27, 2012I know. Not sure what I”m going to do to drown my sorrows…..Lx
Dorothy
September 28, 2012Having done the college drop off dry eyed a month ago, I will warn you that it is the empty bedroom that breaks you! I went in and sat on his bed and wondered where the past 18 years had gone. More importantly, why had nobody warned me when they handed me that mewling little scrap in the delivery room that in the blink of an eye he would be launched into the world and I would feel utterly redundant. That said, he is happy and enjoying college and that’s what it’s all about at this stage. Plus, I’ve still got 13yr old twins to deal with.
Family Affairs
September 28, 2012Yes. I can imagine that bit will be the worst – the empty room. Although like you I have others at home and my near 13 y/o boy has designs on his bedroom so at least it won’t be empty all the time! Lx
Jo
September 28, 2012Empty room? That would be a blessing; my recently-departed son’s room is anything but empty. He has removed all of the things that he needed while somehow managing to leave everything else undisturbed. I am under instruction not to throw anything away (old train tickets, empty DVD cases, thirty back-dated copies of The Week, empty Jack Daniels bottles, I could go on …), although I have removed anything that looked as if it might leave by itself. And now my youngest son has moved in leaving his old room in a similar state. He is eighteen on Sunday so my job as a mother is officially over. Which makes me feel both very, very old and more than a little sad.
Family Affairs
September 28, 2012GOSH. All adult children. What a milestone. Now you can go on your gap year. Lx
Jo
September 28, 2012Wouldn’t that be lovely? Now if only I had some money and hadn’t spent it all on my children …
Fran
September 29, 2012That was a great post and I love the pictures. You reminded me of a poem I often perform called ‘Empty Nest’ which was about my son leaving home, and which is on the ‘samples of work’ page of my blog. It might make you laugh. http://www.ilurveenglish.blogspot.co.uk/p/samples-of-work.html
Family Affairs
September 29, 2012Ha ha – that’s hilarious – can I post it on my blog?? Lx
Fran
October 1, 2012Sure. Glad you liked it. It’s one I keep amending, so that’s version 261 you’ve got there….
Anna
October 2, 2012Congratulations on the great job. He’s a fantastic guy with a sunny personality.
Whatever he says or does, you are always in his head and heart, even if he is not aware of it. Every decision, every relationship he’ll measure by you. Every time he’s about to embark on something, he’ll wonder what you would say about it. Your values, your outlook will accompany him everywhere, even if you won’t. Mothers play an enormous role in a man’s life.
I am already talking to my son about spending the last two years of high school on an exchange abroad. He likes the idea. Nothing is organized yet, obviously, since he is only 9 going on 10, but I think being out in the world with other people would do him good. Don’t they say to hold them you have to let them go?
Family Affairs
October 2, 2012Aaah. Lovely words thank you – and yes, I guess you are right about that – hopefully I’ve taught him some crucial core values in life. Important ones. Same with your son and a good idea re his schooling – I’d like to have done that with my kids – and then gone with them!! Lx