I have a theory of late about relationships and marriage and …. stuff. Let me know what you think.
When I got divorced, one of the accusations levelled against me by my husband was that I didn’t devote enough time to him – that I invested far more time and effort in my family and friends. I have seen this happen with other friends of mine – when partners don’t feel valued because of the focus being elsewhere – unsurprisingly it’s mainly in the ones whose marriages don’t seem to be working very well. Is that because, for a relationship or marriage to work you have to make your partner the primary attachment?
It seems to me that those people I know who are close to their parents and family in general and have a strong wide circle of friends don’t invest as much time in that one “significant other”. Is this because things are going wrong or as a result of it?
Then, on the other hand you have people like my mother and other friends of mine who focus all their attention on their partner – over and above even their children. Is this the right way? Because children will leave home and you have to live your life separately from them? In my experience the people I know like this are the ones who either lost their parents young or came from a divorced family or didn’t actually like their parents – but perhaps that’s just coincidental.
Those with a primary attachment person can’t imagine a fulfilled rich life without that person. Whereas the single people I know generally love their freedom. Yes, they’d love a partner, a “soulmate” but they don’t want the compromise anymore. So instead they are choosing other paths, doing loads and learning instead to love themselves. Is that selfish or sad or … not? A lovely Pilates teacher friend of mine quoted someone the other day as saying (something like) “you spend every day of your life looking for that amazing person you can totally trust, who is never going to let you down, who is going to look after you, cherish you, love you and then one day you look in the mirror and say ‘Hello'”.
I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Or if I’m completely wrong here. We all seem to have a huge respect for elderly people who are busy and interested and that of course requires you to have other interests.
OH I DON’T KNOW.