I have a theory of late about relationships and marriage and …. stuff. Let me know what you think.
When I got divorced, one of the accusations levelled against me by my husband was that I didn’t devote enough time to him – that I invested far more time and effort in my family and friends. I have seen this happen with other friends of mine – when partners don’t feel valued because of the focus being elsewhere – unsurprisingly it’s mainly in the ones whose marriages don’t seem to be working very well. Is that because, for a relationship or marriage to work you have to make your partner the primary attachment?
It seems to me that those people I know who are close to their parents and family in general and have a strong wide circle of friends don’t invest as much time in that one “significant other”. Is this because things are going wrong or as a result of it?
Then, on the other hand you have people like my mother and other friends of mine who focus all their attention on their partner – over and above even their children. Is this the right way? Because children will leave home and you have to live your life separately from them? In my experience the people I know like this are the ones who either lost their parents young or came from a divorced family or didn’t actually like their parents – but perhaps that’s just coincidental.
Those with a primary attachment person can’t imagine a fulfilled rich life without that person. Whereas the single people I know generally love their freedom. Yes, they’d love a partner, a “soulmate” but they don’t want the compromise anymore. So instead they are choosing other paths, doing loads and learning instead to love themselves. Is that selfish or sad or … not? A lovely Pilates teacher friend of mine quoted someone the other day as saying (something like) “you spend every day of your life looking for that amazing person you can totally trust, who is never going to let you down, who is going to look after you, cherish you, love you and then one day you look in the mirror and say ‘Hello'”.
I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Or if I’m completely wrong here. We all seem to have a huge respect for elderly people who are busy and interested and that of course requires you to have other interests.
OH I DON’T KNOW.
ANYTHING.
ANYMORE.
Gappy
April 27, 2012I don’t know, I personally consider it a mistake to put all your hopes and dreams in one person and I also believe in cultivating and maintaining independence and autonomy. I think you need to know that if your relationship ended, or if something happened to your significant other, you’d still have a life of your own to fall back on.
I’m sure others may disagree though.
Shiny
April 29, 2012Hello! I’ve been terribly bad at blogging, but here am I, holding up my little blog hand, calling for attention so you know I’m still alive! I agree with Gappy, to a degree. I think the thing here (and I suppose with pretty much everything) is to find the balance. First – me; next – partner; next – kids. I do think people forget to put energy into their relationships when the kids appear (and can completely understand how/why that happens) but can see how detrimental it can be to a relationship. I’m interested to know if the people you speak about, the ones who valued their partners over their kids, remained married? I think, also, the thing to ask is how many of them also focussed on themselves which, really, is the crucial question. Shoo, okay I’ll stop now. Sending love from a chilly southern tip of Africa x
Family Affairs
April 29, 2012Yes they are still married – which I guess is my point……but yes, I agree those I am talking about also spend “looking after” and developing and understanding themselves too. Having said that – I’m not sure I’ve got time for a primary attachment anymore! Lx
Bella
September 19, 2012My ex gave me that same reason when he admitted to having an affair with a co-worker. He told me that I wasn’t focused on him. Keep in mind, we have 4 kids and at the time I was home-schooling them, our oldest was in competitive gymnastics and I ran a part-time home business.
Personally, I feel like this was just an excuse.
I have found it’s difficult to balance it all and keep everyone happy. Is there one perfect answer? Or maybe it depends on each person’s maturity level and strength of the relationship?
Family Affairs
September 19, 2012Definitely no one perfect answer and I agree depends entirely on the maturity of each person and the strength of the overall relationship. I mean how ridiculous – 4 home educated kids and he expected some attention? Please. He could have helped you out. Organised a babysitter every once in a while and made an effort. Lx