Last week TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp controversially stated that always putting your man first was the key to a successful relationship. She said “if you do what your partner prefers, he is happy and the children have a great time too”.
Do you agree with that?
I don’t. This makes me angry – comments like this. I am all for accepting the wonderful world of gender differences, but frankly this sort of statement takes us right back to the last century. Surely most relationships are now based on mutual respect and equality? If not then on a compromise agreeable to both? Why should one partner expect or deserve to be happier than the other? Is it right that children learn that imbalance from an early age even if outwardly calm and happy?
I did try that approach when I was married – tried to go and watch cricket matches and other sports with the children in tow but it made us all miserable, which admittedly was my fault because I didn’t come from a sporting family and wasn’t used to it. My parents spent every weekend doing stuff together.
Of course, it is quite clear that I am not qualified to comment because I got it all wrong. One writer, in agreement with Kirstie states:-
“I know of couples where the husband commutes to London during the week to work 10 hours per day in order to support the family and then at the weekend gets told by the wife: “No, you’re not going to play golf, it’s your turn to have the kids, I need some “me time”. I am amazed the men stick around to be bossed about. I’m sure most of them are having affairs – in fact, I hope they are poor blighters. If you don’t look after your man, someone else will”.
That really makes me feel sad because that is pretty much what happened to us. I was one of those awful women who when at home with three small children wanted her husband around at the weekends to do family stuff and to spend time together. He did work unbelievably hard and was used to playing lots of sport and needed an outlet. I get that. He did get to do his thing sometimes, but I simmered with resentment because I couldn’t do my thing. It was just a bad time and we didn’t manage to sort it out. Small children make everything go wrong for a minute and to be honest I thought I was working unbelievably hard as well – or at least it felt like that at the time.
I hadn’t realised that there are actually women out there encouraging men to have affairs the minute the going gets tough. Writers like the one above who justify breaking up a marriage at this precarious time, because it’s all the woman’s fault. What about the women who work full time as well?
Where do the same sex partnerships stand on this issue? Is one assigned the job of resident doormat for their relationship to survive? Or is it actually supposed to be just what it says on the packet – a PARTNERSHIP. Where both strive to understand, sympathise, empathise and compromise their way through the messy thing we call life.
Surely it’s all about communication? We are equal partners here trying to find a way to make it work. Women who stay at home to look after the children are more inclined to feel they have to do what their man says, in my limited experience and very often this comes down to who is in financial power – but even then it’s got to be a compromise that works both ways. It is very very difficult. I’m quite sure we weren’t really designed to live together when bringing up kids. Quite frankly most friends I know would have been much happier living in a commune with women and many children all eating and playing together. The men could then have played sport to their hearts content and gone to the pub. We could all have shared babysitting duties and had a sex rota to meet your partner at least twice a week.
It is not easy raising a family and trying to focus on your relationship at the same time. I know that from personal experience. But my advice is that you have to work at it and you have to be honest and talk about it and most importantly of all, make it very clear to “your man” and any of those women apparently waiting in the wings to pounce on “your man” that it would be very very stupid to do anything rash before your youngest child is five. You shouldn’t give up, shouldn’t wander off. If you married for love you should stick with it – because warped as it might be in the middle years of change and nappies, it will get better as the kids get older. Everybody gets their life back and it gets better.
There we are then. That’s my view. Biased as hell. What do you think?
nuttycow
August 23, 2011I actually agree with her, but with a caveat. You should put your man first, he should put you first. Or, more simply, no matter what the situation, you should always be thinking of people other than yourself.
However, I also agree with you (not that I would know!) marriage is a partnership and not something that you can just give up on when things get a little tough (ditto any kind of relationship). If you put the effort in, trust each other, talk to each other then things should work themselves out.
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011Well, although I don’t agree with her, I agree with the way you put it and you agree with her!! Not sure how that works. If you put your partner first and they put you first then isn’t that the same as saying all things should be equal? Both parties deserve to be considered and respected and listened to? Anyway, whatever. If your partner is being kind and thoughtful is is SO SO SO much easier to be kind and thoughtful back. Lx
Expat Mum
August 23, 2011Cor, that commune’s starting to sound very tempting.
I get that men who work really hard all week need their “me” time at the weekends, but how hurtful is it that they’d rather be by themselves (or with their mates) than with their wives and kids, not having seen them all week? That’s the part I don’t agree with.
Basically, there’s not a lot of “me: time for either spouse when the kids are really little.
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011Exactly. No bloody ME time at all in fact. Lx
'm'
August 23, 2011The way you have written this and the (so far) responses makes it look like the ‘kids’, ‘got in the way’ of either partner having ‘me’ time. Sometimes I think that couples just don’t think through the whole children thing properly….yeah sure it must be wonderful to have them…but, maybe, just maybe if both parents are really career orientated, then the children idea needs to shelved – for a time – or even, dare I say it, for ever!…..?
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011God, you’re on a ranty roll arent you?? What do you think about same sex couples and keeping each other happy??? More to the point Lx
janelle
August 23, 2011i’m with you L. what a load of CODSWOLLOP those women in your post have spoken…and what traitors…!?
in order to be kind and thoughtful one must think of oneself…to be happy…how can you not? everyone is an individual…and marriage is a series of compromises and landmines, especially when the bladdy kids come along…feh. . . . sometimes it’s so much easier on your own, ya know? fuggit. x
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011Yup. I love your “fuggit”. Lxx
Fran
August 23, 2011I guess the problem is when there’s an assumption that the ‘man’ has worked so much harder during the week than the woman dealing with the kids. It depends what job he does, I suppose, but in my experience, I often felt that going to my part-time job at the office, with people to joke with, coffee time, lunch hours etc etc was much more restful than being at home, however busy work got!
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011Lots of people say that don’t they? It was easier going to work than being at home. At least it was more predictable x
'm'
August 23, 2011lol….just keeping you on ya toes….but, I think, I was making a valid point. I don’t have an opinion on same sex couples to be truthful….I guess, they have to think the children thing through that little bit more tho’. They do not come ‘naturally’ or by accident, so I’m not sure it really is a parallel comparison.
Family Affairs
August 23, 2011I’m really not sure it’s about the kids – yes they affect the relationship for a considerable amount of time, but presumably Kirstie Allsopp was referring to marriages who don’t have children as well? There is a less obvious division of labour then (possibly) but what do you think if there are no kids? That one person has to strive to please the other? I think children are distracting from the main issue! but I do see what you’re saying Lx
Jaz
August 23, 2011Oooh – my favourite subject! Like you I wanted exactly the same from my hardworking ex-husband at the weekend – lovely times with the whole family. Surely that isn’t too awful of us? When my hardworking ex developed high blood pressure, our GP told him that he needed more ‘me time’, so he did! After a week away working in the states he would return home and go straight away for the weekend with his friends, on Saturday lunchtimes he would go jogging with a single female collegue from his office. All of these things I tolerated as he would tell me that if I didn’t let him have ‘me time’ he would become all unwell! The final straw was when he was running in the Reading half-marathon, I made the usual flapjacks for him and asked if we could come and cheer him on. The response was ‘no I am going with my friends’, how sad, how would Kirsty of handled that I wonder?
Family Affairs
August 24, 2011Sounds like he was pretty good at putting his own happiness first then without your help!! Lx
'm'
August 24, 2011I’m not at all sure I do agree with Kirsty and no, if one person has to constantly strive to keep the other happy – it evidently ain’t working and it’s time to move on. Of course the natural conclusion to the argument is that if BOTH individuals (of whatever persuasion) bend over backwards to accommodate the other, there should not be a problem – although again, if both are running round treading on eggshells, trying to keep the other one happy, there are (to my mind) compatibility problems. The point I was making in my first comment is that you in fact high-jacked Kirsty’s headline to comment on and discuss the division of labour over children (or kids, as you put it) [I always think that the ‘kids’ label is somewhat derogatory]….even Janelle then goes on to describe “bladdy kids”….which re-inforces my initial point; If you can’t or won’t (jointly) cope with looking after children – why have them in the first place?
Family Affairs
August 24, 2011Well. Because you want them, but you don’t really think about how it’s all going to work when you’ve got them. In our case, because we moved abroad for my husband’s job, I lost my high powered record exec job and then fell pregnant not long after that. Being abroad meant I stayed at home. Which was fine mostly but I probably should have worked. I did part time stuff. but got pregnant again….bla bla. Once one person is out of the market place and the other feels pressured to stay in it there are already problems. Coupled with the lack of childcare support in the UK etc it all adds up. I think if we all thought to hard about the logistics of having kids we probably would be too scared! But in my case it was as important as finding the right man to marry xx
Family Affairs
August 25, 2011PS – however, it is without doubt the arrival of the children that affected out relationship the most because without them I would have carried on working and things would have been very very different. That is not to say that we wouldn’t have found we drifted apart for other reasons. I don’t think they were specifically responsible for what happened but you certainly have to work hard at getting it right. Lx
Eclipse
August 24, 2011I’ve been thinking about this for a bit… Maybe this is why paternity leave should be longer and one should be able to have it at various points in the kids lives. If both parents cannot understand what it is like to walk in each others’ shoes, then maybe it is much more difficult to find that compromise.
Family Affairs
August 24, 2011Yes. GREAT idea – swap lives here and there. That would help hugely x
English Mum
August 24, 2011I agree with the Nutty one when she puts it like that – if it’s down to treating each other with respect, then totally, yes, I see that… but I’ve also been in the situation when I’ve been longing for the hubby to come home after a long day with the kids, only to see him put his sports kit on and go straight out. Heartbreaking.
Happily, as the kids have got (gotten? I hate gotten.) older, I find I’ve had much more time to myself, and if he wants to sod off on his mountain bike as soon as he gets home I don’t care as much. I do insist on us eating as many meals together as possible (although god knows why as we only argue!). Guess it’s all about give and take. And that shouldn’t be one person doing all the taking and the other doing all the giving. x
Family Affairs
August 24, 2011I completely agree with u xx
Bush Mummy
August 25, 2011Bloody hell that is so true and good to read..
BM x
Jon Storey
August 26, 2011Surely Kirsty is saying that we each should have the state of mind that puts out partner first. I am guessing that I am not the only reader that has been in a relationship where that was not the case……..