I wonder how much will change when my children acquire a new step-mother tomorrow.
I am not sure how it will affect my children and suspect that it will have more of an impact on Builder Bloke’s children. They are the ones who live with my ex husband and have had to cope with what has effectively been a very quick transition from 0 – 100 in 18 months. BB’s ex wife told BB yesterday that she felt their youngest child was playing up because he was spending too much time with my youngest son and that when he had the children he should spend time only with them and not with us – pretty extraordinary coming from the woman who instigated the doubling up of time our children spent together – anyway it took my youngest child three years to get used to the idea of BB being around (with many gaps in between) so as BB pointed out to her, I suspect it’s got more to do with getting used to their new, sudden family unit.
Will it be difficult for all the children to readjust? Or are they already old enough not to mind too much? There are many issues around stepfamilies – separation and divorce and how we all deal with it that will affect the health and happiness of children in general. Too many children find themselves caught in the middle and I’m not sure that parents assuming that what is good for them must be good for the children is always the correct approach. Especially when it comes to boys – they are jealous of their mother being with someone else it seems to me.
For me there are the obvious financial implications which I think it’s best to not worry about until the time comes. I saw in the paper yesterday a story about stepchildren who had taken their stepmother to court over their father’s estate. They lost. She got everything. Gulp.
ANYWAY, I don’t want to hugely depress myself. Would love to hear about your experiences of stepfamily aka blended family life.
Jon Storey
July 2, 2010As I have mentioned previously, the two eldest children refused to go to their father’s wedding, the youngest was still quite young. Over the last 6/7 plus years the girls settled into a state of tolerance of their stepmother but Jonny frankly, hates her guts. During the last year he has made a huge effort to relate to ‘that f…. woman’ for his father’s sake but events of the last month have plunged the whole relationship to new depths, which have not only driven Jonny to refuse to have anything else to do with her but has seriously soured the girls relationship with their stepmother and sadly also their father.
The details are irrelevant and personal, suffice to say the problem lay with the stepmother’s gross stupidity.
I have learnt that the way forward seems to be tolerant and friendly, be there when you are required but above all know when to keep it zipped….!
Hopefully you will be as lucky as me and be rewarded with the love and affection of wonderful children.
Family Affairs
July 2, 2010Thanks Jon – none of these stories bode well for the future I have to say! Lx
Karin
July 2, 2010I can share a little of my experience. My dad remarried when I was 13, and I gained two stepsisters very close in age to me. My sister and I lived with our dad and the new stepmother and sisters moved into our house (the same house we lived in with my mom before my parents’ divorce). My mother lived 300 miles away so we only saw her for holidays and summers – apart from that, no escape from the new family unit. It was really hard for the first couple years. The three of us (my dad, sister and me) had had three years to settle into our post-divorce routines – which continued some of the pre-divorce life, too – and that got turned upside-down with the new stepmom in town. Suddenly merging two families’ approaches to life was a threat to all that I knew, and I felt very alone in the midst of it all.
I must say that my stepsisters had it worse. They had to move into our house, change schools, and deal with my dad – whom their mom wanted them to see as lord and master. I got to keep my room, my friends, etc.
Over the years, a peace settles in. But I never really LIKED my stepmother, and frankly I still don’t. I have little contact with my stepsisters, either. And my relationship with my dad is very distant.
Your kids will probably mind, but I’d think it’s their relationship with their dad that it will affect. Having stability in their life with you should be a huge benefit through it all.
Family Affairs
July 2, 2010Thanks Karin – all very difficult Lx
Blods
July 2, 2010You are so reasonable! I would be appoplectic with rage by now! How DARE she try to dictate where and with whom BB spends his time when he has his children? I bet it’s a ploy to stop him from seeing you! Your ex and BB’s ex come across as total control freaks and if you ask me, neither has recovered from the failure of their first marriages and in a warped way are exacting revenge on you and Builder Bloke with this hasty wedding!! Hope it lasts and that the children aren’t caught up in the fallout from that as it would be something to truly fear based on their past actions.
Have a great day at Cybermummy tomorrow, should be a good distraction on a very difficult day.
I have been reading your blog for a long time now and will be thinking of you. I hope the day goes very quickly x
Family Affairs
July 2, 2010Thank you very much for your comment – you are obviously a regular given your fury on my behalf!! I thought it was an extraordinary comment from her – I agree it was in an effort to stop him from seeing so much of me. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow actually Lx
Anna
July 2, 2010In my experience, a lot of jealousy and back-stabbing on the part of the step-mother. The year that I spent with her and my dad when I was seventeen she spent keeping score of my gaffes, slips, and weaknesses in general, and in spreading the word around, so that as few people as possible would empathize with my situation. She did everything she could to make me not want to go near my father again.
She is ten years younger than my father and has three children with him. I guess she perceives my sister and I as a threat. I don’t know whether she is simply paranoid or has an actual reason to worry. I haven’t looked into family law in the country they live in.
Eclipse
July 2, 2010I’m not sure my experiences are too fair since my 1st stepmother definitely fitted into the “wicked” category. I think it really depends on how you handle things. In our case the biggest problem was treating everyone fairly. My stepmum would buy things for my stepsis but would complain if my dad only bought stuff for my sis and me. One rule for one and one rule for another in many aspects of our lives. This created huge divisions between us and it ended in my sister being forced to move back to mum and eventually my dad and stepmum splitting up. There were a huge number of complications with the situation that I don’t want to go into, but I can’t help having the feeling that if they had sat down and set the boundaries at the beginning about whether everyone pitches in and is treated the same or whether one parent provides for their kids and the other provides for theirs, things may have worked out better. Especially if the kids also understood where the boundaries lie. On the otherhand I’m on stepmum no. 2 now and she’s great, but then I don’t live at home anymore and I take responsibility for myself, but I get the feeling if she had come along when I was reliant on my dad things wouldn’t be so different anyway.
Family Affairs
July 3, 2010Yes, Claire, I think keeping the communication lines open is important, but of course regarding those issues I won’t be specifically involved and anyway it is my ex who will have to pay for everything. Lx
SusannahS
July 2, 2010Ummmmm, actually all of my stepparents (2 stepmothers & 3 stepfathers) were/are decent. I’m probably closer to my current stepmother (of 24 years) than I am to my ‘real’ mother. I’m very grateful to have her as an examples of ‘logic & stability’ to balance out my mother’s artistic/fllighty personality. As I may have said before, I was in college before I realized that my mother and father actually hated each other. They both were adult enough to keep me out of their problems, for which I am eternally thankful.
As for the siblings, I used to babysit for my ex-stepsister’s children (years after our respective parents divorced). A former step-cousin and I are in the same supper club. I vaguely remember squabbles with my younger stepbrother but I moreso remember the fun stuff-family vacations spent driving in the big brown van, movies, summer days at the pool and winter nights with hot cocoa. My older half-brother (from Mother’s 1st marriage) took my stepsister (from daddy’s 2nd marriage)to her prom when her boyfriend got sick. My dad and my first stepfather still have drinks at the country club. All of my mother’s husbands came to her mother’s funeral.
Maybe I’m one of the luckier ones but with each change, we just found our family routine and didn’t make a big deal out of being a blended family. I’m not saying I grew up in Brady Bunch perfection but it wasn’t traumatizing and having grown up with family members ranging from doctors to cotton farmers exposed me to many different facets of life and I like to think I’m more well-rounded for it.
“When life hands you lemons, make a margarita.”
Family Affairs
July 3, 2010HOLY SHIT!! That is remarkably impressive Susannah Lx
Chic Mama
July 2, 2010I hope you’re bearing up….see you tomorrow if I can pick out your paper bag from the others. ;0) xxx
Family Affairs
July 3, 2010Great – look forward to finding you x
QldDeb
July 6, 2010Find your boundaries and be strong with them.
Love the kids, listen, but no reacting. And disown responsibility. “I don’t like to see you treated like this/feeling like this etc, but as this is happening in your fathers home and his time, there is nothing I can do about it, as much as I would like to.”
Hard to say, but the only way when communication and manipulation are at the levels (or lack thereof) as your situation is now.
I’ve been the step-kid and step-mum and most of my mistakes where all because I tried to fix things that I should have stepped back from. ‘Cause that’s what we do, isn’t it, fix things?
Hard life lesson for them, even harder for you to watch. Wish it could be different.
Family Affairs
July 6, 2010Thanks Deb – some harsh but good advice – but I’ve thought a lot about your view that it should be one rule for each house – seems odd to me but very simple and quite clearly the only way to deal with the situation without going mad! Separating everything out…. Lx
QldDeb
July 6, 2010You’re right, it is odd and actually to me quite morally wrong.
But it was the only way I found I could cope with it all in the end.
I wish everyone could be as mature and grown up as us!
God help the world if that was the case!!!!
Family Affairs
July 6, 2010Not sure “Morally wrong” – just hadn’t thought about it like that before and it’s certainly a way of letting go of the control issue we all have! Thus mainaining ones sanity, which is surely a key issue here!! Lx
Fallon Clampitt
July 12, 2010One important thing I love about web site articles is the truth that they spark an notion in my brain. After that happens, I experience as I have to comment with the hope it’s practical to many people.