Catherine Hakim has had a lot of publicity this week for her new book about internet dating. She is a sociologist who believes that it is time to redraw marital rules with a significant change in attitude towards fidelity.
This sort of book fills me with sadness because perhaps she is right. I am one of the many people she accuses of being a “repressive Anglo-Saxon with hang-ups about infidelity with sour and rigid views of affairs” and perhaps if I had been a little less stressed about the implications behind my marriage breakdown I could have kept our family together and all would have been well. “Marital love is one thing”, she says, “affairs are another – “about excitement, being alive, seduction, flirtation, love, affection, sexual bliss, lust, caution, eroticism, fantasy, danger, adventure, exploration and the determined refusal to grow old gracefully”.
Really? Is that where I’ve got it all so wrong? When I signed up to marriage I was expecting to get all that from my partner, not from someone outside the marriage. Is that so unreasonable? And if you don’t find that in your partner and feel the need to go elsewhere instead of trying to mend it then isn’t there something seriously wrong with your marriage in the first place?
Yes, she is probably right in arguing that as we live a lot longer and we become increasingly sexually aware (although speak for yourself in that camp) that we perhaps might need to look at the traditional marital rules – but I would suggest that if you think you want to frolic about with other people and get away with it then don’t get married at all. Or perhaps you could include a clause in the marriage vows so that you are both clear about your commitment to each other:-
“Love, Honour and Betray”.
She argues that the rise in internet dating and married dating sex sites (and trust me not everyone who goes on them are actually married – because hey, whilst you’re shagging somebody else’s partner why not lie about your marital status as well?) mean that “sex has become a major leisure activity of our time” and that we should all join the playground. That is all well and good, but in my experience it is always one person having a spectacularly lovely time shagging about, lying to their partner and expecting to get away with it whilst the other one sinks into misery over time about the change in their partner that they don’t quite understand.
She says that “sex is no more a moral issue than eating a good meal”. COME ON. Are you joking? Yes, of course we can all attempt to have gratuitous sex that doesn’t mean anything but is really really fun but it rarely works like that – unless of course you are on your own. One person involved might think they’re just dipping their soldier into a soft boiled egg (sorry, trying to do a food analogy but it’s not very appealing is it) but the other is quite often in an entirely different place about the whole thing. Or am I being very naive here?
She then goes on to write about measuring happiness through sexual fulfilment in monetary terms. Two US economists have estimated that “increasing the frequency or sexual intercourse from once a month to at least once a week was equivalent to £32K a year in happiness and a lasting marriage £64K – therefore she suggests that if you add the two together that equates to £96K’s worth of happiness a year by having a lasting marriage AND an affair then you are quids in. That is the most ridiculous argument I have ever heard. I can’t even be bothered to go into the reasons why attempting to put a monetary value on sexual happiness is ridiculous.
THIS WHOLE BOOK IS MAKING ME VERY ANGRY.
She has coined the term “Playfairs”. This makes it sound like something you do in a padded playpen. Which I guess is sort of the point. Perhaps with red satin and blindfolds. Perhaps whilst reading Fifty Shades of Grey and yes, great to “play” with someone for a while – but in the end it turns into something else – like a cat playing with it’s prey or a child bored of it’s friend….it is never ever even and unless you have honesty and trust in a relationship I really can’t see how it’s going to end happily. Take Anthea Turner as a prime example – she’s even said recently that she knows how cheaty pants’s first wife now feels.
She says married women are at an advantage in this 21st century world of modern adultery. When entering the new online “meet-market” of married dating sites they are in a dramatically stronger position because whereas single dating sites have women looking for “the one”, those for married people are dominated by men looking for sexual adventure. She tells us that the ratio is approximately 1 woman to every 13 men “giving the women the power to dictate terms, from dates at the most expensive restaurants and luxury gifts to financial rewards” – sorry I thought that was tantamount to prostitution?
So nothing’s really changed. It’s still “Meat Market” in my opinion and really a teeny weeny bit sad and grubby.
Shiny
August 24, 2012I almost snorted my tea out of my nose at your boiled egg and toast analogy. I was intrigued to read this after just writing a blog post that came from nowhere, about a woman having an affair. Inspired by something I saw yesterday. I don’t agree with infidelity but that little story came pouring out, all of a sardine, as I typed this morning and, seemingly, from a very definitely sympathetic point-of-view. The book sounds like a load of twaddle, though. It’s a funny old world (and definitely more than a teeny weeny bit sad and grubby) we live in, isn’t it? xx
Family Affairs
August 24, 2012All of a sardine?? Looking forward to popping over to read then Lx
Leelee
August 24, 2012Seriously! Ridiculous.
Jo
August 24, 2012I couldn’t agree with you more, I am cross with the author and I haven’t even read her book. I know that relationships develop as we get older and our needs,influences and circumstances change but I can’t help but believe (despite my experiences to the contrary) that they should change for the better and that honesty (if not fidelity) is key to that. I do not judge people who have affairs because I am not in their shoes but it is important to remember that in the end it will always end in tears. Do you have sympathy for Anthea Turner (or any other mistress turned wife)? I don’t.
Is the term ‘playfair’ meant in an ironic way? It seems to mean playing-not-very-fair-at-all.
And that drink – yes please, soon.
x
Family Affairs
August 25, 2012Thanks for the comments girls – I agree – I am in no position to judge – unless it actually happens to me in which case that can’t be helped and everyone has their own, at the time valid reasons, but I agree – it will always end in tears for somebody…..and no, I have no sympathy for Anthea whatsoever Lx
Karen M
August 24, 2012To those who make a conscious choice to betray their spouses: You only care about yourself and nobody else, in other words, you are selfish.
Borednow
August 25, 2012I don’t even know where to begin….it’s all just so very very wrong. What’s more any single woman who pays to go onto these websites targetting married men is a prostitute pure and simple.
DD's Diary
August 28, 2012Book sounds ludicrous. I have more sympathy with the one that came out a few years ago, saying intimacy kills a marriage. By intimacy, the author meant taking the bins out, not satin blindfolds etc …. there’s no doubt that affairs are v exciting and marriages can seem staid by comparison … can’t think of a way out of this that doesn’t involve pretending you are on dates all the time with the husband, or possibly a bin-putting-out service? Ax
Family Affairs
August 28, 2012Ha ha – or in your case starting out all over again on a new exciting marriage! Lx
allison ogden -newton
August 29, 2012Ah yes, marriage, that weird concept where 2 ambitious people looking for modest levels of self gratification try to achieve it in the same relationship through laser straight honesty. All very hokum until someone you love gets seriously ill, or dies or is lost and then you simply can not imagine what could be done without your boring, snoring, camping-loving, hit and miss bin man.
Family Affairs
August 29, 2012Yes, there are always the wake up calls that remind you of that Lx
Geoff
August 31, 2012Sorry but I think you’re all a bit naive. But then, most marriages don’t end because the participants are right-on-cue with reality. Rather (as we all know) most marriages end because the Utopian ideology of the perfect, monogamous relationship just doesn’t play out in real life. Sure, it can, but it’s a lie. A comforting lie, but a lie nonetheless. At least one partner feels the desire from time to time to play around, probably both if they are being honest with themselves. Even if most don’t act on it. I think some of you are missing the point that the book is making. Perhaps intentionally.
After all, it isn’t a comfortable thought for many, indeed it takes courage, to acknowledge that your partner, no matter how much they love you, will naturally and undoubtedly find themselves sexually attracted to many, MANY other people of the opposite sex throughout your lives together. You can either deny this primeval urge, pretend it’s not there, disallow your partner from acting on it (purely for selfish reasons) tantamount to taming a wild animal (doesn’t really work entirely!)… or you can accept that this is reality. Perhaps true love is not placing any restrictions or rules on what your partner can or cannot do. Doesn’t suit everyone I’m sure. But then that’s why most marriages fail. Overcoming the ego isn’t easy, but it can be done!
Family Affairs
August 31, 2012Hmmm. I accept what you’re saying and of course it’s true that we are all attracted to other people throughout our lives – I wouldn’t deny that – and of course, if that is the sort of relationship you want and it works for both then I don’t have a problem with it at all. It isn’t the sex per se that is the problem it is the deceit, the lies, the overall betrayal – and that is especially damaging when there are children involved and affairs, generally for the woman at that point in their lives are pretty much out of the question. I don’t think it takes “courage” as you say to acknowledge different attractions – not if the cards are on the table at the beginning – but if you go into a marriage saying that you will love this person forever exclusively then that is the deal you made and if you want to change it then you have to be open and honest with your partner. I wonder if it’s as simple as overcoming the ego……I wish it was! Lx
allison ogden -newton
August 31, 2012Geoff, Geoff did you really compare married men to wild animals. Snigger. I believe that is what’s known as wishful thinking. Grrrr (makes pawing gesture)
Family Affairs
August 31, 2012Ha ha – well I think I might agree with Geoff just a teeny bit…..that is, if he is suggesting that they are incapable of keeping their basic animal instincts in check Lx
Joanna
May 12, 2013I was looking for articles about women who let their men cheat. Your blog has been very interesting!
I guess there are men who are ‘happily married’ yet still seek additional excitement elsewhere. But more often than not, it’s the one(s) they are sleeping with illicitly who they te the most lies to. I’m sure there are also women out there who do not mind sleeping with/dating an attached man and wouldn’t want him to be there’s. However, I think the majority of us look for something deeper… So a man would have to lie to put us in that position! Any man that tells you he is ‘unhappily’ married or worse, tells you things about his partner that make her sound like a terrible wife/girlfriend… Beware! If he leaves,he will probably not do it for you and if he does it won’t last. Ask yourself if you mind him sayI g the exact same things about you a few years down the track. If women do become the types that men are bored/fed up with (naggy, not having enough time for him etc etc.) it is most probably because the man has failed to recognise Her need for a bit of help no and again !
Men- if your wife is tired and run ragged, has no time to fix her hair or enjoy her hobbies, please ask yourself what YOU can do to help change this… Because you’ll probably find the answer lays with you and your behaviour first and foremost. Women take on too much these days… And men I’m afraid to say, for the most part still seem to plod along with the same responsibilities they always had or less. How many women hold down jobs, deal with family finances, arrange and handle childcare and well, generally take care of everything whilst their man simply goes to work, the pub, and returns home when the house is spotless and the children are having quiet time?!
Family Affairs
May 12, 2013Thank you and thanks for all your comments Lx
Joanna
May 12, 2013I should have said its actually unlikely the type of cheating man I described above would leave his partner… It’s much more likely that she will come to her senses and kick him out… Which usually leaves him little choice but to shack up with one of his ‘lovers” … If he has more than one he’ll choose the one most likely to be loyal and lie to her saying he decided to leave. Unfortunately she is the one who will hurt the most when he resents his having to go to her because he saw no choice in the matter.
flora.coleman@hotmail.com
September 27, 2021all of a sardine, wow, ok :-D. Made my day, thanks!