I was discussing the pros and cons of having your partner attend the birth of your child with a heavily pregnant woman last night. It seems we have swung massively from one thing to the other. In 1960 only 10% of fathers were present at the birth of their child unlike today when it is a massive 98% attendance rate. WELL DONE TO FATHERS. It is clearly no longer acceptable for them to sit in the pub smoking cigars and buying a round of drinks to toast the baby’s head once they’ve heard the news (which presumably would have taken a little bit longer than it does now, given someone would have had to wander to a phone in the hospital and make the call to the house, in the hope that the person who answered the phone was happy to run along to the pub and deliver the happy message to the inebriated new father. What a difference a few decades make.
These days it’s much more about “we’re pregnant” – a joint hot sweaty effort, preceded by months of practicing hands on help, whale music, dim lighting and preparation for being sworn and screamed at (and possibly bitten), now that the male presence has massively grown in popularity since home births began to decline.
But is this swing actually a good thing for all women in labour? Some women I know who have recently given birth have admitted to having chosen to have a female supporter – either mother, sister or friend and said that was FAR better than having their man do a vaguely rubbish job of trying to look calm at the prospect of watching “their favourite pub burn down” as Robbie Williams so artfully put it. Gordon Ramsay recently admitted that he wasn’t prepared to attend the birth of any of his four children on account of “not wanting his sex life to be damaged by images like something out of a sci-fi movie”.
I know these days there is an “I wouldn’t miss it for the world” view, but if you are the sort of person who pretends that you never have to do a wee, let alone a poo and like to keep all basic ablutions private from your partner then how is it a good idea to suddenly go into full on animal exposure?
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s GREAT that men in general are fully supportive and present and certainly good for the long term bonding process – I just wonder if it’s gone too far. Surely some people would prefer them not to be there? In fact, a recent study by University College London has found that women who lack emotional intimacy with their partner feel more pain during childbirth if their partner is with her. “This suggests that partner support during pain may need to be tailored to personality traits and coping preferences. A study in 2009 said that a man in the delivery room could make a woman more anxious, which actually slows down the production of oxytocin, which would make the labour process even longer than it already is.
A quick survey of much younger women and the view is “OF COURSE they should be there – we want them to see how much it bloody hurts and feel so bad that it’s all their fault that they buy us a huge diamond ring immediately afterwards”.
Well…there is that.
Although it doesn’t always work. I didn’t get one…let alone three.
Expat Mum
January 22, 2015I definitely needed someone with me as two of mine went fairly spectacularly wrong. It needn’t have been my husband though ’cause I wasn’t aware of him most of the time. I don’t think I would have wanted my mother there – I would just have worried about her worrying about me. Not surprising that a lot of people are opting for doulas.
Family Affairs
January 23, 2015Are they? Is that a trend in the US? Agree – I was the same – but again, didn’t have to be him in particular – just somebody close and NO WAY would it have been good to have my mother there. And I don’t have a sister…although I’d definitely have had my sister in law with me if I’d known her then – she’d have been amazing – she’s a nurse and her mother and sister are midwives. Lx
Lucy
January 23, 2015I didn’t have my husband or significant other at the birth of my baby. That’s because I don’t have one (he left half way through the pregnancy) and even if I did, the birth was so rapid he wouldn’t have got there in time to see it anyway.
I have been a midwife for over 10 years and I must admit I now have the rather unpolitically correct view that the delivery suite may not be the most appropriate place for the father of the baby to ‘hang out’.
Women seem, from what I have seen, to do well with a female birth partner. It’s a female thing after all. There are some men, though not many, who are amazing birth parents. The rest of them find the whole experience deeply traumatic and they feel totally at loss because they are so powerless to help.
Family Affairs
January 23, 2015Thanks Lucy – that is such an interesting perspective to have as I guess you have seen more births than most! Did you have your mum or sister with you then for your labour? I really can imagine that women would do better with a female support – as you say it’s a female thing after all….thanks for the comment – most appreciated! Lx
JO
January 23, 2015Paul actually made it to all three births…all of which were completely different experiences…but he did miss two football matches and a round of golf in the process (beloved Real Madrid in Spain and Chelsea in UK) and still points this out to the children (his form of suffering I guess!). On balance – I was really glad that he was there and able to help out with everything going on around me. It is good to have someone rooting for you and fighting your corner to get assistance, even if not actually doing the delivery!
Jo x
Family Affairs
January 23, 2015That is an amazing achievement! and agree that good to just have support Lx
Sarah Driver
January 23, 2015Mmm – well considering my husband stole my gas and air first time round and fell asleep at the crucial moment during the second, I’m not quite sure what he added! He was a bit better for the other two deliveries but overall he says he found it all very stressful and wished he hadn’t been there. (So stressful he fell asleep??!) I had another female around for all my deliveries and overall, I’d say they were better at keeping me calm. It’s a very personal thing and I think that it should be ok for a couple to decide exactly how they want to play it.
Family Affairs
January 24, 2015ha ha – agree with you that each couple should discuss what’s right for them and I do wonder now whether the pressure culturally for the father to be present is too great? Thanks for commenting! Lx
Izzy
January 23, 2015My husband was there for both births which both ended in emergency c-section. The second birth was very traumatic for the two of us at times he had to removed from the room or stand at a distance.
He was incredibly supportive, calm and collected I was amazed at how much I needed him there.
It was important that we shared the experience together.
I think it depends on your relationship, for some having a female companion is better.
Family Affairs
January 24, 2015Yes, I agree with you two it would definitely have been right that you had him there….Lx
Fran O'Neill
January 26, 2015My (ex) husband was around for all 3 of our children(shame he wasn’t qiute as attentive throughout the rest of our 14 year marriage!). I don’t remeber him as bing particularly fantastic but I had good midwives and that, to me, was more important. And it was quite nice when the babies were born and we coo’d (?sp) over them together. I think there is a lot of pressure for partners to be present, when actually, neither the mum or the partner want to be. But imagine the outcry if a partner was in the pub or outside in the corridor?? Who would dare do that now? In my experience (working in the field) it’s all become a bit of a bun fight and a spectator sport where every man and his dog want a bit of the action. Not for me thanks. But each to their own I suppose.
Family Affairs
January 26, 2015Thanks Fran – I agree it has changed so much since “our” day…I think women should stand up for what they actually want, but maybe they think at the time, that is what they want. Lx