“This Is Not The Story You Think It Is…A Season Of Unlikely Happiness” has become a publishing phenomenon in the US. It is written by a woman whose husband announced unexpectedly one day that he didn’t love her anymore and wanted to move out. Instead of being devastated (like I was) it seemed that she took a deep breath and simply decided that she wasn’t prepared to let him go “It’s just words” she said, “I don’t buy it”. She didn’t take it personally – instead she made the analogy of a child having a tantrum.
She offered him “a responsible distance” and he went awol for six months. Walkabout – ignoring her birthday, other family celebrations, not coming home. After a period of time, for various reasons, he came back – emotionally and she was still there waiting for him.
I find this whole thing an interesting concept. It’s not a very new idea is it? Doing nothing in the face of adversity. I have many friends who have been through a crisis in their marriage and worked through it and moved on, without doing anything dramatic. They just haven’t written a book about it. In fact, it’s quite an old fashioned approach to a marital drama. Sit tight. Ignore the problem. Don’t talk about it. Make marmalade. Hope it goes away. Which in many cases it does. To a degree.
So I’m wondering why people react differently in a similar circumstance. Why for example did I blow up when my husband announced he was in love with somebody else. Was it because I took it too personally? Was it because I was being deeply immature? Was it because I couldn’t bear to feel as if I was just taking something lying down? Was it because I didn’t love him anymore? Or was it because these days being open and honest and talking about your feelings and separating if that’s what is required is not the taboo route it used to be.
If it had been me that wanted to leave the marriage and my husband told me that he was going to ignore me for a year I’d be livid – I’d feel like I wasn’t being taken seriously. Clearly I am a nightmare – either way for me it wouldn’t have worked.
Good for her. She has saved her marriage and protected her children AND made a bloody fortune.
I’m impressed.
Anna
May 13, 2010Quite amazing. I haven’t read the book, but it would be hard for me to believe that her ability to let him go off like that and then return, like a prodigal son, was the result of a carefully thought out plan. What she seems very good at is governing her emotions, separating them from herself, not letting them engulf the whole of her. Emotions are just part of us, they are not us. Hard to believe, but we can actually control them for our benefit.
Good for her! It is a blessing indeed.
Family Affairs
May 13, 2010Yes. Impressive. To disassociate emotions like that. I have noticed that people can do that. Box things or compartmentalize. I couldn’t do that AT ALL. All my emotions spilled out onto every single other part of my life so that I couldn’t feel like some parts I could be calm and accepting and at other times demented – I was just demented all the time!! No control obviously. Lx
louise
May 13, 2010Interesting concept. I couldn’t have done it as my X went off with someone else and my pride took a sledgehammer of a blow (especially as she was incredibly ugly!). And his going off with someone else was just dotting the i on a marriage that had failed.
Family Affairs
May 13, 2010Yes, I think that’s more like how I felt too – by the time he had an affair, our marriage was barely hanging on in there so not going to be salvageable by adding to the discord Lx
English Mum
May 13, 2010Well I haven’t read it, but doesn’t it smack a little bit of denial? We went through a similar experience and I was, I have to admit, completely pathetic. I just cried and begged and pleaded. I look back now and I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. Still, I think in emotional circumstances you can’t plan, you just behave how you behave. Fair play to her though x
Family Affairs
May 13, 2010Well you weren’t pathetic if in the end it all worked out and you are confident and happy with your partner – you just need to do what is required…..Lx
fab feisty and fifty
May 13, 2010whoa…lu, this HIt me right in the stmach and took my breat awaay! NO l dont know the book, ut am off to amazon to look see..
l am the fuck off then woman….my hub, has kciked me into touch same as….and wants a 2 year separation…as l don’t know how l will feel in 6 months or a year..
l’m writing the book…
…….. about a woman telling him her partner to f*ck off and don’t come back and being highly unreasonable and immature instead might also become a bestseller – what do you think? ”This Is Not The Story You Think It Is…A Season Of Utter Misery About Living With A Mad Axe Murderer”.
Family Affairs
May 13, 2010Oh, sorry I hit the mark – shall we write it together?? Lx
fab feisty and fifty
May 13, 2010sorry sorry sorry…l must check spelling before l post comment…dang!!
fab feisty and fifty
May 13, 2010needless to say , l am not waiting and am petitioning for divorce in the school hols….unless anyone advises me differently, would there be a down side?? would the kids and he react badly to my unreasonable behaviour grounds…aw shit…this is so scary
Merisi
May 13, 2010I remember reading about that book in the New York Times (some time ago, I suppose it was the same book you are mentioning). Good if it worked for her, but her decision and her marriage’s destiny sound unique and their differences not profound enough as to merit an immediate break-up. Lucky for her it turned out the way it did.
TheMadHouse
May 13, 2010I dont have any idea what I would do in your or her situation, but we all do what is best for us and good luck to you both.
Anna
May 14, 2010Every situation is different, so it’s hard to compare. L, in response to your comment, I didn’t mean control in a will power kind of sense. It’s not like with a little more will power everyone would achieve the same result. It’s not a question of failure to control something. It’s just that a path was open to her, in her particular circumstances, and she was lucky to be able to recognize it and felt free to pursue it.
advice for broken hearted
May 14, 2010Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.
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Family Affairs
May 14, 2010Of course, as long as it’s not about teeth whitening Lx
English Mum
May 14, 2010Good grief. You are being mightily spammed! x
Family Affairs
May 14, 2010I know and I’m deleting nearly all of them – why is that happening??? What can I do about it Lx
Edwin Divoll
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amethyst
May 16, 2010hi,
i have enjoyed reading your blog a lot,and can relate to it so well. you have a gift for writing really accesibly; it brings me back to when i split up with my first husband; in retrospect this technique of detachment coud have worked to bring him back. now i am glad we didn’t get back together, but at the time i felt so humiliated by what happened, and tried to do everything to get him to return. my kids were very small then, and the future without him terrified me. i am much happier without him now, but then i could not believe i could live without him. betrayal is very hard to deal with.
best wishes, i think you are doing really well with your children; i know it is difficult.
Family Affairs
May 16, 2010Thanks – are you married again now? So hard isn’t it to imagine life without your partner? LX
amethyst
May 17, 2010hello again,
yes i am remarried to a man 14 years younger than me who has been so supportive to me over many years, but i am still affected by my divorce 25 years on.i do trust my 2nd husband, but underneath there is a small amount of fear that things could go wrong again. also i was
angry that my chidren are cynical about things due to what happened, but now i feel that is a good thing as i was very naive and immature when i got married. my ex had an affair with my best friend, whose husband had just been diagnosed with an incurable illness. the trouble was i had lots of sympathy for her; it was only when i became angry about their double betrayal that i started to become stronger. part of the trouble was anxiety about my kids, who were really little at the time.
i ended up retraining as a probation officer; i needed a well paid job to stay in the house we had only just bought together before he went off. looking back now i cannot imagine how i managed to do it all, but i think you can find strength to do stuff for your children when things seem hopeless. we have had a lot of difficult times, but now my kids are adult and great friends with each other; and i have run away to the outer hebrides with husband and 2 dogs. i had to retire from work a few years ago because of illhealth made worse by stress; this is the least stressful place you could think of.
you seem to have a lot of strength and a great relationship with your children. i really enjoy reading your blog as you are articulate, witty and full of insight.
best wishes amethyst x
Family Affairs
May 17, 2010Thanks v much for your lovely comments – YOUR BEST FRIEND??? Holy shit. Really really bad. I too retrained in the midst of all the shit. Often now I wonder how I managed to focus. But the human spirit is a wonderful thing and we are all so much stronger than we think. Thanks for sharing your story Lx
fab feisty and fifty
May 16, 2010Amythest…your words reflect my thoughts…should l stay quietly by in case he wants me back? what if l crack on and then regret my move…?
l am already calmer alone, but miss the good times terribly, the intimacy and the strength of a man i the home…..but the betrayal and the mean spiritedness and the plotting has gutted me, my heart and body may betray ME, but l’m not sure my own mind..will….
your words make me think harder….
saz x
amethyst
May 17, 2010hi,
it was only when i decided i did not want him back, that he began to vacillate and think about coming back to us. i think i was more surprised than him when i realised that despite what i had said, i would not in fact wait for ever for him to decide what he wanted. i wish i had known that from the start, but now i realise that it has been lots better for me and the kids that he did leave us. it caused lots of pain and heartache, but i know we are a lot better off without him. the whole situation made me a lot stronger, but we had to go through loads of shit to get there.
best wishes and i hope you can can hang on and work out what is best for you and not just for him. don’t decide anything in too much of a hurry.
best wishes amethyst x
Family Affairs
May 17, 2010That is SO the same situation for me – I was desperate to keep him but for almost a year he was ‘numb” and wasn’t sure and thought he was in love with someone else and then when I though “f*ck it” I’m better than this and got on with my life he decided he wanted everything back again and it was too late because in my head I was gone. There were reasons for what happens and whilst you never know if it would have worked out if we had got back together you just have to look at the positives and I am SO much stronger since it all happened. Lx
Chic Mama
May 17, 2010I’ve been totally distracted giggling at your spam comments…they sure take a lot of time telling you things….Not sure what to say about the book. I know I could never have got over my husband’s actions. Not sure what she did is the right thing or not, but if she’s happy and no one got hurt then good luck to them I suppose. :0)
I had a terrible problem with spam and actually English Mum told me about this plugin – you are on wordpress aren’t you? Sorry I don’t know how to make the link active but this is brilliant. x http://www.polepositionmarketing.com/library/wp-spamfree/
Chic Mama
May 17, 2010Oh just seen, the link works…good luck, although the ones getting through are clever aren’t they.
Chic Mama
May 17, 2010Lol…me again…just seen you’ve already got this!!! Sorry. :0(
Lillie Opell
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