WEAR SUNCREAM ET AL

I am both delighted and terrified that two out of my three children are away on holiday without me having the time of their lives I hope. I kissed my teenage son goodbye at 6am this morning and watched him pile into a car with loads of other mates whooping and cheering like a band of young overly excited Silverback males.

It is hardly surprising that I now can’t afford to go on holiday with my children later in the summer. It has cost a fortune setting them up for their holidays. Even with a little bit of last minute panic from both of them to do some paid labour around the house “potatoes peeled? £5 per hour maybe?” or “car smeared, streaky and scratched for £15?”. No thanks. “Dump?”. “Clean room?”, “supermarket shopping?”. You know the stuff – everything I do for free every day. Good grief.

My daughter is in Ibiza with a friends family, so I’m not overly worried about her, just excessively jealous and when I found myself in a beautician’s having to cover all her defluffing and manicurey requirements it was almost more than I could bear.

It’s my son and his 40 friends that I”m really worried about. They are off to “Iron-appa” or “iyanappa” in Cyprus (Ayia Napa, I believe is the correct spelling). Where it will be hot and the beer will be cheap. But what else? How safe is it? How are the police coping with this mass influx of youngsters? I honestly don’t even know where exactly he is going to be. I have spent all week advising and getting my brother and anyone else that he might listen to cover all areas.

I think we got through most things:-

– Don’t drink too much

– Don’t burn on the first day

– Don’t forget to reapply suncream every two hours (failed to go for expensive option that stays on all day.

– Don’t try and dive off any balconies

– Don’t show off and dive into water and break your neck and become a paraplegic

– Don’t drown in the swimming pool

– Drink lots of water so that you don’t dehydrate and die

– Don’t snog any girls unless it’s your girlfriend (who thank god is going to be nearby) as you might get herpes simplex virus

– Don’t sleep with anybody unless you want to come back with an STD (see above point)

– Don’t be surprised if the woman you are about to sleep with is actually a man (backed up by story about a friend of mine in Thailand that happened to for extra gravitas)

– Don’t put your drink down as it will get spiked and you’ll wake up with a woman who is actually a man

– Look out for odd behaviour from friends half an hour after drink is spiked and don’t leave them and tell them to do the same for you.

– NEVER leave your friends

– DO NOT get into any fights (this is the real danger in a pack). Walk away. Not worth it. (Backed up by lots of stories about Turkish jails and being strapped down and injected with stuff and paying loads of money to get out).

– Hide your money in different places about your person – shoes etc.

– Do not put all your money, valuables and passports into the safe in the room (backed up by what happened to a group of us in Spain when they simply took the safe out of the wall and took it all).

– Take photos

– Watch your bag at all times

And so it went on. Relentlessly. Of course it makes no difference. He wasn’t listening to a word I was saying. Much more happy with my mother’s advice last night:-

– Look after each other
– Enjoy yourself
– Come back alive

“OK GRANDMA” WILL DO.

Thats good enough for me……