Catherine Blythe has written a book called “The Art of Marriage”.
She writes “Today marriage is a free choice. So what’s the point of marriage? It’s an obvious question. Yet for me it misses the point. Now marriage is no longer compulsory, and the roles of husband and wife have shed their starch, we have an opportunity to custom-fit the marital commitment, to suit ourselves as never before”.
I am always fascinated by what makes a marriage work. Obviously. Because mine failed and I’m still not really sure why. My parents always advocated that “those who play together stay together” concept and Catherine Blythe says the same: “But magic only works if you believe in it, if you don’t simply work at marriage, but play at and relish it. Studies find that the more optimistic your expectations, the greater your demands, the more marriage will give you”. Perhaps I took my marriage too seriously.
The friends whose marriages seem to be the strongest do LOADS of stuff together as a family. Lots of really fun stuff. My friend is also in my opinion very demanding when it comes to insisting that her husband shares the labour regarding the children, ensuring her husband puts the family first but her approach seems to work. I didn’t do that. I thought it was better to let my husband do what he wanted to do and then resented it when what he wanted to do didn’t involve me.
Her advice is “if you seek the best, keep noticing each other, complain well but criticise less, and don’t let leisure slide. (Although husbands tend to enjoy more free time, according to latest research, wives’ pleasures have greater impact on whether a union is happy.)
She suggests trying a psychological trick called ‘positive-sentiment override’. If your beloved snaps at you, don’t snap back or take it personally. No, they’re having a bad day”.
I think that might have been where I went wrong. It probably would have helped when he snapped at me to use “positive-sentiment override” tactics instead of “negative-I-want-to-f*cking-kill-you-sentiment override”.
Dumdad
June 18, 2010It’s a tricky one that – why do some marriages work and others don’t? After all, everyone goes into marriage believing it’s for life. I think this woman makes sense on what little I’ve read here. A lot of it is commonsense as well. I think it is important that a couple enjoys doing things together and with the family. And there’s love and lust as well to throw into the mix. And a handful of luck as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself – you must be feeling very strange and left out at the moment what with the impending marriage of your ex. Just believe there’s something good round the corner because there is.
Family Affairs
June 18, 2010Thanks DD – lets hope so Lx
Imo
June 19, 2010Mmm not sure I totally agree – a family is not a marriage. You can have a family and not be married ( you have a lovely close family), and you can be married and not have a family. They are two different things and should be treated as such.
Family Affairs
June 19, 2010Oh. Very good point. Hadn’t thought about that. Lx
Amanda
June 20, 2010positive sentiment override?? what a mouthful. i get what she means but good lord —
read your previous post about your kids acting up and the impending marriage of your ex… you’ve got your hands full for sure. agree with dumdad that something good just has to be around the corner — and to move that along, maybe treat yourself to a vacation?
Crystal Jigsaw
June 20, 2010I couldn’t wait to get married to the Farmer. I knew I wanted to (and still do!) spend the rest of my life with him and he obviously did with me too, which helped of course.
CJ xx
fab feisty and fifty
June 20, 2010AND SO IT GOES ON…I DONT KNOW WHY MY HUSBAND ENDED IT..HE WOULDNT DISCUSS IT UNLESS THE KIDS WERE RESENT AND I WOULDNT DISCUSS IF THEY WERE….SOO…HE CAME TO THE END OF HIS ROPE APPARENTLY…
married or unmarried…l’ll let you know in another few years….OF course right now l want to stay married, i a relationship….perhaps l will move o enough soon…to know whats what…
saz x
you have posted some deep and provacative posts lately,,