Really, really, really not a good morning. My gorgeous friend is having her “Diep Flap” operation this morning which is a suitably hideous name for the suitably hideous mastectomy she’s having – where they use abdominal fat to rebuild her breast. She’s going to be in theatre for up to 10 hours today.
She is being SO brave. She’s more worried about having to remove the nail varnish from her toes and not wear jewellery or make-up than about being under the knife. She fancies her plastic surgeon so was wondering if she could get away with some waterproof mascara? Hmmm. I’m slightly hoping that he won’t be noticing any of that stuff and getting on with the job.
I have just heard that another friend has been diagnosed with having fluid leaking from her brain and is in hospital waiting for an operation as I write.
In addition. I am having a nightmare time with my ex. Ongoing finance battle seems somehow a given now. Not sure how it’s going to be resolved – he sent me a long email outlining why he doesn’t have any money and why he thinks he should reduce my maintenance – pointed out what I shouldn’t be spending all my money on – my summer holidays, the children’s summer holidays, what the children are wearing, what car I am driving, asking me how many hours I am working and what I want to retrain in in order to make more money and so on and so on and I sent an email back simply saying that given that we were divorced and that he was married to somebody else, what he spends his money on and what I choose to spend my money on is not any of each other’s business (trust me – it was VERY difficult not to make helpful suggestions about turning down the heating in his new swimming pool in his six bedroom house or selling his second home if he needed some extra money).
Apart from our financial battle, we are having issues regarding the children. Builder Bloke and I had all the children last weekend. I had to work on Sunday so BB took my youngest son to his football match. Shortly after that BB’s ex sent him a furious text all about how he should be with his children and not mine (his were there too) and that I was “using” him and that he was a “dreadful man”. I do wonder why she can’t let go of BB. It’s really very strange. Of course as a result of her anger, my ex phoned me and said the same thing – that I was “using” BB in the way that I had “used him in the marriage”. What? When are they going to get that BB loves being with my kids as well as his and was happy to help and that I was immensely grateful and that my child was REALLY happy with the scenario, etc etc. Anyway, I simply pointed out that it would be more helpful if he tried to get BB’s ex to stop obsessing about what BB was doing with the kids when it was his weekend with his children. It is always difficult to let go of what your kids are doing, but you have to, to a degree. I pointed out that as they were newly married wouldn’t it be more fun to just enjoy being together on their weekend without the kids instead of freaking out about what we were doing? Red rag to a bull sort of comment obviously. I don’t really know what to do and frankly whatever I do will be wrong.
NOW it’s got even worse. I think I might have made a mistake. I got a text from my ex yesterday telling me that my response to his email was “plumbing the depths” and that my behaviour “was disgraceful”. He also said he’d like to see our youngest child later that day and would pick him up in the evening.
Well, admittedly it’s hard to separate the two things when you are in the midst of a battle but I do try and remove the kids as much as possible from the argument. They are not pawns in a game but it’s amazing how they can become weapons of mass destruction in your war. Seriously. It’s a nightmare. Anyway. Generally speaking, if he wants to see the children more than every other weekend, it’s not a problem. But on this occasion I said no. For all good reasons actually. He has just started a new school and I really want him to feel calm and settled. He was tired and I’d told him he was going to go to bed early (now his dad has moved it means a very early start to the day to get to school on time), he had homework, he had football practice, I had changed my evening plans to go through some stuff with him, one of his step brother’s was ill at home with a stomach bug……and so on. I felt I made the best decision based on all of the above. But. It went wrong. My ex was furious with my decision and refused to accept my views – even the sick bug issue was “an irrelevance”. So he carried on texting and carried on accusing me of using the children in my own little game. I tried to compromise. Suggested he come for dinner or take him out for a bit. But instead, he called and spoke to my son, told him how unreasonable I was being and that I was stopping him from seeing him and that he couldn’t possibly sit next to me at dinner after how I’d behaved and that to call him back when he’d persuaded me.
So. As you can imagine all hell then broke loose with my youngest, highly emotional son. He was really, really upset. Wanted to see his dad. I was the worst mother in the world. And so on and so on and I really wish I hadn’t gone down this path and had said yes straight away even though it wasn’t really right on lots of other levels because I don’t want him to think I’m stopping him from seeing his dad…..I was just trying to do the right thing and felt the need to try and set up some consistent boundaries for the school week. HOW DO YOU DO THAT WITHOUT UPSETTING THE CHILDREN??
In the end, after a major tantrum we had a chat about it and I said that he could go because I couldn’t bear to see him so upset – which was probably the worst thing to say really because I was backing down at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons and then he went away and came back five minutes later and said “no, mum, it’s fine. I get what you’re saying and I’ll stay here” and miraculously he calmed right down…..
But still. How hard for him and he’s probably really upset with me. I’m so cross with my ex for speaking to him. I’m cross with myself for not dealing with it properly (how do you deal with it properly? Anybody got any suggestions?) and I’m cross because really it shouldn’t still have to be all so hard.
It’s so upsetting for the children.
Maybe I should just have let him go.
But then he would have been tired with a stomach bug at school today. Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would have been happier because he’d seen his dad.
Or maybe when you set boundaries you have to expect an initial battle and then everybody is clear about the rules.
I don’t bloody know.
Rubbish.
Expat Mum
September 15, 2010I think you have to dig your heels in and deal with the onslaught. What is wrong with these newly weds that they still needle you and BB? As I keep saying, engage as little as possible. Don’t open up a debate. Tell him what is going to happen and don’t ask permission. As for the weekend scenario, you need to think of ways to say “Don’t be so silly” in a less ofensive way. (Americans are great at this – I will do some research and get back to you.)
Ooh – Just thought of one – “If you were here to see the kids, you’d know that there’s not a problem.”
Family Affairs
September 15, 2010Yes. Good idea – DO NOT ENGAGE. DO NOT ENGAGE…..Lx
Eclipse
September 15, 2010Oh that’s bad. I don’t know what to say apart from your ex is a $%^&&*%£ anyway. I just can’t believe he had the cheek to have a go at you about BB looking after him while you were working, after all isn’t that what your ex wrote the massive email about… you working more etc etc? weird. I think if you did respond as calmly as you say you did in the email, then that’s the best thing you could have done (although I too was thinking about lrg houses and swimming pools… and seriously they have a second home!!?!). I’m so sorry that “those two” have to make it so bloody difficult, hope the week gets better and calmer for you.
Family Affairs
September 15, 2010Thanks Claire – well “second home” being his house that he didn’t sell to buy a new one with her – he’s renting it out. Lx
Di Foden
September 15, 2010Your ex is a prick. Try remaining completely silent till they run out of steam. They will eventually. I always find that if you give folks something to bash against, they’ll bash. But it’s difficult to hit cotton wool.
Save the texts, just in case. Chin up xx
Family Affairs
September 15, 2010Yup. I will endeavour to Ignore. How is the chemo going? I guess you are entitled to say exactly what you want whilst going through your treatment…..thinking of you Lx
Di Foden
September 16, 2010Chemo is a bit of a pain as I feel exhausted and breathless much of the time. But it means I can lie down looking like La Dame au Camelias, which is good. They’ve given me time off for the wedding at the end of the month so I don’t look like the corpse at the wake. Can’t wait. xx
Family Affairs
September 16, 2010Thats great and how lovely that you will be there Lx
kelloggsville
September 15, 2010are you sure ex is writing mails not BB’s ex?!! I would stick to the Law and get good advise. CAB and CSA should be good points of call. I don’t believe he can tell you how to spend your money. But what he pays must be part of a formal agreement and if he breaks this then he must be able to defend that. BB should have a similar arrangement and the 2 (whilst complicated by your personal arrangements) aren’t formally linked – is what I believe but you must take legal sdvise.
It sounds so nasty now that I would say that you stick to your custody arrangements by the letter and do not allow your position to be compromised so you cannot be attacked. Hold your moral ground and stick to what is right and proper.
It may be worthwhile starting to keep a proper diary of events that might be seen as ‘harrasment’ noting dates, times and any witnesses. and keep all mails (and txts if you can) safe. Do not send anything angry or emotional yourself. Kick walls, go for a LONG walk but do not give them ammunition. above all cuddle your kids and remind them you love them and want to make things easy for them if you can.
I do not envy you bit. Have a cuppa and a long deep breath.
Family Affairs
September 15, 2010Thanks – good advice. Lx
Anna
September 15, 2010People with means always complain that they have nothing, when it suits them. Then they apply for yet another mortgage. My father never has any money, ever, even though he is a wealthy man.
I am with Expatmum on the digging in of the heels. So unfair of the dad to complain to his son about you.
So mature of the child to handle the situation the way he had.
As for “plumbing the depths…”, as they used to say in a special segment on Saturday Night Life, “Really”?
Karin
September 15, 2010Seems unreasonable for your ex to ask to change your sons plans/schedule at the last minute like that, even when there are no extraordinary factors like new schools and stomach bugs. And putting son directly in the middle as he did is unforgivable – a textbook example of bad co-parenting. But what can you do about it? I have no advice to give, but am frustrated and angry on your behalf.
Family Affairs
September 16, 2010Yes you’re right “text book example of bad co-parenting” exactly true but don’t know how to make it work better if we can’t find a way to liaise together better Lx
janelle
September 16, 2010sigh. gawd, darlin’….how horrible horrible….miranda came for tea yesterday and we both agree that ex and new wife are nuts…not biased or anything….BB’s ex sounds like a bunny boiler…why the hell can’t they just leave you alone!? godsakes…and as for the money thing, how disgusting….i tend to blame her her her but then also him that he gets sucked into it….sis man. and SORRY! pole sana! hang in there…hang in there…. xxx j