I am feeling like this. Not sure why. Clinging on:-
“Be true to yourself”. I’m not sure I really know what that means anymore. I have had moments of clarity in the last few years where being “true to yourself” has seemed to be massively important. Maybe those are the times when I have had to make difficult decisions for whatever reason and needed to focus on something tangible. Sometimes, the priority of understanding yourself and making sure the decision suits you is very important – especially when it involves a breakdown of a relationship and children. Other times I think it is sort of AKA – “being selfish”.
Or what if it’s just that I’ve realised I really don’t know myself at all and what I thought I wanted out of life had changed. Again. A few years ago I was convinced that it was entirely possible to have a love affair that lasts forever – now I don’t think it’s at all possible. In fact I am wondering whether it is even possible to have both a soulmate and a rich life full of friends. I think perhaps you can only have one or the other – because to be happy with just one person you have to invest all your spare time in nurturing that relationship – to the detriment of all your friends. On the other hand, if you are not in a relationship and can invest time in your friends – that is great, but how do you fit in a relationship and how will you feel at the end of your life if you haven’t had that significant other?
I still worry about the effect our divorce will ultimately have on the children, even if we have reached a status quo of late. My daughter showed me a very moving video yesterday – all about a young woman describing her battle with Schizophrenia and hearing voices. We discussed how strange it would be to have to deal with inner demons like that – voices that spoke on your behalf, voiced your emotions, caused you to behave in a certain way “well”, she said, “I could still start hearing voices, because it is quite common in people my age to be affected, especially if they have had a traumatic experience in their childhood”…..she was only sort of joking.
This morning I hugged her goodbye as she left for school. She can drive herself to school now. Another job I have been made redundant from. She was carrying three large bags because after school she was going to drive straight to her father’s house. Even at the age she is my heart sinks to see my children have to pack their bags and organise their life around two separate parents. It requires a level of organisation that surpasses anything I had to experience as a child and it still breaks my heart.
Was it all worth it? All that pain we put them through?