BEACH READY BODY? MORE LIKE BLANKET BODY READY

Today appears to be full on summer in my garden and I am still wearing black jeans and trainers. My body is far from beach ready – more like blanket body ready. This is because I have failed to get my winter body ready for any sort of exposure yet and now I’m not even sure I can be bothered. I can’t yet wear skirts because of my legs – I can’t even wear cropped trousers yet because tufts of hair can be seen sticking out of the bottom of my trousers and I can’t quite be sure where it’s attached to – could even be my armpits. Frankly it is so not going to be worth the effort and money – the only thing that’s forcing me to book a waxing and pedicure is the thought of my children’s reaction to my state if I were to expose myself in public in a swimsuit in it’s current state. My daughter would be verbally abusive whilst my sons’ would make “ugh gross” type faces, like they were about to be sick. The other added incentive is that if I don’t do anything about it, I might even actually drown because it would be quite easy to be swimming along the surface of the pool one minute and then tangled up in the drainage system at the bottom of pool the next. Emerging from the sea after getting tossed about by the waves might be difficult too. It would be harder than usual to drag myself out and I don’t want to look like my cat or an actual fur ball.

At work all the gorgeous young things are on diets in order to get themselves ready for their impending summer holidays. I on the other hand can’t really see the point of bothering. It does concern me slightly that they look at me like some sort of ageing sea creature from another world. WELL I AM. It’s very hard for me to try and explain to them that I’m still pining for the ashtray that used to sit on my late 80’s desk, let alone consider eating yoghurt instead of the baked potato with beans and cheese that I like to eat at my desk. I think my problem mainly must be that I have a very short term approach to life, mixed with a background that thought if you drank water by itself you might drown – or certainly die of boredom. I can’t even remember to not eat baked potato with beans and cheese at my desk at 1pm because by 4pm I am going to be regretting the beans decision, as is anyone that is sitting within sniffing distance of me (and maybe a little bit further than that).

Even after the hair removal, I’m supposed to worry about exfoliation (CBA) followed by fake tanning. This has never gone well for me. I hate the smell of it and generally end up both orange and streaked. In addition my parents never put sun cream on me and I lived in the tropics so basically my skin is already fucked so until they come up with a full body skin transplant I can’t really see where to start trying to make it better. I do put sun cream on these days, but it’s too little too late – I have wrinkles, I drink coffee without a straw, I don’t have botox, I rarely raise my heart rate and I like butter. I haven’t bought any summer clothes yet and wear black nearly all year round. I mean honestly – is it any wonder that they struggle to understand?

The thing is that I am clearly turning into my mother who always used to say…after I’d spent hours getting ready, or agonised about what to wear, that “nobody cares”. I used to think that was a horrible thing to say and I never ever say it to my children, because it’s important, when you’re young to think that people care. But at my age? She’s right. Really, Nobody Cares. It’s a little like going to Glastonbury. Very refreshing to find that you can wear what the hell you want and literally nobody gives a shit.

I can’t help but wonder if this is just a symptom of my age and stage (no boyfriend), so my priorities have changed about what a holiday is for – I’m too old and wrinkly to be competing with the young things any more, so why bother trying? Yes, of course, I will attempt to avoid them throwing up when they look at me, but apart from that, I can’t really see much point in getting seriously groomed. I am going on holiday to hang out with my children and my friends and to visit a new part of the world. To laugh and dance and talk and spend time with loved ones. I can do that with hairy toes can’t I? I am there to celebrate life and credit cards so that we will have shared memories from our experience. I literally have not seen my children for days. Two of them are currently out of the country and my youngest one is out and about. If he’s in the house he’s either in bed, on the phone or watching TV. But mostly, he’s off with his friends and whilst he would think that was the perfect summer, for me, it’s not. I want to remove us all from our current distractions and sit somewhere else in the world at a table with a lot of rum. Soaking up culture and cigar smoke (guess where we’re going?).

Another small incentive for sorting out my body hair is the thought of hurting myself by tripping up over it whilst attempting to salsa dance with my children….

So I’ve booked a double session and extra wax. I just hope it’s appreciated.