BIKINI BOTTOMS

It is now taking us all day to make any decisions on where to sunbathe, where to eat at night – I keep hearing comments like “I was thinking about something but now I can’t think what it was that I was thinking about”…..talk about chilled. I am now into my third book and considering how reluctant I was to read a book about an elegant hedgehog – it is a wonderful story, beautifully and unusually composed.

The main disaster of the holiday, thus far (and I am touching wood as I write) is why I didn’t give more thought to my exposed body and my swimwear. Sitting on a beach towel next to my sixteen year old daughter, her gorgeous friend and my son’s equally gorgeous 18 year old girlfriend is making me feel AWFUL. I should have had surgery before I came away or at least have invested in some serious swimwear upholstery. I need to get my veins done – I told my daughter that it was an expensive procedure and she suggested that I try and get them done on the NHS owing to the psychological damage they were causing.

I didn’t think hard enough about the fact that I was going to be in swimwear day in day out – for 14 days. Normally I wear one piece swimsuits owing to the unappealing contours of my stomach, but this time I decided that I’d risk a little more bare flesh in order to get a brown stomach. I packed two bikinis, neither of them particularly flattering. A grave error of judgement, having discovered that each of the girls have brought NINE bikinis each – that means some will only get one viewing whereas mine have practically worn out already.

What’s more, the beaches where we are in Portugal are displaying quite a number of bare breasts and bottoms. Lots of the bikini bottoms are so tiny you can barely see them. I’m not sure – sort of looks like the fabric is literally being devoured or like someone has been given a serious wedgy. You really do have to have a spectacularly good arse to get away with it….

I mean look at my competition! (which obviously isn’t really competition and I’m very proud to be allowed to sit anywhere near them really):-

Here are the boys in the sea having removed their swimming attire:-

Here is what appears to be the popular look of the moment:-

and here is what I actually look like having retired to the lone sunbed to sulk and read and stupidly let somebody take a photo of me from the worst angle possible. Not good:-