Oh dear. Here I am aged 43 (and a third) and I still don’t know what I want or even what makes me happy. Let me just apologise in advance. If you can be bothered to read the next bit, you will have to wade through treacle-thick-wallow-in-self-pity-bollocks. This is not good. Especially when I know that plenty of people have a lot more to feel sorry for themselves about than I do. It’s just that every so often, everybody is allowed to feel a teeny bit sorry for themselves…
When I was younger, it was easy, putting a “what makes me happy’ list together:
Shopping
Chocolate
Getting married
Having babies
Being with friends
Life in general
Now that I’m older and clearly traumatised and bitter and twisted, shopping is OK but can make me deeply unhappy if it involves a changing room (bright lights and old flesh do not merge well together) or if shopping involves any of my children (expensive). Chocolate now makes me fat and spotty. Getting married and having babies needs no explanation, being with friends still makes me happy, as does life in general (mostly). My family and my children make me immensely happy (most of the time) and so does my work and my blogging and my house and reading and eating and drinking and laughing and lots of other things… So really, most things in life still make me happy. I just need to avoid my pub friends in future, who only like me when I drink too much and I also need to avoid falling out of taxis and I need to keep an eye out for a man that makes me happy (where the bloody hell are all those 150,000 newly divorced men – be warned, I may keep asking that question).
It is clearly a culmination of a number of things, but this morning on my walk with my two girlfriends I was a nightmare. I cried nearly the whole way round, which meant I had to borrow my friends sunglasses. I haven’t cried for ages. Anyway, my lovely lovely lovely friends told me it was good to cry and that I should just carry on and rant away and have a coffee and feel better.
All they did was ask me how my weekend went…and I sort of started a stream of consciousness that went a bit like this:
“Well, good and bad. I kept really busy, seeing lots of different people, but probably did too much. I enjoyed most of it, but kept finding myself in slightly unusual situations and therefore felt a little bit either out of place or just not completely comfortable, because although I thought I wanted to be on my own for a while, I’m actually crap on my own and I want to have somebody around. At the moment I sort of feel as if I don’t have an anchor…I was a disgrace on Thursday night and put myself in a risky situation and now we can’t walk very fast because my ankle is still sore and I’m really horrified by my behaviour. I wasted the whole of Friday being ill and at the hospital, spoilt a Friday night out, had to be driven about on Saturday, enjoyed Saturday night out with girlfriends, but then felt bad because my ex boyfriend texted and is not at all happy and I have now agreed to meet him for a drink tonight…which is REALLY bad news because I’m clearly going to be pathetic and not strong. I had a lovely Sunday lunch with my girlfriend but felt very rude because I had to rush off to meet famous friend and had a good night with them too but feel bad because I didn’t cook a roast, which is clearly what they were expecting. I had a lovely lunch on Monday too, but then made the mistake of going to some other friends at four. I sat at the table (sober) whilst they all sang into (empty) wine bottles and then fashioned napkins into various head attire and I didn’t want to join in and therefore felt boring and even more miserable. I left there to get back to meet the kids. I had missed the children and wished I had them but as soon as they got back I wished they’d go away again. They were all arguing and the older two were teasing my youngest because he had to go to school today. They were being really mean, pretending they were going to see a 3D film that he really wants to see. They also talked a lot about their planned summer holiday with their father which involves driving miles in a Winnebego across America and they’re allowed to take a friend each and my ex is taking his girlfriend…and I want to go…then my daughter told me all about a huge argument she had had with her father about shopping and my ex talked to me about it endlessly on the doorstep too and actually, I feel as if I want to side with my daughter because why does her father need to know exactly what she spent when she went to Top Shop if it’s her money..but there was no point in saying anything because he is adamant he is right and anyway the argument was between the two of them and then I watched “Lost” with the kids which was really depressing and apparently owing to the writers strike won’t be on for a few weeks and then I watched a bit of “Skins” because I felt I should know what my 15 year old was watching and it was horrid and my son couldn’t bear watching it with me because he was so uncomfortable, so went to bed…and I was a bit upset that he felt he didn’t want to watch it with me…I’m sorry, I’m being a complete nightmare, I think I could be hormonal, but it’s almost impossible to tell when you’re a member of the coil club..oh and I forgot, something that really upset me was that I got a call from a friend of mine who was with an editor friend of hers and she told me that he wanted to use my blog in a newspaper but that I had to do it under my own name and talk about all the awful bits – boyfriends, gruesome details about the ex, sexual exploits and other juicy bits. I can’t do that to people that I care about (or even to people I don’t particularly care about anymore). That would be rubbish….so now even my blog can’t be famous…”
“God you look hideous when you cry” said my supportive friends.
“My life is a misery” I said, trying to stop crying.Needless to say, by the end of my therapy session I was feeling much much better.
On a brighter note, I am also feeling very pleased that my (one) reader in Finland bothered to contact me to tell me that my counter must be wrong because she reads my blog every day, generally for a little bit longer than .01 of a second. So that cheered me up hugely.
A Mother's Place is in the Wrong
March 25, 2008My gosh, Lulu, you have been busy while I’ve been away. Blogging is obviously keeping you sane:) Good friends = good therapy, and I hope you chose a lovely egg with your Easter £1 (how sweet was that).M x
family affairs
March 25, 2008you are completely right: excessive blogging = avoidance of the Priory (with any luck) x
Casdok
March 25, 2008I can relate to this post on quite a few levels!!
ExpatKat
March 25, 2008Never good to keep it all in. Glad you’ve got good friends to listen and let it out to.
x
Marianne
March 25, 2008Hello again! Wow, that does sound bad, but aren’t you glad you have this as an outlet. I know I am. Thanks for sharing, and Happy Easter! Ps- you have a reader in Finland, and obviously Paris- brilliant! x Marianne
the mother of this lot
March 25, 2008Well, you must feel better now all that lot’s out.
I’m with the friends – crying is good.
girl with the mask
March 25, 2008See! Finding joy in the little things- wonderful stuff!
G.I.M x
bill beck
March 25, 2008Congratulations!!! You have been nominated for a 2007 Best Of Blog Award!! Especially designed to bring attention to lower profile bloggers, The BoB’s as we like to call them are currently taking nominations in over 20 different categories. To find out more about how your site has a chance to become one of this year’s Best Of’s and how to nominate other bloggers, visit us at http://www.thebestofblogs.com. Remember voting begins April 14th so make sure you pass the word to your friends, family, and faithful followers.
Sincerely,
Bill Beck
Project Mgr.
The Best Of Blog Awards
Email:Bloggerbeck@aol.com
Expatmum
March 25, 2008Okay, enough with the guilt about last week. Time to move on. Tomorrow is another day etc. etc. Sounds like you have some good friends, apart from the pub crowd which you have obviously recognised for what they do to your sensible decision-making powers. So, meet the guy (tall men can make you feel very feminine) and live for the day, as they say.
Dumdad
March 26, 2008Crikey, what a long post! Fascinating though. And you have a reader from Finland – how exotic. And you’ve been nominated for some award. Hey, life’s looking up!
zoe
March 26, 2008Lulu, the beginning of a break-up is always the worst. If I have to tell you that again I will personally come over and smack you one and then get incredibly drunk with you and compare stories.
Actually, I can’t wait.
Please prepare the following:
Booze
Take-away (no cooking – heavens!)
Anything that is effective for hangovers
Let’s go Dutch? Btw – I can sleep anywhere (I’m such a tart) – a floor, pillow and blanket is all I require.
Think about it. xxx
family affairs
March 26, 2008that is a great idea zoe – you are welcome any time and I know I must be really getting on your nerves now, as I can’t believe how many times you have told me what to expect…sorry I know I’m a nightmare x