I was at my youngest son’s carol concert tonight. Completely lovely. The sound of children singing makes me cry. Their voices and innocence seem so pure. Sad though, I can sort of chart my progress through the last few years by this particular event because (obviously) every year it’s more or less the same and every year I’m in a slightly different place emotionally (and literally as in different house each time).
Four years ago, two weeks after finding out about his affair, I sat and watched my daughter, then only 8 do the same concert. I was raw. I was in so much pain I could hardly bear to be there, sitting with all the seemingly happy couples and their children. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks as I mourned the life I’d lost.
The year after that I was relatively numb. The voices didn’t get through and I was bored. I was too busy trying to find myself to be interested in anything going on around me. I definitely went straight out with friends afterwards. Last year was a bit better…and this year? Hooray…progress…I was deeply moved by the voices, especially the boys who sang solo and the class that sang “In The Bleak Midwinter” with lovely harmonies. I still feel sad at times like this for our little broken family…however my ex wasn’t there (he’s very busy at work) and I at least could enjoy the event without being disappointed by somebody else’s lack of presence.
We had a Chinese take-away and my fortune cookie message was rubbish. Normally they’re full of promise and positive advice – however, tonight, my one said “If you would have managed your plans properly, it would not cause chaos”. What sort of message is that? Not very helpful in my opinion.
debio
December 20, 2007That you are as good as relating my story just proves that you are not alone.
My ex rarely attended any school events and, when he did, he fidgetted and sent endless texts and emails with mobile on silent.
I found this completely incomprehensible as I actually wanted to see my daughter perform.
It can be more lonely in the company of someone who isn’t really there, than to be actually alone.
You are making vast progress – onwards and upwards….
A Mother's Place is in the Wrong
December 20, 2007You have obviously made great progress Lulu, and it must have been a tough four years.
I always loved to hear my children singing at Carol Concerts – and always cried too!
I rather miss it all – it goes so quickly. Enjoy.
Margot xx