There was a programme on Radio 4 Women’s Hour yesterday about how children feel about divorce, coming out just prior to D-Day on the 6th January – the day many couples struggling after a stressful family Christmas, having waited specifically to give their children a happy Christmas, finally file for divorce.
Many of the calls involved children in turmoil for one reason or another – especially after couples have separated acrimoniously and the point that struck me, apart from all the pain in their voices is who will ever know how badly children will be affected long term. Children within the same family will react very differently, not only depending on their age and gender, but also where they come within the family dynamics. Very often it depends on the sensitivity of the child, whether they blame themselves, how much they overhear, how much they miss one parent, how well they get on with their parents and other siblings, how much they feel they’ve been included in the decision making and most importantly, I think, whether they feel they have a voice and are heard when they feel they are not happy about certain elements of the plan that makes life very much more difficult and complicated for them in so many ways.
The Daily Mail has reported today on a survey Netmums have recently done (albeit a very small survey of 1K divorced parents and 100 children) which reveals that parents are deluding themselves about divorce and the effect it has on their children – three quarters of parents thought children “coped well” and yet only 18% which is less than a fifth of the children agreed. 1 in 20 turned to alcohol and 9% started self harming. One in 6 had considered suicide whilst two had actually tried to kill themselves. Many of the children felt there was no point in confiding in either parent because they were too wrapped up in themselves. A third described themselves as devastated by divorce, whilst one in 12 thought it meant their parents didn’t love them anymore and had let them down. This particularly applies if one or both parents have “moved on” and are with or indeed have married another partner.
Are children ever “relieved” when their parents split up? That’s what a lot of parents in the survey thought and certainly, from my personal experience that is what a lot of counsellors imply – that children will be happier in two households rather than living in one unhappy one. I’m just not so sure that’s the way children see it.
There is clearly a lot more that needs to be done to help support children in this situation. It is happening more and more – even with more counsellors around than ever before and we most definitely need to find a way to help support them more. Otherwise we are letting them down.
