So sad there is no Glastonbury 2020, but hoping to get into the spirit of it by recreating “Virtually Glastonbury” at home this year. We won’t get quite the same atmosphere by camping in the garden but it’s better than nothing. I also have a few other top tips on how we can recreate the general vibe, the smells, the excitement….
Basically from Wednesday onwards, plan not to flush your loo for four days or even think about showering. Turn your water off at the mains so that you can’t cheat. Play music at full blast day and night and keep hugging your children and telling them how much you love them. You might need to drop a note to your neighbours first to warn them of your plans. Avoid all drugs this year in case you get a police visit but stock up on extra alcohol, as basically you are going to have to start drinking at 10.30am and not stop till 3.30am the next morning for the next four nights.
So what to pack for your four nights under the stars and around your streets? If you live near a large park then you will need a torch so that you can march across it and back each night wearing wellies that don’t fit texting “WHERE R U” to all your WhatsApp groups. If you basically put in at least 16K steps on each occasion and then go home having not found anyone or seen the band you wanted to see, you will feel as if you were actually there.
Make some huge flowers and a bridge to put in your garden and start making your flower headdress now:-
The weather is looking pretty good, but wear wellies anyway so that you can start stomping up and down the garden using the hose to create lots of mud channels to walk in. Then on the Saturday night you can just roll about in it before dancing all night.
Find a spare lampshade or glitter ball to wear at all times and keep climbing on tables, or up lampposts:-
Buy some wine boxes, remove the cardboard casing and start practicing drinking the contents directly from the nozzle. This is always a good look. Fill up all your water bottles and flasks with gin too. Get used to drinking it warm and flat in advance.
YOUR TICKET AND ID
Design your own ticket and keep showing your ID to your children just to annoy them.
Make sure your phone is charged at all times, but don’t worry about a portable charger, you can do this from the comfort of your own home. Keep texting your children and friends to say “WHERE R U?” “I’M AT THE PYRAMID TENT BUT CAN’T FIND YOU” just to annoy them.
Start loading some of your clothes into bin bags just for effect and leaving them around the house, but don’t get them muddled up with all the other black bin liners full of clothes you have sorted for the charity shop during lockdown but can’t yet deliver.
Actually, on second thoughts you may want to unpack all those clothes you’re sending to the charity shop, put shirts and dresses on backwards and put your underpants over a pair of tights.
Or just strip off to your underwear and wander around the park:-
Set up the tent in the garden, complete with comfy duvet and pillows.
EYE MASK/EAR PLUGS
You will need these to block out the sound of the birds in the morning.
Just have one round your neck for effect at all times. You will need it on your late night park visits.
Not really required, as you can go back into your house for the night time loo visits. This also applies to suntan lotion, hats, water bottles, hip flasks and medical kits.
Just walk around with one anyway, in and out of the house.
LOO ROLL AND WET WIPES
Throw lots of bits of loo roll and wet wipes around the garden to help with the vibe.
Plant a flag in your garden so everyone can find you. Then hide behind a bush to annoy your children even more. If you can’t find a flag then maybe keep trying to climb on your children’s shoulders. Also just to annoy them.
Or maybe just invite all your neighbours, don’t forget to social distance, but by next weekend it may only be 1m apart:-
WARM JUMPER/WATERPROOF CAGOULE
Put these additional clothes in your day backpack so everyone will ask where you’re going. You may need them when you’re lost in the park anyway.
Buy lots of bio-degradable glitter to rub on your face, but be prepared to still be picking it out three weeks later.
Stock your fridge with lots of takeaways that you can eat whilst walking around in the park, or standing up. Make sure you offer food and drink to any strangers you see out and about – although do note that in the current climate, it’s unlikely anyone will take you up on your offer.
If you really want it to be authentic try and find a tick to attach to your back, like I did last year. If you roll around in the bracken in your local park long enough wearing just your underpants you might get lucky. Although really I’m only joking on this one because then you will have to have three weeks of antibiotics which was not fun:-
There will be loads of cool bands to watch on the TV, so maybe see if you can bring your TV outside for the next four days. Again, you may need to check this with the neighbours. If they are not happy, just invite them to join in the fun!
ENJOY and do let me know how you get on.